Somehow, the trampoline became even more fun after it tore...
Friday, June 1, 2012
Friday, May 25, 2012
Tonight is supposed to be Date Night for me and WonderTwin. He was recently promoted and wanted to take me out to celebrate. Between him saving for moving and me saving for...well, bills...we are counting our pennies though, so our plans have gone from going to Outback Steak House to my saying "bring me steaks and I will cook them". But now, I am not so sure about even those plans.
Work was slow today. I only had two deliveries to make and generally felt like a bump on a log while I was there. Agent M has been in a mood the past couple of days and despite the good moments this week, it just felt like there was a gap between us that I could not close. I had a conversation with Agent M's dad the other night that has left an annoying slime in the back of my mind, threatening to coat my thoughts with it's cold bitterness. Add to that, I spent this afternoon bickering via text with Agent M's dad and the sudden drop in temperature outside has my shoulder aching to the point that even the slight tensing of my arm muscles from typing is making the burning ache grow more and more painful. You would think the idea of a date night would be so sweet and welcoming after all of this, but there is such a large part of me that just wants to hide from the world tonight, have a beer, and clean house a bit while catching up on Grimm. The fact is, I am sad. Simply, sad. I miss Agent M already and hate sending him to his dad's. He has told me that he has found cat litter in his bed when there and seen fleas jumping on him when he is in bed. His dad's family talks badly of me and Agent M is becoming more and more aware of it. Today again, he asked me to not make him go and I tell him I have to, the court decided that this is fair. He tells me to ignore the court, that he doesn't like going. All I can do it tell him I am sorry and that he needs to put on his shoes.
Tonight is supposed to be Date Night. I am hoping my WonderTwin will understand why my mood has changed so like the weather. I do not expect him to sit here with me or cook for me. He knows I have sunny days and cloudy days. Part of the joy of our date nights is that they get me out of the house when I want to hide and rage alone. Even though I am sad, maybe I will go do my makeup and hair anyways. Afterall, it's nice to share a cold, rainy evening with someone who will hold you close and tell you they love you. Tonight, I think I might need that a little more than I want to hide.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
I love that my first attempt to post from my phone resulted in me accidentally posting on one of my other sites that is not in use.
Anyways...in an effort to get back into writing and focusing on this blog, I've put the Blogger app on my mobile phone. I am sure this will lead to many more photo posts at the least.
In the meantime, I know there is a lot of catching up to do. But, like always, I have to get ready for work and so a real catch-up post will have to wait.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Things were not going as I had hoped. Without dredging up all the bits and details, it was not a good visit. I broke up with him late at night on the 1st. I had been worried about the visit since we had been having bumps for a while, but I never expected it to go as it did. Within the first two days of his being here, all confidence I had was gone, I felt rejected, ugly, annoying, and had been told that my dreams and goals were unrealistic. One of the sharpest blows was that he had told me over the phone recently that he wanted to discuss the idea of his moving here when he saw me face-to-face, but when the topic came up in conversation once he was here, he stopped me mid-sentence and asked me why we would ever discuss that, and made it clear that he had no intention. Added to all the other going-ons, I was heartbroken. I was so sad that I would cry quietly in the shower each day, pressing my hands to my face to try to muffle the sound.
I didn't tell anyone much of what was going on when he was here, but there was no hiding it. Even my mum commented that I was not the same with him here, in demeanor or personal style. Without knowing the full story at the time, she still was there for me with hugs and telling me she was sorry to see me so sad. I felt like the colors were taken from my day. Agent M was edgy around him, often trying to get his attention but not getting much of it. It was such a different visit than the last time. I spent hours and days wondering what had changed, what I had done wrong to lose his interest and why others girls seemed to have it. I let it tear me down completely, at one point barely being able to muster up even the minimum amount of energy needed to pull off a facade of sunshine to make it through each day.
WonderTwin kept me going with daily texts of, "Good Morning, Beautiful!" and promises of ice cream and movie-watching time after the Swede left. My gals sent me messages telling me to keep my chin up, that they were making plans to capture me for a girl's night to catch up. A couple other friends tried to comfort me during the nights I stayed up while the Swede slept, as I was crying so hard that I could barely see the keys to type while we chatted online. I didn't tell any of them the full details, mostly just that I was feeling so worthless and ugly and didn't know what had happened. I felt ashamed, stupid, and confused. I felt like a fool for believing anything he had said to me, and heartbroken over the actions that were so much louder than the few words he was saying.
