oops!

Wow - has it really been 9 days since I last posted? That's probably because SO MUCH has been going on!

I have a few posts lined up and waiting in the wings - just tumbling them around a little bit more before setting them out.

Most importantly (but in no order here), this is what's been spinning:

• Went to court ordered mediation with The Ex over custody of Agent M (0_0)
• School!!! School!!! School!!! Kicking my bootay!!! 
• The rain dang near flooded my patio, and also ruined all the wooden furniture that I had just uncovered (oops). Clean up has not been easy, but it's pretty much done.
• The Valentine's Day adventure Agent M and I embarked on was a success, but not without a few bumps. 
• There's a weighty issue I've been needing to handle and have been putting off - but I am getting ready to take it head on!
• My house is in shambles - to the point that I'm devoting most of Monday to catching back up. I'm even tempted to get a decaf coffee and pull an all-night-cleaning-spree.  
• School!!! Work!!! Did I mention that I am terribly behind? I have a test in one class on Wednesday, two tests to turn in for another class today, 1 assignment due Wednesday, a 30 page handout on Narrative to read ASAP, 2 more articles to write (late work, ugh!), a blog post to come up with, not to mention a real post for here and some housekeeping that needs to be done for this site....and I really should finish my business cards this week...
• Lots of paperwork needs to get to my attorney this week, which means I need to get to the library and print it all out in the next...30mins!
• I'm STILL carless!!!! ARGH!!!!!!! I am so lucky and thankful to the person working on it, and to the friend who has let me borrow her car often, but oh how I wish I had something of my own to use!
• I'm going out of town this week with my parents and Agent M...and have made a whopper of a mommy-fib to Agent M about it!

So, a real update is greatly in order soon! I just have to get caught up on this homework first! That plate is threatening to topple and needs some special focus today. Hope everyone (all 6 of you wonderful, charming subscribers! I love you!!!) has a great extended weekend!!!

You spin me right round...

Lately, I've been wondering just how "cut out" I am for being a professional blogger. Or writer, even.

My page is sparse. Words, a few links, and more words. I don't like ads, and still feel too small and ackward to ask bloggers I admire to let me link to them.

I don't have a "regular" blogging schedule. Hell, I can barely keep myself together enough to stay on top of my homework assignments right now.

I look at other "established" blogs, and feel lite a teeny, tiny goldfish compared to their 300+ subscribers, numerous awards, and fancy headers.

More than anything else, I have so much that I want to write about, but it's the timing of putting it all down on paper (or taps on the keyboard, as is usually the case) that trips me. Even as I type this, I keep glancing at the clock in the bottom right corner of my laptop, knowing that I need to leave soon to walk to pick Agent M up from school.

The fact is - the plates I spin are being changed around. What was once "wife", "grocery store clerk", "mom", "daughter", "girl-zilla" has become so much more. I'm "soon-to-be-ex-wife", "single-but-never-solo mom", "not-worker due to injury", "college student", "daughter-who-should-do-more", "girl-who-is-kicking-and-screaming-into-becoming-a-full-on-woman", and so much more. Keeping those plates spinning has been enough work. Finding time to fit in my hoped for career feels like a plate I see sitting nearby but just can't get onto the end of a pole.

But I suppose that's what motherhood, or even life itself, is about. Finding the right balance and timing for everything you love and enjoy, while still keeping an eye on all your other responsibilites and goals. As you get better at it, more plates can be added, the balance and timing becomes easier to settle into. Sometimes plates will start to wobble, but that can be corrected and you feel a rush of accomplishment in that moment of realizing you're getting better and better.

(artwork copyrighted by Matt Simner - please don't sue me)

This is just a mild spring zephyr compared to the big wind of '67.

I'm sure when I wake up Agent M in a few moments and he realizes that we have to walk to school in the wind that is howling outside, that he will simply hand me my "Torturous Mother of the Year" Award. Heck, I don't even want to go out there.

Maybe I can convince him that mornings like this build character?

My head hurts.

Lately, I've felt the need to be quiet. Not that there's nothing to say, just there there are no answers for the questions I have clustered up inside. In the same day that I had gotten wonderful news, I also felt what has so far been the most crushing blow to my confidence.

There's so much I want to write. But also so much that I want to hold back. Quiet. Private.

But what good is a writer who does not write? What better meditation than to release the words that choke your every thought?

So, as painful as it is, I have decided to write about it.

*******************************************************************************

One of my biggest fears is now an Elephant that follows me everywhere. I wake up to it's trumpeting and go to bed knowing it will still be there tomorrow. It's a Count Down Clock to the unknown, ticking seconds off in my head when I'm alone in the house. A constant tapping on my heart, keeping me conscious that every beat is another moment closer to The Day.

The Day.

 The Day that makes a lump form in my throat. The Day that makes the back of my neck hurt and my eyes tear up.

The Day that I will go to court ordered mediation to determine the custody of Agent M.

(even typing that is difficult)

After hours of labor, when I first got to really see Agent M's face and said, "Well, there you are!" when he was barely moments old, I never would have guessed that one day I would have to go to court to prove my dedication as his mother. To prove that I hold his best interests above all else.

