Friday, June 1, 2012

Friday, May 25, 2012

Some Fridays Are Harder Than Others

I know that I owe this blog and it's 7 readers a catching-up post. But for the sake of reality, let's just pretend that my life is dealt in seasons like network episodes and after a cliff hanger of a season finale, this is the start of a new season. There are new roles for the characters and some things just will have to be explained as we go.

Tonight is supposed to be Date Night for me and WonderTwin. He was recently promoted and wanted to take me out to celebrate. Between him saving for moving and me saving for...well, bills...we are counting our pennies though, so our plans have gone from going to Outback Steak House to my saying "bring me steaks and I will cook them". But now, I am not so sure about even those plans.

Work was slow today. I only had two deliveries to make and generally felt like a bump on a log while I was there. Agent M has been in a mood the past couple of days and despite the good moments this week, it just felt like there was a gap between us that I could not close. I had a conversation with Agent M's dad the other night that has left an annoying slime in the back of my mind, threatening to coat my thoughts with it's cold bitterness. Add to that, I spent this afternoon bickering via text with Agent M's dad and the sudden drop in temperature outside has my shoulder aching to the point that even the slight tensing of my arm muscles from typing is making the burning ache grow more and more painful. You would think the idea of a date night would be so sweet and welcoming after all of this, but there is such a large part of me that just wants to hide from the world tonight, have a beer, and clean house a bit while catching up on Grimm. The fact is, I am sad. Simply, sad. I miss Agent M already and hate sending him to his dad's. He has told me that he has found cat litter in his bed when there and seen fleas jumping on him when he is in bed. His dad's family talks badly of me and Agent M is becoming more and more aware of it. Today again, he asked me to not make him go and I tell him I have to, the court decided that this is fair. He tells me to ignore the court, that he doesn't like going. All I can do it tell him I am sorry and that he needs to put on his shoes.

Tonight is supposed to be Date Night. I am hoping my WonderTwin will understand why my mood has changed so like the weather. I do not expect him to sit here with me or cook for me. He knows I have sunny days and cloudy days. Part of the joy of our date nights is that they get me out of the house when I want to hide and rage alone. Even though I am sad, maybe I will go do my makeup and hair anyways. Afterall, it's nice to share a cold, rainy evening with someone who will hold you close and tell you they love you. Tonight, I think I might need that a little more than I want to hide.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Is This Thing On?

I love that my first attempt to post from my phone resulted in me accidentally posting on one of my other sites that is not in use. an effort to get back into writing and focusing on this blog, I've put the Blogger app on my mobile phone. I am sure this will lead to many more photo posts at the least.

In the meantime, I know there is a lot of catching up to do. But, like always, I have to get ready for work and so a real catch-up post will have to wait.

Monday, April 23, 2012

I Suppose This Post Needs to Be Typed.

Two weeks ago, the Swede was here and we were a little more than half way through his visit.

Things were not going as I had hoped. Without dredging up all the bits and details, it was not a good visit. I broke up with him late at night on the 1st. I had been worried about the visit since we had been having bumps for a while, but I never expected it to go as it did. Within the first two days of his being here, all confidence I had was gone, I felt rejected, ugly, annoying, and had been told that my dreams and goals were unrealistic. One of the sharpest blows was that he had told me over the phone recently that he wanted to discuss the idea of his moving here when he saw me face-to-face, but when the topic came up in conversation once he was here, he stopped me mid-sentence and asked me why we would ever discuss that, and made it clear that he had no intention. Added to all the other going-ons, I was heartbroken. I was so sad that I would cry quietly in the shower each day, pressing my hands to my face to try to muffle the sound.

I didn't tell anyone much of what was going on when he was here, but there was no hiding it. Even my mum commented that I was not the same with him here, in demeanor or personal style. Without knowing the full story at the time, she still was there for me with hugs and telling me she was sorry to see me so sad. I felt like the colors were taken from my day. Agent M was edgy around him, often trying to get his attention but not getting much of it. It was such a different visit than the last time. I spent hours and days wondering what had changed, what I had done wrong to lose his interest and why others girls seemed to have it. I let it tear me down completely, at one point barely being able to muster up even the minimum amount of energy needed to pull off a facade of sunshine to make it through each day.

WonderTwin kept me going with daily texts of, "Good Morning, Beautiful!" and promises of ice cream and movie-watching time after the Swede left. My gals sent me messages telling me to keep my chin up, that they were making  plans to capture me for a girl's night to catch up. A couple other friends tried to comfort me during the nights I stayed up while the Swede slept, as I was crying so hard that I could barely see the keys to type while we chatted online. I didn't tell any of them the full details, mostly just that I was feeling so worthless and ugly and didn't know what had happened. I felt ashamed, stupid, and confused. I felt like a fool for believing anything he had said to me, and heartbroken over the actions that were so much louder than the few words he was saying.

But, that was two weeks ago. And I have gotten such an out pouring of love since he has left.