But, that was two weeks ago. And I have gotten such an out pouring of love since he has left.
WonderTwin met me at my place when I got home from taking the Swede to the airport. I had sobbed the whole way home and tears were still streaming down my face when I pulled into my apartment parking lot. We stood in my doorway and he held me while I cried more. I poured it all out to him. I cried over how I felt I had been treated, over how I felt stupid, confused, and the grief for things that I thought were going to happen but never will. The whole time, he just held me close and listened. Then he took me to breakfast. When I picked Agent M up from school that day, we laid on my bed and just existed with each other for a bit. We tickled each other and smiled. WonderTwin came over again that evening, and ended up staying the night, helping me sleep soundly for the first time in three weeks.
The first few days were rough, but friends were practically shouting at me on my Facebook page and through texts - they loved me and were there for me. The girl's night was like a breath of air for a gasping fish. We laughed as I tried to learn to make fried chicken, then I poured it all out for them while eating the extremely burnt chicken and drinking lemonade vodka. My gals listened, lectured me on not calling them, but were never judgmental. I finally was able to tell my mum the details the next night, while driving her home from the airport. Again, more love, more support, and more being told that I deserved to be treated better.
It has been two weeks since the middle of that visit. The Swede and I are going to try to be friends. He tells me he misses me and still loves me. But I genuinely don't feel the same. I am hurt by his actions, hurt by things that went on behind my back and while he was here. We have chatted a little since he has been home. It is awkward and slow going, but we will see where it ends up. I'd like to say I am fine either way, even though I really miss how he was, but definitely not how he has been lately.
A lot has changed though since he has left. I might have a new job, my friends continue to amaze me with how supportive and loving they are, my confidence is (sortof) back, and WonderTwin...well, he is WonderTwin.
This morning, Agent M, WonderTwin, and I were all lounging on my bed before I took Agent M to school. WonderTwin was using his laptop and explaining a video game program to Agent M while I checked my emails on my laptop. After taking Agent M to school, as I was heading back to my place to get ready for school and work, I decided to stop and get some breakfast to surprise WonderTwin, who was still at my place working on his laptop. And really, that's when what I already knew really became the clearest. I really like WonderTwin. He makes me laugh, he holds me when I cry. He encourages me to push myself without making me feel like I am being a wimp. We can talk for hours just as comfortably as when we are doing our own things in silence while sitting next to each other. He plays with Agent M effortlessly and gets it when I am busy with Agent M. Honestly, the two of them have developed a habit of ganging up on me with fart jokes or demands for ice cream...and even though I throw them looks and tell them they are impossible, I love it. He has just as wicked a sense of humor as I do, is creative and passionate about his interests, and has a curiosity for the world that I have never really seen in another guy. He brings a lot to the table, haha. When I am not so hurt and my heart has healed, he is the type of guy I'd like to make smile every day. We've talked a bit about it, and he knows I am still hurting. But he knows I won't always be hurting so much. And he says he is waiting until that day.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Big-scary court date to settle my divorce tomorrow? Canceled and rescheduled for the middle of next month. My attorney has the flu.
I have to say, I am relieved. This gives me more time to gather the papers my ex is requesting (proof of income, mostly. For some reason, he seems to think I am rolling in the dough and hiding it from him.). Also, it will be after The Swede leaves, so I can put the icky divorce-"Why is The Ex still so pissed off at me?!"-feelings on the back burner until he is gone.
Which brings us to that. I am quite excited about him coming...but so nervous too. We have been having a rough go lately, and due to some financial snafus I've had in the last couple of weeks I don't have a penny to spare for the trips and concerts we had hoped to plan. On one hand, this visit will be realistic. This is life, this is the day to day that Agent M and I live, and except for the fact that I will be off work the entire time, this will be a decent example of what it would be like to live in my world. It's not fancy, it's not opulent, but it is full of love and we make the best of it. On the other hand though, we have not been within arms reach of each other for six months, he's flying halfway around the world to come see me, and I'm terrified that he will end up bored and regretting the trip now that we might not make it to Tahoe, the coast, and a handful of live shows. I'm just hoping I can beg, borrow, and scrape up enough money to still take him out for his birthday, at the absolute least. (What is sad is that I just looked over my past blog posts for something, and saw that I said nearly the same thing a few weeks ago. Ugh.)
