I hate that so much of my mental energy is focused on money lately. I have tried to shake it off, tried keeping my chin up, and plans are in motion that will help me work more from home and (hopefully) bring in more income again. But the fact still remains that all day long I am mentally tied up with wondering how I will pay rent, how will I afford Agent M's field trips, how will I pay for my car repairs (and if I should even bother with them since I am having a hard time paying for my car), how can I juggle the big things to afford the little things we need in day to day life, etc. I know I will figure it out but it has been weighing heavier than ever these past few months since I thought I would have it all figured out by now.
Six months ago, I had a job that paid well enough for me to pay all of my bills and have extra at the end of the month. Then, it was gone over night. It took me almost a month but I found two part time jobs to replace the one I had - but even combined, they paid hundreds less than what I had been making. Then, I was promoted to full time at one job. That came close to my previous income, but still just short enough to leave me juggling each week. Recently, I choose to quit the part time job I was working only 8-12 hours a week because of personal reasons relating to my son. I know it was the right choice to make for a variety of reasons, but financially it hasn't helped any.
As I have said, there are plans and paths ahead that I am going down that I hope will allow me to bring in more income. I have things to list on eBay and Etsy, and have gotten a few commissions for craft work and plan to kick into high gear with more commissions after the holidays. I am going to force myself to exercise both physically and mentally on a more consistent basis - physically for the stress relief and health benefits, and mentally by writing regularly again and going back to school to finish my general eds and get closer to completing a degree. These steps and plans take time though. They do not solve the questions "Will the rent check go through this month?" nor "How many paycheck advances can I take out this week?". These plans do not help me feel less guilty when, due to my hypoglycemia, I have to buy food for myself to make it through the work days even though I would rather go hungry and be able to buy my son toys for Christmas, or at least pay our SMUD bill.
It is frustrating to be so wrapped up in these thoughts from the moment I wake up to the moment I allow myself to succumb to sleep. I feel that I am fortunate in many ways and have numerous reasons to not complain but at the same time I am conflicted for feeling so many emotions at not being financially stable. I get angry, overwhelmed, cry, want to give up, get annoyed, and so on. But I also feel guilty, scared, helpless, and at times jealous. This all goes against many of my spiritually beliefs as well, which leads me to more worries and frustration. More often than any other time in my recent life, I have struggled with mindfulness and inner balance. I do not want to be a bad role model to my son during all of this either. He is going through a few things and having an agitated and distracted mother will do him no help. Knowing this, I worry more. Knowing that there are things out of my control and that I need to be focused and patient has comforted me in the past, however it now just adds to my worry.
There is no happy wrap up to this post. There is no inspirational thought or tidy quote that I can put here that will make me feel better or show that I am keeping a sunny disposition about matters. This is my life at the moment and it is messy. It is scary. It is as if all of the plates I for so long kept spinning have gotten to be too much and are wobbling and crashing to the floor around me.