WonderTwin met me at my place when I got home from taking the Swede to the airport. I had sobbed the whole way home and tears were still streaming down my face when I pulled into my apartment parking lot. We stood in my doorway and he held me while I cried more. I poured it all out to him. I cried over how I felt I had been treated, over how I felt stupid, confused, and the grief for things that I thought were going to happen but never will. The whole time, he just held me close and listened. Then he took me to breakfast. When I picked Agent M up from school that day, we laid on my bed and just existed with each other for a bit. We tickled each other and smiled. WonderTwin came over again that evening, and ended up staying the night, helping me sleep soundly for the first time in three weeks.

The first few days were rough, but friends were practically shouting at me on my Facebook page and through texts - they loved me and were there for me. The girl's night was like a breath of air for a gasping fish. We laughed as I tried to learn to make fried chicken, then I poured it all out for them while eating the extremely burnt chicken and drinking lemonade vodka. My gals listened, lectured me on not calling them, but were never judgmental. I finally was able to tell my mum the details the next night, while driving her home from the airport. Again, more love, more support, and more being told that I deserved to be treated better.

It has been two weeks since the middle of that visit. The Swede and I are going to try to be friends. He tells me he misses me and still loves me. But I genuinely don't feel the same. I am hurt by his actions, hurt by things that went on behind my back and while he was here. We have chatted a little since he has been home. It is awkward and slow going, but we will see where it ends up. I'd like to say I am fine either way, even though I really miss how he was, but definitely not how he has been lately.

A lot has changed though since he has left. I might have a new job, my friends continue to amaze me with how supportive and loving they are, my confidence is (sortof) back, and WonderTwin...well, he is WonderTwin.

This morning, Agent M, WonderTwin, and I were all lounging on my bed before I took Agent M to school. WonderTwin was using his laptop and explaining a video game program to Agent M while I checked my emails on my laptop. After taking Agent M to school, as I was heading back to my place to get ready for school and work, I decided to stop and get some breakfast to surprise WonderTwin, who was still at my place working on his laptop. And really, that's when what I already knew really became the clearest. I really like WonderTwin. He makes me laugh, he holds me when I cry. He encourages me to push myself without making me feel like I am being a wimp. We can talk for hours just as comfortably as when we are doing our own things in silence while sitting next to each other. He plays with Agent M effortlessly and gets it when I am busy with Agent M. Honestly, the two of them have developed a habit of ganging up on me with fart jokes or demands for ice cream...and even though I throw them looks and tell them they are impossible, I love it. He has just as wicked a sense of humor as I do, is creative and passionate about his interests, and has a curiosity for the world that I have never really seen in another guy. He brings a lot to the table, haha. When I am not so hurt and my heart has healed, he is the type of guy I'd like to make smile every day. We've talked a bit about it, and he knows I am still hurting. But he knows I won't always be hurting so much. And he says he is waiting until that day.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012


It's 3am, I have been awake since 12:30am.

I fell asleep with Agent M, and even though Wondertwin attempted to text and call me to make sure I got back up to go do homework (he knows my ritual of "make plans to do work after Agent M is in bed, snuggle with Agent M, we both fall asleep, no work gets done"), I was curled into a crescent moon shape with Agent M and asleep by 9pm. 

Agent M is a pro at slumber gymnastics, and I usually wake up to an arm being tossed across me or by him scooting and turning on the bed like a long-limbed puppy trying to curl into just the right spot. Which means, I am awake around midnight, and have had just enough sleep to make it difficult to fall back to sleep in my own bed.

(This once went on for a good 5 days and by the end of the week I had fallen into a routine of taking a 2.5 hours "nap" at his bedtime, then another 2 hour "nap" around 4am. When he went to his dad's, I stopped taking the first "nap" and would just be up until 4 am. After a few days of that, I was a wreck and couldn't keep my days straight.)

In twelve hours, I plan to be at the airport, parking, and getting ready to wait for my Swede to arrive. With everything that has been going on, I am a huge tangled paper-clip style mess of emotions. I am excited to see him, hands down. Nervous as to how the visit will go (3 weeks! So much possibility!) and trying to not hold expectations. A bit bummed because it appears a couple of my friends have formed "teams" (Team Swede vs. Team Wondertwin...yeah, there's a whole blog post in itself), so I probably won't be planning any parties while he is here after all (hello, awkward!). Really though, I am excited. He and I had a bit of a bump on Sunday, but it was partially due to my forgetting he was leaving for Stockholm the early on Monday, and the part I was having an issue with, he made a point of apologizing for and then followed through on his word the next day. So, we will see. 

With him coming, I have been trying to do extra house cleaning and really don't have much left - though it sure sounds like a lot when I start listing it off. Basically, I'm going to do a quick clean of the bathrooms, change the bedding (and fix something on my bed which broke), put away laundry, clean up the downstairs a bit, and do the dishes. Really, all that is left can get done in a few hour's time. Wondertwin is going to come over and help me with fixing the bed after I get my nails done, which is really the biggest beast. Lot's of girly pampering today also. I am using birthday money to get my nails done, will do my own pedicure later, and plan to take a nice warm shower and get all girly-fied before I go to the airport. I re-dyed my hair already (yay for magenta!), so that is thankfully one thing off today's to-do list!