I think the biggest problem is that I feel like I have to show off and be my best when the Swede is here. I see him in such a condensed amount of time, I want to make that great impression. Sure, we chat online often, and talk on the phone here and there, and try to webcam at least once a week. But it is still not the same as being in person. He knows that I prefer skirts and like snuggling while watching movies and shows. But now he is going to be thrown in my loop of waking up late and tossing on which ever semi-clean jeans I can find before class, and coming home to cat puke on the carpet. Agent M has his rough days, I tend to let the dishes pile up during the week, and sometimes I just don't feel like doing more than pigtails with my hair. My insecurities are running rampant - will he still think I am adorable when I have no makeup on? Will he find it boring when Agent M is home and just wants to play board games? When my homework frustrates me, will he think I am slow? Will he be horrified if I fart in my sleep? Will his lack of help in the kitchen drive me crazy and make me annoyed with doing all the cooking? Will my chattiness and his quiet nature clash or continue to compliment each other? Will this three weeks be enough to keep us going?
Basically, if he and I were on the same dirt on a regular basis, and really had the time to get to know each other in all the little ways that you get to know a person simply by spending time with them, would he and I still be a couple?
/boyfriend worries rant.
With court not happening tomorrow, I will get to go to my classes. Which means, I need to get my bum in gear and finish a project that is due tomorrow and a project that was due last week. Even though the workload is kicking my bum and I have had a hard time staying on track, I really enjoy my classes. I could listen to my English Lit. professor for hours, and love the insight my Early Childhood Education professor provides. My Math professor is quirky and scattered but has silly little stories and funny ways to explain things, and class is always interesting at least. I ended up dropping my online class, it just wasn't a format I could get used to and I was seriously behind. Luckily, I discovered the day after dropping it that I didn't need to be taking it after all - a class I took last semester fulfills the same section for my general education requirements. I finished filling out my educational plan (part of one of the projects I should be working on) and figured out a path for the next two years. It is going to be rough, with four classes a semester in the Spring and Fall semesters, plus one class each Summer. But if it all works out as I hope, I could be well on my way towards a Master Teacher Certificate, have all of my general education classes covered, and able to fully focus and work towards my Sociology degree. Whew!
On that note, this post is a bit boring and I need to get back to the projects. My next seven days are like this:
- Tomorrow - Classes, clean, clean more, another class. Return library books. Wonder Twin is coming over to "do homework" but I am really going to make him help me clean. Eventually sleep.
- Thursday - School observation appointment (big project for ECE, 2 hours of sitting in a room and taking down every detail I can about it's layout and how the teachers use the room), home to clean, hang with Agent M when he gets out of school, clean more once his dad picks him up. Take donations to the thrift store near my house. Try to lure over a friend to help with more cleaning. Eventually sleep.
- Friday - Finish as much cleaning as possible. Bubble bath. Spend time getting prettied up. Pick up Agent M from school. Go to my parent's house for my birthday party. Possibly go to a concert with Wonder Twin depending on when/if the birthday party ends before Saturday.
- Saturday - Work. Try not to drive Agent M crazy and see if he will fall for my ploy of "Let's play in your room" and then cleaning it up.
- Sunday - No clue. Might be working, might not. It is my birthday, so I am hoping for not.
- Monday - Classes, whatever homework and cleaning I have left, then pick up Agent M from school, Drop off Agent M to my parents. Class. Home to snuggle Agent M and try to sleep.
- Tuesday - The Day. Finish whatever needs finishing. Bubble bath and get myself prettied up. Pick up Agent M from school, go to my parent's for a light dinner, leave Agent M there while I go to the airport. Try to remain calm and read a book or play games on my phone. See the Swede and probably will lose my cool and grin like an idiot the whole way home.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Added to the mess is that for the last couple weeks, I have been hearing Agent M tell me how he hates his dad and how "stupid" (his word, not mine) his dad is. What makes it more annoying to me is that the causes are all little, correctable things. They are things that, to me, seem like basic parenting. It is hard enough to not get frustrated when The Ex treats me in a way that I would never treat him, and to let go of how I would "expect" him to act. But when he does things (or not does things) that cause Agent M to yell for 10 mins "I hate my dad!" over and over...well, it sucks.
