Sunday, March 13, 2011

Sticking to your guns and hating yourself for it.

What do you do when you have a close friend who wants nothing more than to take your hand in theirs, promising to be there for you forever, if you just say the words?

What do you do when you and that friend have a two year history of trying to make things work out, a limbo of more-than-friends-but-less-than-partners? Two years of intense love, attraction, a connection deeper than any other -the type of connection where when you have a headache, the friend calls and asks if you are feeling okay. Not just once, but every time.

What do you do when you both are going through divorces? Messy, painful divorces. The kind that you need to recover from, learn from, and grow from. And over the two years you have known this friend, there have been so many arguments over and over about the same stupid things, and after leaving a marriage that had many arguments over 7 years, often over and over about the same stupid things, you just don't want to argue anymore.

What do you do when that friend doesn't understand that you need time to grow on your own? Time to figure out yourself, not yourself-as-a-partner. That you want to have lonely nights to yourself, if only to know that you can over come the loneliness and embrace being alone.

What do you do when you tell that friend - our foundation is cracked, our friendship is sinking, please just be my friend and let us patch up our love with trust before we decide if there is even a true, solid chance of us being more...

...and they tell you no?

What do you do when they try ultimatums, throw accusations in your face, blame you, blame them self, blame others, blame blame itself? When they misunderstand and take it to mean that the history between you both is all a lie, that you never cared as much as you said you did, that the connection really was not there.

What do you do when they say so many hurtful, twisted are faced with the realization that they did not want to be your friend, they wanted to possess you? That for them, love is different. Friendship is different. Your cultures are different.

What do you do when you stand up for what your heart feels, and instead of standing with you, your friend turns their back, angrily, bitterly slamming the door as they leave from your life?

What do you do when the friend you love so very much, is no longer your friend?


You cry. You throw the past and all their accusations back at them. You stop being immature and stop throwing the past at them. You pray to God for answers, for strength. You hate yourself for what you feel, you hate the circumstances, you hate the timing. You scream, you wish cell phones could be slammed instead of simply hung up by button-click. You cry more. You try to understand, you give up trying to understand. You wish you had never seen their face, never let someone get that close. You worry that no one will ever be that close again.

You lay on the floor and sob.

Then, you pick yourself up. You try not to think of it as a failed relationship, but as proof that there is love out there for you. That you are worth love and will be even more worth it once you heal, once you grow. And you learn from the friend who is no longer a friend. And you stick to your guns. Some days, you still hate yourself for it. But you still stick to it. You still listen to your heart, listen to your gut. And you know deep down, that you will always love them, you will miss them. But no one is worth loving at the expense of oneself.


  1. No they are not. A very hard lesson, but at least you learned it fairly early in life. (((HUGS)))

  2. It sounds like you are well on your way to finding yourself. You have explored the dark and found light.....bravo!