Since I don't know how much blogging I will do while he is here, I'm going to end with a quick rundown of stuff and a promise that if anything, I will photo blog.

 - Midterm scored are in! Math midterm exam - 87/100, English Lit. midterm paper - 82/100, English Lit. midterm exam - 198/250. Not the best, but I am pretty happy with my scores.

- Agent M is on a "no one likes me" kick. I hate it and it breaks my heart. After talking to a friend who has been through something similar with her son, I am taking a different approach and hoping it will lift his spirits. Plus, lots of extra cuddling.  

- I'm older! My birthday was Sunday and I turned 29! Woke up that morning snuggled in my bed with Agent M next to me and Suki on my stomach, and listening to the rain drizzle outside. Minus the bump the Swede and I had that morning, it was a great day. I got caught up on my math homework, had homemade breakfast at my parent's house with them, Agent M and a friend, ran some errands, played with Agent M and put together a big telescope to look at stars, and then ended the night with Wondertwin taking me to see The Hunger Games. Totally was an awesome birthday.

- Did not finish my professional portfolio, but turned in what I had. I will be lucky if I get even 4 points out of the 15 possible...but freaking glad to had that off my back.

- Swede gets here tonight, I have a huge math exam tomorrow morning. First-world gripe, but it still is sucky timing for the exam.

- Wondertwin gave me a huge pack of ultra fine sharpies for my birthday. I had previously (as in months and months before my birthday) told him that if anyone ever knew me well enough to buy me a pack of ultra fine sharpies as a gift, I would most likely consider that person to be marrying material. Things like this have caused me to decide he is far to awesome to be real and must really be a unicorn in human form and that any future girlfriends he has must not only be fully aware of his awesomeness but they also must be worthy of it. The bar is pretty high ladies, I won't stand for my Wondertwin being with just anyone.

- Agent M told me the other day that he likes me 95% of the time, but his dad only 80% of the time. Sad, but it still made me smile a little.

- Agent M also has declared "ass" to no longer be a cuss word and put it in the "words you can say around mum but you don't say at school" category, like "badass", "hell", "damn", and "crap". Last week, I over heard him say to Wondertwin, "Dude! This game is hella fun!", but then also was told by his teacher how impressed she is with his wide range of vocabulary and that he is far above grade level in his use and understanding of it. For all of this, I am one proud mama. And probably never going get the Mom of the Year award. 

Going to attempt to get another hour or so of sleep before I had to get up to take Agent M to school!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

It's Already Tuesday

Oh, how the whirlwind has been keeping me dizzy.

Big-scary court date to settle my divorce tomorrow? Canceled and rescheduled for the middle of next month. My attorney has the flu.

I have to say, I am relieved. This gives me more time to gather the papers my ex is requesting (proof of income, mostly. For some reason, he seems to think I am rolling in the dough and hiding it from him.). Also, it will be after The Swede leaves, so I can put the icky divorce-"Why is The Ex still so pissed off at me?!"-feelings on the back burner until he is gone.

Which brings us to that. I am quite excited about him coming...but so nervous too. We have been having a rough go lately, and due to some financial snafus I've had in the last couple of weeks I don't have a penny to spare for the trips and concerts we had hoped to plan. On one hand, this visit will be realistic. This is life, this is the day to day that Agent M and I live, and except for the fact that I will be off work the entire time, this will be a decent example of what it would be like to live in my world. It's not fancy, it's not opulent, but it is full of love and we make the best of it. On the other hand though, we have not been within arms reach of each other for six months, he's flying halfway around the world to come see me, and I'm terrified that he will end up bored and regretting the trip now that we might not make it to Tahoe, the coast, and a handful of live shows. I'm just hoping I can beg, borrow, and scrape up enough money to still take him out for his birthday, at the absolute least. (What is sad is that I just looked over my past blog posts for something, and saw that I said nearly the same thing a few weeks ago. Ugh.)

I think the biggest problem is that I feel like I have to show off and be my best when the Swede is here. I see him  in such a condensed amount of time, I want to make that great impression. Sure, we chat online often, and talk on the phone here and there, and try to webcam at least once a week. But it is still not the same as being in person. He knows that I prefer skirts and like snuggling while watching movies and shows. But now he is going to be thrown in my loop of waking up late and tossing on which ever semi-clean jeans I can find before class, and coming home to cat puke on the carpet. Agent M has his rough days, I tend to let the dishes pile up during the week, and sometimes I just don't feel like doing more than pigtails with my hair. My insecurities are running rampant - will he still think I am adorable when I have no makeup on? Will he find it boring when Agent M is home and just wants to play board games? When my homework frustrates me, will he think I am slow? Will he be horrified if I fart in my sleep? Will his lack of help in the kitchen drive me crazy and make me annoyed with doing all the cooking? Will my chattiness and his quiet nature clash or continue to compliment each other? Will this three weeks be enough to keep us going?