Yesterday's event was caused by something that meant a lot to Agent M, that I had specifically asked his dad about, and yet, Agent M has possibly missed out on something because his dad did not take the time to check the date of something. Any guesses?
We missed a book order.
Minor right? Not the end of the world by any means. But, this is not the first time that I have asked his dad to make sure I get the book order form so that I can order something for Agent M. Actually, his dad had the book order form since last Friday, did not tell me, and when Agent M told me about it early in the week, I specifically asked his dad when the due date was since I wanted to order a book or two for Agent M. His reply was just that he did not know off the top of his head. So I asked if he would at least send the order form with Agent M when he came to my house on Friday. Which he did. Even though it says across the top in bold, black lettering: "DUE 3/9/12"
Skipping Agent M for a moment, here is where my expectations come in:
- When I have gotten the book order forms, I have let his dad know. I have told him the due date, asked if he wants to look over the form, etc. He never has. I expect him to do the same for me, so that I can be as involved as possible and have the chance to get something for Agent M, who loves getting book orders.
- I expected him to check the due date when I asked, not just say "I don't know" and then blow it off as not important enough to check.
- I expected him to give a rip that I would want to do something for Agent M and meet me halfway on it by getting the info to me when asked, or just by letting me know ASAP.
- I expect that he would have noticed the due date when putting the order form into Agent M's backpack (The Ex was the one to take it out and put it back in, Agent M said), and even if it was Friday morning when he noticed, I would have expected him to send me a quick text or phone call to say, "Hey, my bad. It is due today, then if you want to go drop off a check and fill it out before you go to work, you can."
Friday, March 9, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
When I first left Agent M's Dad, I only knew a couple other parents who didn't "make it". Literally, like, 2 other people. I felt like a failure, but I also knew that what was going on was not right and that if I didn't leave, it would only get worse. It was a decision I had to make and I am proud that I had the strength to do it.
I still felt like I was on uncharted territory for the first few months though. I'd silently scan crowds of parents for other parents that were "solo-looking". When celebrity marriages crumbled, I took note and consoled myself that even with their beauty, money, and star-lit lives, they didn't "make it" either. I needed to know that it wasn't just me or that I had not done enough.
Slowly, over the past couple of years, I have seen and heard of more and more friends and friends of friends unhappy in marriages and figure that is just how marriage is, or cheating on each other because they are unhappy but don't want to go through the divorce process, or separate temporarily and get back together years later, and even a few who divorced in record time. I don't know if it is just that I am more aware, slightly tuned to notice these things more than the average person would notice, but I notice it and let the news linger each time. No matter who the "bad guy" (or gal) is, I still feel for both sides usually. It's not a fun process, it's painful, and it brings up a lot of uncomfortable questions. It makes me think of my own still on-going divorce, and wonder over what I could have done differently and what lies ahead still.
For some silly reason, celebrity breakups get to me. I am not a celebrity stalker, I don't own a t.v., and the most "gossip" I get is from reading magazine headlines at work, and then maybe an article or two if I see someone I think is talented mentioned. So I'm not talking about the Bachelorette-known-you-for-8-months breakups. I mean the big ones. Heidi Klum and Seal, John Mellencamp and his wife Elaine, Shakira and Antonio de la Ru. People who had built long standing lives with each other. When it was announced that Gene Simmons and Shannon Tweed were separated, a friend and I sent messages back and forth to each other that there was no hope for love in this world if those two couldn't "make it".
But even more of a punch comes when it is closer to home. When it is someone who is a real person, but still slightly above the rest of us. Local well-knowns, bloggers that I have read for years. So, it was with a lot of sadness when I read last night that Dooce is the latest one hit with the baseball bat to the stomach that is separation/divorce. See, she is in that borderland between "everyday person" and "celebrity". She is famous to me, and many others, and yet, she is totally human at the same time. She is real in her posts, doesn't hide the gritty stuff, and celebrates the joyous. She is someone I can picture waving to or chatting with here and there if our kids went to the same school. I feel for her because I know how hard that bat hits, and how hard it is to pick yourself up when it keeps swinging. Having someone "like her" announce that now she is part of The Club brings it closer to home. The reality that no matter how awesome two people are, no matter how great their lives might seem, sometimes it just doesn't work.
