Tuesday, March 27, 2012


It's 3am, I have been awake since 12:30am.

I fell asleep with Agent M, and even though Wondertwin attempted to text and call me to make sure I got back up to go do homework (he knows my ritual of "make plans to do work after Agent M is in bed, snuggle with Agent M, we both fall asleep, no work gets done"), I was curled into a crescent moon shape with Agent M and asleep by 9pm. 

Agent M is a pro at slumber gymnastics, and I usually wake up to an arm being tossed across me or by him scooting and turning on the bed like a long-limbed puppy trying to curl into just the right spot. Which means, I am awake around midnight, and have had just enough sleep to make it difficult to fall back to sleep in my own bed.

(This once went on for a good 5 days and by the end of the week I had fallen into a routine of taking a 2.5 hours "nap" at his bedtime, then another 2 hour "nap" around 4am. When he went to his dad's, I stopped taking the first "nap" and would just be up until 4 am. After a few days of that, I was a wreck and couldn't keep my days straight.)

In twelve hours, I plan to be at the airport, parking, and getting ready to wait for my Swede to arrive. With everything that has been going on, I am a huge tangled paper-clip style mess of emotions. I am excited to see him, hands down. Nervous as to how the visit will go (3 weeks! So much possibility!) and trying to not hold expectations. A bit bummed because it appears a couple of my friends have formed "teams" (Team Swede vs. Team Wondertwin...yeah, there's a whole blog post in itself), so I probably won't be planning any parties while he is here after all (hello, awkward!). Really though, I am excited. He and I had a bit of a bump on Sunday, but it was partially due to my forgetting he was leaving for Stockholm the early on Monday, and the part I was having an issue with, he made a point of apologizing for and then followed through on his word the next day. So, we will see. 

With him coming, I have been trying to do extra house cleaning and really don't have much left - though it sure sounds like a lot when I start listing it off. Basically, I'm going to do a quick clean of the bathrooms, change the bedding (and fix something on my bed which broke), put away laundry, clean up the downstairs a bit, and do the dishes. Really, all that is left can get done in a few hour's time. Wondertwin is going to come over and help me with fixing the bed after I get my nails done, which is really the biggest beast. Lot's of girly pampering today also. I am using birthday money to get my nails done, will do my own pedicure later, and plan to take a nice warm shower and get all girly-fied before I go to the airport. I re-dyed my hair already (yay for magenta!), so that is thankfully one thing off today's to-do list!

Since I don't know how much blogging I will do while he is here, I'm going to end with a quick rundown of stuff and a promise that if anything, I will photo blog.

 - Midterm scored are in! Math midterm exam - 87/100, English Lit. midterm paper - 82/100, English Lit. midterm exam - 198/250. Not the best, but I am pretty happy with my scores.

- Agent M is on a "no one likes me" kick. I hate it and it breaks my heart. After talking to a friend who has been through something similar with her son, I am taking a different approach and hoping it will lift his spirits. Plus, lots of extra cuddling.  

- I'm older! My birthday was Sunday and I turned 29! Woke up that morning snuggled in my bed with Agent M next to me and Suki on my stomach, and listening to the rain drizzle outside. Minus the bump the Swede and I had that morning, it was a great day. I got caught up on my math homework, had homemade breakfast at my parent's house with them, Agent M and a friend, ran some errands, played with Agent M and put together a big telescope to look at stars, and then ended the night with Wondertwin taking me to see The Hunger Games. Totally was an awesome birthday.

- Did not finish my professional portfolio, but turned in what I had. I will be lucky if I get even 4 points out of the 15 possible...but freaking glad to had that off my back.

- Swede gets here tonight, I have a huge math exam tomorrow morning. First-world gripe, but it still is sucky timing for the exam.

- Wondertwin gave me a huge pack of ultra fine sharpies for my birthday. I had previously (as in months and months before my birthday) told him that if anyone ever knew me well enough to buy me a pack of ultra fine sharpies as a gift, I would most likely consider that person to be marrying material. Things like this have caused me to decide he is far to awesome to be real and must really be a unicorn in human form and that any future girlfriends he has must not only be fully aware of his awesomeness but they also must be worthy of it. The bar is pretty high ladies, I won't stand for my Wondertwin being with just anyone.