Basically, if he and I were on the same dirt on a regular basis, and really had the time to get to know each other in all the little ways that you get to know a person simply by spending time with them, would he and I still be a couple?

/boyfriend worries rant.

With court not happening tomorrow, I will get to go to my classes. Which means, I need to get my bum in gear and finish a project that is due tomorrow and a project that was due last week. Even though the workload is kicking my bum and I have had a hard time staying on track, I really enjoy my classes. I could listen to my English Lit. professor for hours, and love the insight my Early Childhood Education professor provides. My Math professor is quirky and scattered but has silly little stories and funny ways to explain things, and class is always interesting at least. I ended up dropping my online class, it just wasn't a format I could get used to and I was seriously behind. Luckily, I discovered the day after dropping it that I didn't need to be taking it after all - a class I took last semester fulfills the same section for my general education requirements. I finished filling out my educational plan (part of one of the projects I should be working on) and figured out a path for the next two years. It is going to be rough, with four classes a semester in the Spring and Fall semesters, plus one class each Summer. But if it all works out as I hope, I could be well on my way towards a Master Teacher Certificate, have all of my general education classes covered, and able to fully focus and work towards my Sociology degree. Whew!

On that note, this post is a bit boring and I need to get back to the projects. My next seven days are like this:

  • Tomorrow - Classes, clean, clean more, another class. Return library books. Wonder Twin is coming over to "do homework" but I am really going to make him help me clean. Eventually sleep.
  • Thursday - School observation appointment (big project for ECE, 2 hours of sitting in a room and taking down every detail I can about it's layout and how the teachers use the room), home to clean, hang with Agent M when he gets out of school, clean more once his dad picks him up. Take donations to the thrift store near my house. Try to lure over a friend to help with more cleaning. Eventually sleep.
  • Friday - Finish as much cleaning as possible. Bubble bath. Spend time getting prettied up. Pick up Agent M from school. Go to my parent's house for my birthday party. Possibly go to a concert with Wonder Twin depending on when/if the birthday party ends before Saturday. 
  • Saturday - Work. Try not to drive Agent M crazy and see if he will fall for my ploy of "Let's play in your room" and then cleaning it up. 
  • Sunday - No clue. Might be working, might not. It is my birthday, so I am hoping for not.
  • Monday - Classes, whatever homework and cleaning I have left, then pick up Agent M from school, Drop off Agent M to my parents. Class. Home to snuggle Agent M and try to sleep.
  • Tuesday - The Day. Finish whatever needs finishing. Bubble bath and get myself prettied up. Pick up Agent M from school, go to my parent's for a light dinner, leave Agent M there while I go to the airport. Try to remain calm and read a book or play games on my phone. See the Swede and probably will lose my cool and grin like an idiot the whole way home. 
Ok. There. Procrastinated enough. Back to homework.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Would you rather stay or go?

This is an option I will not have for the next 10 years. 

For the next decade, no matter where I want to live, where I want to go to school, who I fall in love with, where is the best opportunity for me to be the best I can be for myself and Agent M...

...I would basically have to get permission to move from someone who absolutely hates me.

(Agent M's dad)

I want to live by the ocean, I want to go to a "real" college one day, I am in love with a man who lives on the other side of the world, and I sometimes wonder if moving to a new city and having a new start would be the best for us.

But going is not in the cards for me and as the days tick off closer and closer to my upcoming 29th birthday and closer to my court day for the divorce this upcoming Wednesday, that fact is setting in more and more. 

At this point, the path ahead is looking awfully foggy, and this is not the life I had planned for, and I am really not sure where the path is going to lead.

With the events of the last few weeks, part of me is finding it hard to not just give up. 

When I was younger, before I had Agent M, I tried to kill myself three times. 

I was frustrated. I felt stuck. Everything in me wanted to just call it quits. I felt like I had no one and that even if I was missed, it really would not be that bad for the people I would leave behind, because I felt like I didn't have that much influence on their lives anyways.


I am glad I failed each time.

If I had not failed, I never would have gotten to feel just how big my heart can love. 

I never would have known that I have it in me to fight three years of severe depression, without medication and without much support.

I never would have met the people who made me realize I am worth a phone call, I am worth their time, and I never would have realized just how much my parents love me. 

Most of all, I never would have met the one person whom I love and adore over everyone else. 

And without him in my life, I would never have become the person I am today. 

I cry so much lately, and I am scared beyond words about how court will go this upcoming week. 

To put it simply - Agent M's dad is still trying to paint me as a mother that can not provide for her son. He is also requesting that I waive my rights to things I am entitled to and pay him a sum that is almost equal to the amount of money I made last year. 

With this looming ahead, and knowing that until Agent M is eighteen I will be at the mercy of co-parenting with a person who has so much bitterness and dislike towards me... much of me wants to just go.

But, I know that without a doubt, I will never, ever give up again. 

No matter what happens, I will always stay and fight. 

Because even at the end of a long day, there is someone who thinks I am worth it and always wants me to snuggle with him at bedtime. 

