Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Silly, Silly Girlface.

I am an unpartnered mum, a college student, a 28-year-old woman, a soon-to-be-divorced former housewife, a daughter, an aunt, a cousin, and a friend. I have plates to keep spinning and a full life to keep maintained.

I am also a very, very silly girl. 

When I am thinking - no more want for something, no more hopes for something, focus on school, focus on work, focus on your health, focus on yourself...

Something unexpected comes up and says - are you sure? Is that all you really want? Because, there is this...

And even though I know the reality of things, the logistics, and there is a part of me saying "No, it could never, ever be true. It never turns out true, it is not what you think." there is a bigger part of me saying "Please let it be true, even in all it's foolishness. Please, let it be. I want this, please let this be for me too."

I deny it, even though it is plain as sunshine and can be seen by anyone. No, it is ridiculous. No, there's no logic to it.

Then something echoes back, says it is true. Says it is the same as what my inner most self  is hoping. Says the same hopes are out there, the same hopes about me. 

And I feel like a silly, silly girl. For blushing, and grinning, and wanting so badly just to be near that something. 

It's foolish, it's ridiculous, there is no logic to it. But it is sweet as blood oranges, and quiet, and very much there.

This is something I didn't think I had in me and thought I did not want in me. It scares me, because feeling like this is an opening to get hurt. And that fear, that hope, all mixed together, makes me feel all the more silly. 

Miles and miles of feeling silly. 

And I will keep feeling silly, even when I am told that it is cute. I will keep spinning my plates, more focused, more determined. With this little something, tucked quietly away, all my own to quietly smile at. 

Because even if it is silly, it makes me smile and shows me there is more. More hope than hurt, more gentleness than tears. And life is never, ever as expected.

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