Monday, November 14, 2011

NaBloPoMo Prompt of the Day: Fear

Prompt of the Day:

"I was terrified to go on DWTS, but facing my fear and overcoming it has been an incredible experience. Have you faced fears and overcome them?" 
(Guest Prompt by Ricki Lake, who can be found on Facebook  or Twitter @RickiLakeShow)

Have I faced fears? Yes. Have I overcome them? Sometimes, sometimes I just look like I did, and sometimes I run screaming in the opposite direction.

Facing my fears has become easier since I left my husband. I say "easier", but what the really means is "I have to do it sometimes or risk missing out on a lot of things or not sticking up for what I know is right, and I'm getting more used to having to put on my big girl pants and taking care of business". Leaving our house was the biggest fear I have ever had. I left with no money, almost none of my things, and had no clue what was going to happen from that moment on. I just knew that my heart was screaming that something had to be done, so I finally did it. Despite all of the sadness, confusion, frustration, anger, and more fear that has been brought on from leaving, I am also happier than I have ever been. And that is part of what pushes me every time another fear creeps up or blocks my way. Knowing that I have faced fears and come out alive (sometimes bruised and in need of care, but alive) comforts me enough when I feel like I just can't do something. 

One of the biggest fears I had after leaving The Ex, was doing things with Agent M in public. I just didn't know if I could wing them alone. Things like daytrips out of town, or just the two of us going out to kid's events at museums and theatres. What if something went wrong? What if I blew a tire? What if I locked my keys in the car? All the things that wouldn't have been as big when I had a partner, are even bigger now. I know I can handle them, but the knowing that I would be the only one responsible to handle things made me shy away from a lot of things at first. Slowly, I got used to it, though. Eventually, I heard about one of our favorite bands playing a concert out of town and decided to dive into my fears, head first. Agent M and I took a trip to a city we had never been to, to an event we had never been to, stayed longer then I planned, and had an amazing time together. That gave me the confidence to look for more things we could do together, locally. And little by little, that fear has become smaller. It's still there, but instead of towering over me like a beast waiting to swallow me whole, it's become a small enough to carry in my purse, jumbled in with the packs of gum and loose change. Sometimes, I even forget about it completely. 

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