I will always stay because I want him grow up always knowing that he is worth everything to me.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Nothin' but the Truth

Would you rather always know the truth or remain blissfully ignorant sometimes?

Easy, peasy. Always know the truth. Even if it hurts and aches and makes me cry. 

I have been lied to by friends and partners so many times, and the truth has always come out in one way of another. It freakin' hurts to be lied to or to have someone hiding something from you, there's no way around it. Sugar-coating just makes it worse, and no matter how much time goes by, in the end it still sucks to know that someone lied.

But what about the non-lies? The simple acts of not lying, but not being completely honest either? Those are what have made me into the commitment-phobe, anti-trusting monkey that I am today. When someone lies to you with silence, not even bothering to spin a story web for you to untangle. Too many of those are what make me question every unanswered text and spin my own story webs for each night the Swede goes out drinking and partying. 

If I knew that I would always know the truth, I'd be more at ease. I would not spend hours wondering what people think or what someone is really feeling. I would not question motives and actions. I'd be genuinely happier knowing that I was not being made a fool.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Can't Keep Letting it Get You Down

Having my midterm project and midterm paper sneak up on me has made me into a stressed out, constantly queasy, over tired mess.

Added to the mess is that for the last couple weeks, I have been hearing Agent M tell me how he hates his dad and how "stupid" (his word, not mine) his dad is. What makes it more annoying to me is that the causes are all little, correctable things. They are things that, to me, seem like basic parenting. It is hard enough to not get frustrated when The Ex treats me in a way that I would never treat him, and to let go of how I would "expect" him to act. But when he does things (or not does things) that cause Agent M to yell for 10 mins "I hate my dad!" over and over...well, it sucks.

Yesterday's event was caused by something that meant a lot to Agent M, that I had specifically asked his dad about, and yet, Agent M has possibly missed out on something because his dad did not take the time to check the date of something. Any guesses?

We missed a book order.

Minor right? Not the end of the world by any means. But, this is not the first time that I have asked his dad to make sure I get the book order form so that I can order something for Agent M. Actually, his dad had the book order form since last Friday, did not tell me, and when Agent M told me about it early in the week, I specifically asked his dad when the due date was since I wanted to order a book or two for Agent M. His reply was just that he did not know off the top of his head. So I asked if he would at least send the order form with Agent M when he came to my house on Friday. Which he did. Even though it says across the top in bold, black lettering: "DUE 3/9/12"

Skipping Agent M for a moment, here is where my expectations come in:

  • When I have gotten the book order forms, I have let his dad know. I have told him the due date, asked if he wants to look over the form, etc. He never has. I expect him to do the same for me, so that I can be as involved as possible and have the chance to get something for Agent M, who loves getting book orders. 
  • I expected him to check the due date when I asked, not just say "I don't know" and then blow it off as not important enough to check. 
  • I expected him to give a rip that I would want to do something for Agent M and meet me halfway on it by getting the info to me when asked, or just by letting me know ASAP.
  • I expect that he would have noticed the due date when putting the order form into Agent M's backpack (The Ex was the one to take it out and put it back in, Agent M said), and even if it was Friday morning when he noticed, I would have expected him to send me a quick text or phone call to say, "Hey, my bad. It is due today, then if you want to go drop off a check and fill it out before you go to work, you can."
Basically, I expect him to do for me what I would do for him. And that is my big mistake in all of this divorce/ co-parenting attempts. I simply can not expect anything from him - good nor bad. (I also have been told that I can not do all of those things for him that I would expect in return - but I always do what I can to encourage him to be a better parent for Agent M, so that's a harder habit to break.) When I have these expectations, I know that chances are, I will be let down. I will get frustrated. I will wonder why he does things in such a way. And I work hard to just let it all go.

And this is where Agent M comes right back into focus.

"I hate my dad! He always is messing things up for me! He never turns stuff in on time!"

What the hell do you do when your heart and joy is so upset by something completely out of your control, so minor to have prevented, and it has pissed you off also? 

I breathed. I let him rant and wail a little while I mentally did the same. And then, I calmed myself down as much as I could, and chose my words carefully. I told Agent M that I was really sad also. I told him I felt it was unfair also. I told him it was not worth hating someone for it though, and he was better than to waste his energy on hatred. We talked about possible ways to keep it from happening again. We talked about Agent M being the one to make sure the book order is given to me, a position I do not like to put him in but he said he doesn't want to give it to his dad from now on. I told him I was talk to his dad and see if there was a better system that we could work out to keep this from happening over and over. And when asked why does his dad do this type of stuff, I was honest and told him I just don't know. And I told him that I would talk to his teacher on Monday and see if there is any way that I can still get an order in. Because I might not be able to control or prevent what happens on his dad's end of things, but I can control what I do. I can do what I can for Agent M, especially if it will show him that I pay attention to what matters to him. And even though a book order is minor in the big picture, it mattered to him. 