It makes me scared to let myself fall in love again. Things are a little choppy between the Swede and I right now - between school, work, and time zones, it is hard to chat with each other some days, we have had a couple big hills to overcome lately, and we have some big things to talk about on the horizon. The reality of us is that one of us would need to plan to move to another country if we want to make a decent go of this - and until Agent M is 18 years old, moving out of country is probably not going to be an option for me. That leaves the ball in his court and the idea of asking someone to move across the world for something that might not work out terrifies me. I have a horrible habit of wanting to flee the relationship when things feel this serious, but, I have to say he is a trooper and he does not let me give up. I adore him for it. (I also slightly question his sanity, for putting up with such a nutty American girl...)
I think it is harder after you have been through the heart-wringer to trust that you can do it again. When you have ripped out your heart, or had it ripped out in a fit of rage, or had it quietly shattered, or just had the flame in it go out, it is hard to even want to pursue someone again. I have craved being part of a cute, happy family, but I am terrified to have another ten years end up in a mess of his-debt/her-debt and resentful words spoken behind backs. The small comfort I find is in the others who have been there and tried again, or who are figuring out how to pick up the pieces with me. Seeing that is not just me, that this can happen to anyone, is a reminder that there are things out of our control at times and love is anything but controlled in the first place. I know it is not just me who is hesitant, scared to let someone get that close again. I know that even with the bills paid, the house clean, and the kid well-fed, at the end of the day it comes down to the two people involved. And with that in mind, I just keep hoping that every time I get scared, The Swede will still be there to tell me I am being silly.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
It would have been our 8 year anniversary. Instead, it was the 1 year anniversary of when he filed the papers for our divorce, without my knowing. I was less than one month out of my shoulder surgery and in the process of moving down the street from one apartment complex to another, to an apartment that was twice the size for the same price. It was a whirlwind of a new year already, and I had no clue what else was coming my way.
I didn't know that in the coming weeks, Agent M and I would come home from running errands after school, and there would be a stack of papers sitting on our doorstep. I didn't know that it would hit me so hard that I gasped for air once I realized what the papers were, and I would continue to gasp like a fish as I told Agent M to unlock the door for us, and to go inside while I called Nana. He played upstairs in his room as I choked back unexpected sobs and begged my mum to come over. She only lived a mile away, not more than a 5 minute drive even if you get stuck each of the three stop lights between us, but I still swear if felt like she was there in 45 seconds. (Further proof that nothing will stop a mother when her daughter's barely healed heart is shattering all over again, and that nothing will stop a Nana when her grandson needs to be distracted from how sad the world can be at times.)
Even though it has been about 2 years since I left our home together, and more years than that that we did not considered ourselves a couple, this year hit a nerve. The Swede and I had been having a tough couple of days, and when I asked him, "Are we ok?", reading his typed reply of "Yes, we are ok.", just wasn't the same as getting a reassuring hug or kiss on the forehead. Valentine's candy and decor have been spring up at the store I work at, a reminder that I will be at school on V-Day evening, not having a night of movies and cuddling with The Swede (or even a night of Monopoly and cartoons with Agent M). Work had been busier than usual already that week, plus everyone was edgy after hearing about a former co-worker who took is own life at the start of the week, leaving behind a daughter and wife. I didn't know the man other than by name and a couple hello's, but it still had an impact on me. It made me think more than usual about where I am at, and where I want to be. I've been in that sad, lonely, dark place. Where you don't see things working out for the better. At that time, I was a stay-at-home mum, and had the house, the husband, the two cars, two cats, and happy kid. Now, I work as many hours as they'll give me to have the money to keep the car, have an apartment (not complaining, it's pretty nice) and my ex-husband would be perfectly happy to label me as The Bad Guy and never have anything to do with me again. But thankfully, the kid is still pretty happy. If I can lose so much and still keep my head up as I struggle each month, why couldn't he find his way out of that dark place? Those thoughts swirls in my head and jumbled with the what-ifs of "What If - I had stayed longer?" and "What If - I end up old and alone with no one to hold me on cold nights?" and on and on. I listened to love songs on the way home from work and wondered if anyone would ever fall in love with me again, and if I could ever let myself fall in love with someone again.