- Agent M told me the other day that he likes me 95% of the time, but his dad only 80% of the time. Sad, but it still made me smile a little.

- Agent M also has declared "ass" to no longer be a cuss word and put it in the "words you can say around mum but you don't say at school" category, like "badass", "hell", "damn", and "crap". Last week, I over heard him say to Wondertwin, "Dude! This game is hella fun!", but then also was told by his teacher how impressed she is with his wide range of vocabulary and that he is far above grade level in his use and understanding of it. For all of this, I am one proud mama. And probably never going get the Mom of the Year award. 

Going to attempt to get another hour or so of sleep before I had to get up to take Agent M to school!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

It's Already Tuesday

Oh, how the whirlwind has been keeping me dizzy.

Big-scary court date to settle my divorce tomorrow? Canceled and rescheduled for the middle of next month. My attorney has the flu.

I have to say, I am relieved. This gives me more time to gather the papers my ex is requesting (proof of income, mostly. For some reason, he seems to think I am rolling in the dough and hiding it from him.). Also, it will be after The Swede leaves, so I can put the icky divorce-"Why is The Ex still so pissed off at me?!"-feelings on the back burner until he is gone.

Which brings us to that. I am quite excited about him coming...but so nervous too. We have been having a rough go lately, and due to some financial snafus I've had in the last couple of weeks I don't have a penny to spare for the trips and concerts we had hoped to plan. On one hand, this visit will be realistic. This is life, this is the day to day that Agent M and I live, and except for the fact that I will be off work the entire time, this will be a decent example of what it would be like to live in my world. It's not fancy, it's not opulent, but it is full of love and we make the best of it. On the other hand though, we have not been within arms reach of each other for six months, he's flying halfway around the world to come see me, and I'm terrified that he will end up bored and regretting the trip now that we might not make it to Tahoe, the coast, and a handful of live shows. I'm just hoping I can beg, borrow, and scrape up enough money to still take him out for his birthday, at the absolute least. (What is sad is that I just looked over my past blog posts for something, and saw that I said nearly the same thing a few weeks ago. Ugh.)

I think the biggest problem is that I feel like I have to show off and be my best when the Swede is here. I see him  in such a condensed amount of time, I want to make that great impression. Sure, we chat online often, and talk on the phone here and there, and try to webcam at least once a week. But it is still not the same as being in person. He knows that I prefer skirts and like snuggling while watching movies and shows. But now he is going to be thrown in my loop of waking up late and tossing on which ever semi-clean jeans I can find before class, and coming home to cat puke on the carpet. Agent M has his rough days, I tend to let the dishes pile up during the week, and sometimes I just don't feel like doing more than pigtails with my hair. My insecurities are running rampant - will he still think I am adorable when I have no makeup on? Will he find it boring when Agent M is home and just wants to play board games? When my homework frustrates me, will he think I am slow? Will he be horrified if I fart in my sleep? Will his lack of help in the kitchen drive me crazy and make me annoyed with doing all the cooking? Will my chattiness and his quiet nature clash or continue to compliment each other? Will this three weeks be enough to keep us going?

Basically, if he and I were on the same dirt on a regular basis, and really had the time to get to know each other in all the little ways that you get to know a person simply by spending time with them, would he and I still be a couple?

/boyfriend worries rant.

With court not happening tomorrow, I will get to go to my classes. Which means, I need to get my bum in gear and finish a project that is due tomorrow and a project that was due last week. Even though the workload is kicking my bum and I have had a hard time staying on track, I really enjoy my classes. I could listen to my English Lit. professor for hours, and love the insight my Early Childhood Education professor provides. My Math professor is quirky and scattered but has silly little stories and funny ways to explain things, and class is always interesting at least. I ended up dropping my online class, it just wasn't a format I could get used to and I was seriously behind. Luckily, I discovered the day after dropping it that I didn't need to be taking it after all - a class I took last semester fulfills the same section for my general education requirements. I finished filling out my educational plan (part of one of the projects I should be working on) and figured out a path for the next two years. It is going to be rough, with four classes a semester in the Spring and Fall semesters, plus one class each Summer. But if it all works out as I hope, I could be well on my way towards a Master Teacher Certificate, have all of my general education classes covered, and able to fully focus and work towards my Sociology degree. Whew!