Friday, March 9, 2012

Counting Weeks

It seems like I don't live my life day to day. It is ruled and managed by weeks. Usually there is only the scheduling of who's house Agent M is at, as I plan things in "every other week" time slots, since he goes to his dad's house for a week, then our house for a week. But the passages of time have become even more glaringly apparent in the last few weeks, as due dates for midterm papers and projects and the Swede's arrival have all marched closer and closer.

School is flying by, leaving me to wonder at times if I am retaining enough. I have a small calendar that I keep in my binder that has the due dates for projects and papers, the dates for all of Agent M's field trips until the end of  his school year, and the dates and times of each of my classes, among other bits and bobs. Unfortunately, having such a well planned out calendar did not prevent me from thinking I had one more week to finish the Midterm Project I have due on Monday, and the Midterm Paper and Exam that are on Wednesday. With that one realization, I went from feeling confident in how I was managing my classes to feeling massively overwhelmed and behind.

As for the Swede - it has been about six months since we last saw each other face to face, but in less than three weeks I will be picking his up from the airport for an almost-three-week long visit. My feelings on his visit have become so muddled and mixed. I am anxious, excited, nervous, and hoping I can get the house cleaned up more before he gets here. Oddly enough I am also a bit sad about it. He and Wonder Twin (best guy friend, not mentioned here before, I don't think...) are a bit like oil and water at this point which means that during the Swede's visit, I will not see Wonder Twin. It might not sound like a big deal, but this is someone I am used to seeing 3 to 5 times a week. Also, with money being so tight still, I am unsure what to plan while he visits and am a bit worried that he will be bored or, worse, that we will not have the means to buy food for the meals I want to make and go to the places we have talked about going to. In general, I am excited to see him and miss him so, but what if he gets here and I am a disappointment?

I have more I want to say, but as it is I am falling asleep while typing and have to be up, dressed, and leaving for work in 7 hours. I will definitely revisit this topic later.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Let's Give NaBloPoMo a Second Chance

After not following along well with the November NaBloPoMo, and deciding that I really didn't like the confines of a post-to-a-prompt-a-day schedule, you would probably not expect me to commit to another "Blog-along".

And that is exactly why I am saying "Hello!" to the March NaBloPoMo from BlogHer

I am going to push myself to stick to the commitment, push myself to find words when prompts leave me frustrated, and use this as a re-commitment to myself as a writer. 

The theme is "Whether", as March is a month of transition. Winter to Spring. A rebirth after a quiet or storm. To me, March is a pivotal month for reflections and looking forward. My birthday is on the 25th, giving me almost the whole month to consider both my past year and the year ahead of me, before I get to celebrate the beginning of my next year. 

Of course, it was a decision "whether" or not to join NaBloPoMo. I am still taking four classes, still working part-time, and the end of my divorce is creeping it's way closer and closer. Agent M has been having a few rough weeks, ones that have included lots of tears and lots of snuggling. The Swede is going to be back for a three week visit soon, and I have a lot of things (both at home and with school work) that I'd like to wrap up before he gets here. Simply put - I have a lot of plates I add another plate (daily blogging)? 

Well, you only live once, right? I want to prove to myself that I have that kind of focus in me. I want to be a better writer and make this blog into something bigger. Here's to making the first shift towards my goals. 

Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Short of It.

There's something I need to put out there, mostly to make myself feel better. See, it looks like I rarely write posts but truth be told, I have been writing. A lot. 

And that is the problem. 

I start a post, and have a plan of what I want to get out...and then it gets long. And then longer. And then it gets to the point where it is a Beast that knows not the confines of word counts and I shove it into the drafts category of Blogger - a place I have come to mentally picture as a sort of limbo-like Hell for words. 

So, while I juggle doing homework, and time with Agent M, and studying for exams, and laundry, and catnaps, and oh-crap-I-need-to-clean-the-fish-tank-before-the-snails-picket type of deep housecleaning...I'll work on blogging little bits too. :)

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

It's Not Just Me.

Yeah, yeah. I started school a couple weeks ago and pretty much forgot I had a blog. Forgive me.


When I first left Agent M's Dad, I only knew a couple other parents who didn't "make it". Literally, like, 2 other people. I felt like a failure, but I also knew that what was going on was not right and that if I didn't leave, it would only get worse. It was a decision I had to make and I am proud that I had the strength to do it.

I still felt like I was on uncharted territory for the first few months though. I'd silently scan crowds of parents for other parents that were "solo-looking". When celebrity marriages crumbled, I took note and consoled myself that even with their beauty, money, and star-lit lives, they didn't "make it" either. I needed to know that it wasn't just me or that I had not done enough.

Slowly, over the past couple of years, I have seen and heard of more and more friends and friends of friends unhappy in marriages and figure that is just how marriage is, or cheating on each other because they are unhappy but don't want to go through the divorce process, or separate temporarily and get back together years later, and even a few who divorced in record time. I don't know if it is just that I am more aware, slightly tuned to notice these things more than the average person would notice, but I notice it and let the news linger each time. No matter who the "bad guy" (or gal) is, I still feel for both sides usually. It's not a fun process, it's painful, and it brings up a lot of uncomfortable questions. It makes me think of my own still on-going divorce, and wonder over what I could have done differently and what lies ahead still.