I was a pity party waiting to happen, really.
But, I made it though. When Agent M went to bed that night, I got a little teary for a moment...then went back to looking up costs of textbooks for this coming semester of class and watched an episode of NCIS before I fell asleep. It was a rough day, but I have had worse. A friend made me smile when I turned to him with pleas of "When I am old and alone, come take me to a movie once a month! Don't let me be a hermit old lady with a walker and no one to check in on me from time to time!". Agent M gave me big hugs that day, and I really do like our apartment, in some ways more than the house. And, lucky gal that I am, a couple days later I was sitting in a KFC with a friend who is another single mom who is juggling work and school to make a better life for her and her sons. She was treating me to lunch because she had gotten approved for a student loan and wanted to celebrate. As we joked about living it up on cheap chicken meals and talked about the men in our lives, I realized that those rough days make all the other days just that much more wonderful.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
This is my year to break down the walls. As a rule, I generally don't put much of myself out there to other people, unless it is on accident. But the last few months of letting in friends a little more has been wonderful. I know a great group of people who are each funny, talented, inspiring, and just make life a little bit more sunshiny when the clouds are closing in. I feel really lucky that they have drug me out of my little hermit shell a bit, and shown me that even though I have been burned in the past, there are people out there who are worth trusting.
Speaking my needs, but also holding my tongue and speaking with a purpose. This year I will continue to find my voice, but that doesn't mean I have to be a bitch about it. I will keep learning when to speak up and when to wait my words until I can see a bigger picture. When I say something, I will be sure it is what I mean, not just me being mouthy and snarky. But, when I feel snarky and mouthy, if I can't hold it in then I will find the right place and time for it to all come out - and then I will leave it. Let it all go. I will live live with more love and passion and not hold it all back out of fear.
This year will bring more time for long showers. And reading books. Painting my toe nails and putting on lotion. Doing floor exercises at home. These things make me happy. They are good for my mental and physical health, and it only snowballs into much worse when I neglect to tend to myself.
I am ready to refocus on the parent I want to be. When Agent M was young, the group of friends I hung out with referred to me as the "zen mama". I was a rock in a storm - be the storm people whose beliefs where against breastfeeding, doctors trying to force us to fully vaccinate Agent M, or simply just a small, pudgy little guy who was teething wildly. But for the past couple of years, it has been hard to find that permanence and hold true to what my parenting beliefs are. I get lazy and resort to "because I'm mum" more than I ever wanted. For the first three years of Agent M's life, I was a co-sleeping, breastfeeding, slightly-crunchy mum. I had wooden toys for him, kept our house free of chemicals, and we played with art supplies daily. I miss that and feel so far from it, those ideals of living a life that is filled with simple purpose and healthy living. This is my year to get back to that and find how it works with our life of superheros and zombies.
Studying will be something I plan out and work on continually, just like my body and getting an etsy shop going (no, really!). Every minute will have a purpose, and what I find to be useless in my life will go. My time will be spent on things that I love or the things that will bring me joy and happiness for Agent M and myself in the long run - this life is far too precious to just waste on being angry or doing things that are empty of purpose.
My patio, the river, and the parks are all close by and free. I will spend more time at them, even if it is just while crocheting or studying or walking. There is so much beauty in the world and being out in it is good for the soul. I want Agent M to learn this too, and what better way to teach him then by my example?
My divorce will wrap up this year, and I am confident that I will get what is right and fair out of it. I will take the hurt and the fears from my marriage and it's unraveling and I will acknowledge them as the past that they are. The major relationship I had after I left my husband hurt me more than any other and left me broken and defeated feeling. But they are done. I will put them in a place in my heart to remind me of how far I have come and how strong I can be. I will take those fears and scars and no longer let them hold me back or keep me from being the woman I want to be for the man that I want. I will take the wisdom that comes from the ashes of the pain and turn it into a love for the life I know I can make for myself and Agent M.
Happy New Year - here's to making it beautiful!