On that note, this post is a bit boring and I need to get back to the projects. My next seven days are like this:

  • Tomorrow - Classes, clean, clean more, another class. Return library books. Wonder Twin is coming over to "do homework" but I am really going to make him help me clean. Eventually sleep.
  • Thursday - School observation appointment (big project for ECE, 2 hours of sitting in a room and taking down every detail I can about it's layout and how the teachers use the room), home to clean, hang with Agent M when he gets out of school, clean more once his dad picks him up. Take donations to the thrift store near my house. Try to lure over a friend to help with more cleaning. Eventually sleep.
  • Friday - Finish as much cleaning as possible. Bubble bath. Spend time getting prettied up. Pick up Agent M from school. Go to my parent's house for my birthday party. Possibly go to a concert with Wonder Twin depending on when/if the birthday party ends before Saturday. 
  • Saturday - Work. Try not to drive Agent M crazy and see if he will fall for my ploy of "Let's play in your room" and then cleaning it up. 
  • Sunday - No clue. Might be working, might not. It is my birthday, so I am hoping for not.
  • Monday - Classes, whatever homework and cleaning I have left, then pick up Agent M from school, Drop off Agent M to my parents. Class. Home to snuggle Agent M and try to sleep.
  • Tuesday - The Day. Finish whatever needs finishing. Bubble bath and get myself prettied up. Pick up Agent M from school, go to my parent's for a light dinner, leave Agent M there while I go to the airport. Try to remain calm and read a book or play games on my phone. See the Swede and probably will lose my cool and grin like an idiot the whole way home. 
Ok. There. Procrastinated enough. Back to homework.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Would you rather stay or go?

This is an option I will not have for the next 10 years. 

For the next decade, no matter where I want to live, where I want to go to school, who I fall in love with, where is the best opportunity for me to be the best I can be for myself and Agent M...

...I would basically have to get permission to move from someone who absolutely hates me.

(Agent M's dad)

I want to live by the ocean, I want to go to a "real" college one day, I am in love with a man who lives on the other side of the world, and I sometimes wonder if moving to a new city and having a new start would be the best for us.

But going is not in the cards for me and as the days tick off closer and closer to my upcoming 29th birthday and closer to my court day for the divorce this upcoming Wednesday, that fact is setting in more and more. 

At this point, the path ahead is looking awfully foggy, and this is not the life I had planned for, and I am really not sure where the path is going to lead.

With the events of the last few weeks, part of me is finding it hard to not just give up. 

When I was younger, before I had Agent M, I tried to kill myself three times. 

I was frustrated. I felt stuck. Everything in me wanted to just call it quits. I felt like I had no one and that even if I was missed, it really would not be that bad for the people I would leave behind, because I felt like I didn't have that much influence on their lives anyways.


I am glad I failed each time.

If I had not failed, I never would have gotten to feel just how big my heart can love. 

I never would have known that I have it in me to fight three years of severe depression, without medication and without much support.

I never would have met the people who made me realize I am worth a phone call, I am worth their time, and I never would have realized just how much my parents love me. 

Most of all, I never would have met the one person whom I love and adore over everyone else. 

And without him in my life, I would never have become the person I am today. 

I cry so much lately, and I am scared beyond words about how court will go this upcoming week. 

To put it simply - Agent M's dad is still trying to paint me as a mother that can not provide for her son. He is also requesting that I waive my rights to things I am entitled to and pay him a sum that is almost equal to the amount of money I made last year. 

With this looming ahead, and knowing that until Agent M is eighteen I will be at the mercy of co-parenting with a person who has so much bitterness and dislike towards me... much of me wants to just go.

But, I know that without a doubt, I will never, ever give up again. 

No matter what happens, I will always stay and fight. 

Because even at the end of a long day, there is someone who thinks I am worth it and always wants me to snuggle with him at bedtime. 