How does one prove unconditional love?

Will my hours spent working until late into the night be seen as a way to provide better for him? Or will my lack of professional career skills be seen as something that is holding him back? Will I be seen as Agent M's mama who volunteered more than weekly in his kindergarten class, who has taught him to sing "Henry the Eighth, I Am", and who tells him special made up stories each night at bedtime? Or will they just look at my often empty bank account, the bills I juggle to pay, and my being on disability leave and say I can't provide for him?

I have been stuck inside my own head on these quiet nights and weekends. Mentally going over each day and action and wondering what all parents wonder: Have I done enough? Have I been enough?

My heart knows what those closest to me have echoed - I am a good mom, my love is obvious in every way. But to have to prove it, and knowing that some unknown stranger could tell me that I am not enough because I don't make enough money or who knows what reason...

All I can do is just make it through these next days and prepare. Tame the Elephant so that when The Day comes, I will be proudly riding on it's back, head held high and ready to defend what I feel is right and best for Agent M.

I Completely Understand

My Monday morning was spent hiking back and forth over the college campus, trying to sort out Financial Aid and figure out why I was dropped from a class and how to get back into it, then making it through two classes, if "making it" means taking notes on auto-pilot while thinking about the 5 different things I need to get done when I get home. The afternoon was more hiking across campus to solve the Dropped Class Dilemma, then a rush to pick up Agent M from school, only to have him be completely cranky on the walk home.

Practically juggling my laptop case, Agent M's backpack, and a bag of burritos that were for our late lunch, I was also mentally juggling how I was going to accomplish my to-do list for the day, my frustration towards Agent M's mood, how to get him to do his homework so I could start mine, and how to make 3 important phone calls in the next hour. Agent M was doing his own juggling - a grumpy mood, his frustration with my response, the looming doom of homework, and whatever was eating at him below the surface.

After a self-imposed exile to his room, I finally coaxed Agent M out to talk to me while we sat on the stairs. Mondays for him are a sometimes rocky transition from the weekend at Daddy's house back to the weekdays at Mama's house, and this Monday was no exception. We talked about his mood, my hopes for the evening, his weekend, my morning. Calmed and in a moment that both stung my heart and made me proud of his inner clarity, Agent M exclaimed, "There's just too much in my head!".

I know, little guy. I completely understand.

All over the place

I've been all over the place lately. Literally and mentally. Being back in school is wonderful and difficult all at the same time, and the same can be said about most of the aspects of my life right now. It's been a constant pull and stretch to expand my limits beyond the comfort areas. I'm growing and learning and know it's all for the better...but dang, can a girl just get a Maui vacation already?

In the last week:

• I've gotten very good news that confirmed my time and energy spent going back to school to build up skills for a career IS paying off.
• Came home to a surprise that I'm just not ready to blog about. (On the surface, it was not a good surprise.)
• Agent M and I got to spend an extra evening together at his school's Family Film Night. Or rather, he blanket-hopped with a couple of school mates and gorged himself on popcorn and fruit snacks while watching Maria and the Von Trapp children pillow-fight and carol across a large screen hung in the Multi-Purpose room. (Agent M never got far from me though, and came back often to check in on me and see if I had money for more snacks.)
• Did four loads of laundry at the laundrymat, only to not have enough time to dry them. After spending the night completely wet but neatly folded on my kitchen counter, I then had to haul it all back to the laundrymat the next day. The owner of the place probably thinks I'm nuts.
• Unpacked and organized more in the living room, bathrooms, and my "office" nook and made a complete mess in my room by abandoning any hope of putting my clean laundry away (but at least it's dry!).
• Found some amazing thrift scores over the weekend (the perfect red gingham shirt! a four-drawer file cabinet!) AND had a friend pay for them for me as a "Don't Stress, Be Happy" gift.
• I've stressed. Seriously, the weekend was Hell. Sick, exhausted, couldn't focus on any of the 2,000 things I felt had to be done immediately. 
• Agent M and I have spent more time on my bed than anywhere else in the house. Thanks to a silky soft new comforter (a gift from my Uncle!), my bed is the coziest spot in the house. Agent M has taken to diving into it every morning while I get ready, and last night we did homework bundled up on it.
• I've happily lugged my laptop everywhere - from school to the public library to the dollar store (don't ask). Agent M will always be my baby, but my laptop is my baaay-beeee. If I wouldn't look crazy, I'd probably hug it often. 
• Agent M has been reading EVERYTHING. Building signs, traffic signs, magazine covers, if it has letters, he wants to know why. This absolutely makes me proud and so happy because just months ago he was constantly professing his dislike of reading and determination to never do it. 

And most of all:

• I've been immensely blessed to know that I am supported, loved and cared about by not only family and friends but also by random strangers and people I've met at school. People who I've looked to simply for a nudge in the right direction and received encouragement and generosity. Phone calls from relatives that have meant more to me than I can express. Agent M and I are fortunate to have so much love in our lives!