Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Trying. ***UPDATED AT THE END***

I do my best to be a positive person, and to look for the good or the lesson in all parts of my life.

But some days are harder than others.

When I wake up feeling sick, head pounding like an internal warning system. I need to exercise more. My hypoglycemia is worse when I weigh as much as I do. Each day I don't exercise is a day I get closer to becoming diabetic. And the fact that I can't eat half a cup of ice cream after dinner without getting massively sick and a headache that lasts until the next morning is proof of that.

I am fortunate to have a car today, borrowed from a friend. I ran two much needed errands before Agent M got out of school, then picked him up. We both love the days that we don't have to walk. Having the car meant I had a chance to go do our laundry at the laundromat. The dirtys now filled two hampers and half of a trash bag, and the pickings were getting slim when it came to getting myself dressed in the morning. Needless to say, I needed to go do it while I had the chance. But it was at the cost of playing all afternoon with Agent M. Instead, Agent M sat in a plastic lawn chair, watching a talk show while I sorted and shoved clothes in washers. I sat with him and rubbed his back as we waited for the washers to get done and he worked on homework. And my heart broke a little when I was folding clothes and he told me he wanted me to just sit down so he could put his head in my lap and be with me.

It broke even more when The Ex got there and picked him up. Our custody agreement is now in effect. The Ex and I each have a week with Agent M, and during The Exs week, I still pick up Agent M from school and have him until The Ex gets off of work and comes to get him. I'm glad to still have what time I have with Agent M, but spending my nights alone during the week is something that I am not used to it yet. No bedtime stories  from us during "Daddy weeks", no snuggling until we both doze off. It's hitting me hard. My mommy-guilt wound of Agent M having two homes was just beginning to scab over, and this feels like that scab was ripped off.

I have an event to be at in little more than half an hour. I am terrified. I will be totally out of my element and will know only one other person there (the instructor of one of my classes). I will be surrounded by journalists and professional writers (at least, those are whom I am imagining I will be surrounded by). I just have a tiny little blog and still get excited when I get two or three hits a day. I'm just some punky mum that's winging it at best - I even had to borrow a "nice" outfit from a friend for the evening because I don't own "grown-up" clothes.

I'm tired of being broke. I'm tired of not having a car of my own to drive. I'm tired of feeling tired because my eating habits are horrid lately. I am tired of not having textbooks and getting behind because I haven't read the work. I am tired of not being able to get errands done or go to the gym because I don't have a way to get there and I feel horrible asking for rides all the time. I'm tired of having to explain to debt collectors and my insurance company over and over again that I am behind because getting injured at work and the snowball effect that it had on my life has cost me $500+ per month.

And most of all, I am tired of feeling less-than because I am so damn embarrassed by the position I am in.

I was the one who left my marriage. I am the one who decided to go back to school, to make things "better". I am the one who got hurt at work, who couldn't keep up on the bills, who let the laundry pile up instead of scrapping together the change and doing it little by little at our complex. All of my frustrations have been brought on, indirectly and otherwise, by my actions.

That's a hard thought to stay positive about.

I am trying to believe that there is a bigger picture than this, a picture that is beautiful and happy. I know I am a little fish in a big ocean, and the ocean has so much to offer. Some days it's harder to swim, and some days the water is too cold. Or shark infested. I just have to keep reminding myself that there are lots of other little fish too. Little fish and big fish who love me and support me. And when all else falls, there are even currents to carry me through.

Of course, my frustration leads to motivation. Tomorrow, there will be no errand running. There will be chess games, and Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons. And it will be better, and so will my attitude. Even after typing all of this out, I feel a little better already.

****************EDITED TO ADD*******************

After the event, I got a text from The Ex. Agent M has a fever and won't be going to school tomorrow. Again, it's The Exs week, so he is taking the day off probably and will stay home with Agent M. Which is good, and I am happy that he is being so involved. But now I feel even worse about spending the time on the laundry today. And worse about not being able to snuggle and fret over Agent M tomorrow (I am a big time sucker when Agent M is sick - if he asked me for peeled grapes, I would oblige.). This new custody arrangement is really going to take some getting used to.

No comments:

Post a Comment