For some silly reason, celebrity breakups get to me. I am not a celebrity stalker, I don't own a t.v., and the most "gossip" I get is from reading magazine headlines at work, and then maybe an article or two if I see someone I think is talented mentioned. So I'm not talking about the Bachelorette-known-you-for-8-months breakups. I mean the big ones. Heidi Klum and Seal, John Mellencamp and his wife Elaine, Shakira and Antonio de la Ru. People who had built long standing lives with each other. When it was announced that Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed were separated, a friend and I sent messages back and forth to each other that there was no hope for love in this world if those two couldn't "make it".

But even more of a punch comes when it is closer to home. When it is someone who is a real person, but still slightly above the rest of us. Local well-knowns, bloggers that I have read for years. So, it was with a lot of sadness when I read last night that Dooce is the latest one hit with the baseball bat to the stomach that is separation/divorce. See, she is in that borderland between "everyday person" and "celebrity". She is famous to me, and many others, and yet, she is totally human at the same time. She is real in her posts, doesn't hide the gritty stuff, and celebrates the joyous. She is someone I can picture waving to or chatting with here and there if our kids went to the same school. I feel for her because I know how hard that bat hits, and how hard it is to pick yourself up when it keeps swinging. Having someone "like her" announce that now she is part of The Club brings it closer to home. The reality that no matter how awesome two people are, no matter how great their lives might seem, sometimes it just doesn't work.

It makes me scared to let myself fall in love again. Things are a little choppy between the Swede and I right now - between school, work, and time zones, it is hard to chat with each other some days, we have had a couple big hills to overcome lately, and we have some big things to talk about on the horizon. The reality of us is that one of us would need to plan to move to another country if we want to make a decent go of this - and until Agent M is 18 years old, moving out of country is probably not going to be an option for me. That leaves the ball in his court and the idea of asking someone to move across the world for something that might not work out terrifies me. I have a horrible habit of wanting to flee the relationship when things feel this serious, but, I have to say he is a trooper and he does not let me give up. I adore him for it. (I also slightly question his sanity, for putting up with such a nutty American girl...)

I think it is harder after you have been through the heart-wringer to trust that you can do it again. When you have ripped out your heart, or had it ripped out in a fit of rage, or had it quietly shattered, or just had the flame in it go out, it is hard to even want to pursue someone again. I have craved being part of a cute, happy family, but I am terrified to have another ten years end up in a mess of his-debt/her-debt and resentful words spoken behind backs. The small comfort I find is in the others who have been there and tried again, or who are figuring out how to pick up the pieces with me. Seeing that is not just me, that this can happen to anyone, is a reminder that there are things out of our control at times and love is anything but controlled in the first place. I know it is not just me who is hesitant, scared to let someone get that close again. I know that even with the bills paid, the house clean, and the kid well-fed, at the end of the day it comes down to the two people involved. And with that in mind, I just keep hoping that every time I get scared, The Swede will still be there to tell me I am being silly.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

January 4th, 2012

I made it through the 4th with out biting anyone's head off, eating a tub of ice cream, screaming curse words, mentally tearing apart The Ex Hubby, or drinking myself to sleep (which I would not have really done anyways because Agent M was home and I don't have alcohol anywhere near me or the house when he is here).

It would have been our 8 year anniversary. Instead, it was the 1 year anniversary of when he filed the papers for our divorce, without my knowing. I was less than one month out of my shoulder surgery and in the process of moving down the street from one apartment complex to another, to an apartment that was twice the size for the same price. It was a whirlwind of a new year already, and I had no clue what else was coming my way.

I didn't know that in the coming weeks, Agent M and I would come home from running errands after school, and there would be a stack of papers sitting on our doorstep. I didn't know that it would hit me so hard that I gasped for air once I realized what the papers were, and I would continue to gasp like a fish as I told Agent M to unlock the door for us, and to go inside while I called Nana. He played upstairs in his room as I choked back unexpected sobs and begged my mum to come over. She only lived a mile away, not more than a 5 minute drive even if you get stuck each of the three stop lights between us, but I still swear if felt like she was there in 45 seconds. (Further proof that nothing will stop a mother when her daughter's barely healed heart is shattering all over again, and that nothing will stop a Nana when her grandson needs to be distracted from how sad the world can be at times.)