I will always stay because I want him grow up always knowing that he is worth everything to me.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Nothin' but the Truth

Would you rather always know the truth or remain blissfully ignorant sometimes?

Easy, peasy. Always know the truth. Even if it hurts and aches and makes me cry. 

I have been lied to by friends and partners so many times, and the truth has always come out in one way of another. It freakin' hurts to be lied to or to have someone hiding something from you, there's no way around it. Sugar-coating just makes it worse, and no matter how much time goes by, in the end it still sucks to know that someone lied.

But what about the non-lies? The simple acts of not lying, but not being completely honest either? Those are what have made me into the commitment-phobe, anti-trusting monkey that I am today. When someone lies to you with silence, not even bothering to spin a story web for you to untangle. Too many of those are what make me question every unanswered text and spin my own story webs for each night the Swede goes out drinking and partying. 

If I knew that I would always know the truth, I'd be more at ease. I would not spend hours wondering what people think or what someone is really feeling. I would not question motives and actions. I'd be genuinely happier knowing that I was not being made a fool.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Can't Keep Letting it Get You Down

Having my midterm project and midterm paper sneak up on me has made me into a stressed out, constantly queasy, over tired mess.

Added to the mess is that for the last couple weeks, I have been hearing Agent M tell me how he hates his dad and how "stupid" (his word, not mine) his dad is. What makes it more annoying to me is that the causes are all little, correctable things. They are things that, to me, seem like basic parenting. It is hard enough to not get frustrated when The Ex treats me in a way that I would never treat him, and to let go of how I would "expect" him to act. But when he does things (or not does things) that cause Agent M to yell for 10 mins "I hate my dad!" over and over...well, it sucks.

Yesterday's event was caused by something that meant a lot to Agent M, that I had specifically asked his dad about, and yet, Agent M has possibly missed out on something because his dad did not take the time to check the date of something. Any guesses?

We missed a book order.

Minor right? Not the end of the world by any means. But, this is not the first time that I have asked his dad to make sure I get the book order form so that I can order something for Agent M. Actually, his dad had the book order form since last Friday, did not tell me, and when Agent M told me about it early in the week, I specifically asked his dad when the due date was since I wanted to order a book or two for Agent M. His reply was just that he did not know off the top of his head. So I asked if he would at least send the order form with Agent M when he came to my house on Friday. Which he did. Even though it says across the top in bold, black lettering: "DUE 3/9/12"

Skipping Agent M for a moment, here is where my expectations come in:

  • When I have gotten the book order forms, I have let his dad know. I have told him the due date, asked if he wants to look over the form, etc. He never has. I expect him to do the same for me, so that I can be as involved as possible and have the chance to get something for Agent M, who loves getting book orders. 
  • I expected him to check the due date when I asked, not just say "I don't know" and then blow it off as not important enough to check. 
  • I expected him to give a rip that I would want to do something for Agent M and meet me halfway on it by getting the info to me when asked, or just by letting me know ASAP.
  • I expect that he would have noticed the due date when putting the order form into Agent M's backpack (The Ex was the one to take it out and put it back in, Agent M said), and even if it was Friday morning when he noticed, I would have expected him to send me a quick text or phone call to say, "Hey, my bad. It is due today, then if you want to go drop off a check and fill it out before you go to work, you can."
Basically, I expect him to do for me what I would do for him. And that is my big mistake in all of this divorce/ co-parenting attempts. I simply can not expect anything from him - good nor bad. (I also have been told that I can not do all of those things for him that I would expect in return - but I always do what I can to encourage him to be a better parent for Agent M, so that's a harder habit to break.) When I have these expectations, I know that chances are, I will be let down. I will get frustrated. I will wonder why he does things in such a way. And I work hard to just let it all go.

And this is where Agent M comes right back into focus.

"I hate my dad! He always is messing things up for me! He never turns stuff in on time!"

What the hell do you do when your heart and joy is so upset by something completely out of your control, so minor to have prevented, and it has pissed you off also? 

I breathed. I let him rant and wail a little while I mentally did the same. And then, I calmed myself down as much as I could, and chose my words carefully. I told Agent M that I was really sad also. I told him I felt it was unfair also. I told him it was not worth hating someone for it though, and he was better than to waste his energy on hatred. We talked about possible ways to keep it from happening again. We talked about Agent M being the one to make sure the book order is given to me, a position I do not like to put him in but he said he doesn't want to give it to his dad from now on. I told him I was talk to his dad and see if there was a better system that we could work out to keep this from happening over and over. And when asked why does his dad do this type of stuff, I was honest and told him I just don't know. And I told him that I would talk to his teacher on Monday and see if there is any way that I can still get an order in. Because I might not be able to control or prevent what happens on his dad's end of things, but I can control what I do. I can do what I can for Agent M, especially if it will show him that I pay attention to what matters to him. And even though a book order is minor in the big picture, it mattered to him. 

Friday, March 9, 2012

Counting Weeks

It seems like I don't live my life day to day. It is ruled and managed by weeks. Usually there is only the scheduling of who's house Agent M is at, as I plan things in "every other week" time slots, since he goes to his dad's house for a week, then our house for a week. But the passages of time have become even more glaringly apparent in the last few weeks, as due dates for midterm papers and projects and the Swede's arrival have all marched closer and closer.

School is flying by, leaving me to wonder at times if I am retaining enough. I have a small calendar that I keep in my binder that has the due dates for projects and papers, the dates for all of Agent M's field trips until the end of  his school year, and the dates and times of each of my classes, among other bits and bobs. Unfortunately, having such a well planned out calendar did not prevent me from thinking I had one more week to finish the Midterm Project I have due on Monday, and the Midterm Paper and Exam that are on Wednesday. With that one realization, I went from feeling confident in how I was managing my classes to feeling massively overwhelmed and behind.

As for the Swede - it has been about six months since we last saw each other face to face, but in less than three weeks I will be picking his up from the airport for an almost-three-week long visit. My feelings on his visit have become so muddled and mixed. I am anxious, excited, nervous, and hoping I can get the house cleaned up more before he gets here. Oddly enough I am also a bit sad about it. He and Wonder Twin (best guy friend, not mentioned here before, I don't think...) are a bit like oil and water at this point which means that during the Swede's visit, I will not see Wonder Twin. It might not sound like a big deal, but this is someone I am used to seeing 3 to 5 times a week. Also, with money being so tight still, I am unsure what to plan while he visits and am a bit worried that he will be bored or, worse, that we will not have the means to buy food for the meals I want to make and go to the places we have talked about going to. In general, I am excited to see him and miss him so, but what if he gets here and I am a disappointment?

I have more I want to say, but as it is I am falling asleep while typing and have to be up, dressed, and leaving for work in 7 hours. I will definitely revisit this topic later.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Let's Give NaBloPoMo a Second Chance

After not following along well with the November NaBloPoMo, and deciding that I really didn't like the confines of a post-to-a-prompt-a-day schedule, you would probably not expect me to commit to another "Blog-along".

And that is exactly why I am saying "Hello!" to the March NaBloPoMo from BlogHer

I am going to push myself to stick to the commitment, push myself to find words when prompts leave me frustrated, and use this as a re-commitment to myself as a writer. 

The theme is "Whether", as March is a month of transition. Winter to Spring. A rebirth after a quiet or storm. To me, March is a pivotal month for reflections and looking forward. My birthday is on the 25th, giving me almost the whole month to consider both my past year and the year ahead of me, before I get to celebrate the beginning of my next year. 

Of course, it was a decision "whether" or not to join NaBloPoMo. I am still taking four classes, still working part-time, and the end of my divorce is creeping it's way closer and closer. Agent M has been having a few rough weeks, ones that have included lots of tears and lots of snuggling. The Swede is going to be back for a three week visit soon, and I have a lot of things (both at home and with school work) that I'd like to wrap up before he gets here. Simply put - I have a lot of plates I add another plate (daily blogging)? 

Well, you only live once, right? I want to prove to myself that I have that kind of focus in me. I want to be a better writer and make this blog into something bigger. Here's to making the first shift towards my goals.