Even though it has been about 2 years since I left our home together, and more years than that that we did not considered ourselves a couple, this year hit a nerve. The Swede and I had been having a tough couple of days, and when I asked him, "Are we ok?", reading his typed reply of "Yes, we are ok.", just wasn't the same as getting a reassuring hug or kiss on the forehead. Valentine's candy and decor have been spring up at the store I work at, a reminder that I will be at school on V-Day evening, not having a night of movies and cuddling with The Swede (or even a night of Monopoly and cartoons with Agent M). Work had been busier than usual already that week, plus everyone was edgy after hearing about a former co-worker who took is own life at the start of the week, leaving behind a daughter and wife. I didn't know the man other than by name and a couple hello's, but it still had an impact on me. It made me think more than usual about where I am at, and where I want to be. I've been in that sad, lonely, dark place. Where you don't see things working out for the better. At that time, I was a stay-at-home mum, and had the house, the husband, the two cars, two cats, and happy kid. Now, I work as many hours as they'll give me to have the money to keep the car, have an apartment (not complaining, it's pretty nice) and my ex-husband would be perfectly happy to label me as The Bad Guy and never have anything to do with me again. But thankfully, the kid is still pretty happy. If I can lose so much and still keep my head up as I struggle each month, why couldn't he find his way out of that dark place? Those thoughts swirls in my head and jumbled with the what-ifs of "What If - I had stayed longer?" and "What If - I end up old and alone with no one to hold me on cold nights?" and on and on. I listened to love songs on the way home from work and wondered if anyone would ever fall in love with me again, and if I could ever let myself fall in love with someone again.

I was a pity party waiting to happen, really.

But, I made it though. When Agent M went to bed that night, I got a little teary for a moment...then went back to looking up costs of textbooks for this coming semester of class and watched an episode of NCIS before I fell asleep. It was a rough day, but I have had worse. A friend made me smile when I turned to him with pleas of "When I am old and alone, come take me to a movie once a month! Don't let me be a hermit old lady with a walker and no one to check in on me from time to time!". Agent M gave me big hugs that day, and I really do like our apartment, in some ways more than the house. And, lucky gal that I am, a couple days later I was sitting in a KFC with a friend who is another single mom who is juggling work and school to make a better life for her and her sons. She was treating me to lunch because she had gotten approved for a student loan and wanted to celebrate. As we joked about living it up on cheap chicken meals and talked about the men in our lives, I realized that those rough days make all the other days just that much more wonderful.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy New Year!

Thank God for the figurative end of a another year. I am so ready to be done with those chapters and move into the next book of the series.

This is my year to break down the walls. As a rule, I generally don't put much of myself out there to other people, unless it is on accident. But the last few months of letting in friends a little more has been wonderful. I know a great group of people who are each funny, talented, inspiring, and just make life a little bit more sunshiny when the clouds are closing in. I feel really lucky that they have drug me out of my little hermit shell a bit, and shown me that even though I have been burned in the past, there are people out there who are worth trusting.

Speaking my needs, but also holding my tongue and speaking with a purpose. This year I will continue to find my voice, but that doesn't mean I have to be a bitch about it. I will keep learning when to speak up and when to wait my words until I can see a bigger picture. When I say something, I will be sure it is what I mean, not just me being mouthy and snarky. But, when I feel snarky and mouthy, if I can't hold it in then I will find the right place and time for it to all come out - and then I will leave it. Let it all go. I will live live with more love and passion and not hold it all back out of fear.

This year will bring more time for long showers. And reading books. Painting my toe nails and putting on lotion. Doing floor exercises at home. These things make me happy. They are good for my mental and physical health, and it only snowballs into much worse when I neglect to tend to myself.

I am ready to refocus on the parent I want to be. When Agent M was young, the group of friends I hung out with referred to me as the "zen mama". I was a rock in a storm - be the storm people whose beliefs where against breastfeeding, doctors trying to force us to fully vaccinate Agent M, or simply just a small, pudgy little guy who was teething wildly. But for the past couple of years, it has been hard to find that permanence and hold true to what my parenting beliefs are. I get lazy and resort to "because I'm mum" more than I ever wanted. For the first three years of Agent M's life, I was a co-sleeping, breastfeeding, slightly-crunchy mum. I had wooden toys for him, kept our house free of chemicals, and we played with art supplies daily. I miss that and feel so far from it, those ideals of living a life that is filled with simple purpose and healthy living. This is my year to get back to that and find how it works with our life of superheros and zombies.

Studying will be something I plan out and work on continually, just like my body and getting an etsy shop going (no, really!). Every minute will have a purpose, and what I find to be useless in my life will go. My time will be spent on things that I love or the things that will bring me joy and happiness for Agent M and myself in the long run - this life is far too precious to just waste on being angry or doing things that are empty of purpose.

My patio, the river, and the parks are all close by and free. I will spend more time at them, even if it is just while crocheting or studying or walking. There is so much beauty in the world and being out in it is good for the soul. I want Agent M to learn this too, and what better way to teach him then by my example?

My divorce will wrap up this year, and I am confident that I will get what is right and fair out of it. I will take the hurt and the fears from my marriage and it's unraveling and I will acknowledge them as the past that they are. The major relationship I had after I left my husband hurt me more than any other and left me broken and defeated feeling. But they are done. I will put them in a place in my heart to remind me of how far I have come and how strong I can be. I will take those fears and scars and no longer let them hold me back or keep me from being the woman I want to be for the man that I want. I will take the wisdom that comes from the ashes of the pain and turn it into a love for the life I know I can make for myself and Agent M.

Happy New Year - here's to making it beautiful!