Thursday, March 15, 2012

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Would you rather stay or go?

This is an option I will not have for the next 10 years. 

For the next decade, no matter where I want to live, where I want to go to school, who I fall in love with, where is the best opportunity for me to be the best I can be for myself and Agent M...

...I would basically have to get permission to move from someone who absolutely hates me.

(Agent M's dad)

I want to live by the ocean, I want to go to a "real" college one day, I am in love with a man who lives on the other side of the world, and I sometimes wonder if moving to a new city and having a new start would be the best for us.

But going is not in the cards for me and as the days tick off closer and closer to my upcoming 29th birthday and closer to my court day for the divorce this upcoming Wednesday, that fact is setting in more and more. 

At this point, the path ahead is looking awfully foggy, and this is not the life I had planned for, and I am really not sure where the path is going to lead.

With the events of the last few weeks, part of me is finding it hard to not just give up. 

When I was younger, before I had Agent M, I tried to kill myself three times. 

I was frustrated. I felt stuck. Everything in me wanted to just call it quits. I felt like I had no one and that even if I was missed, it really would not be that bad for the people I would leave behind, because I felt like I didn't have that much influence on their lives anyways.


I am glad I failed each time.

If I had not failed, I never would have gotten to feel just how big my heart can love. 

I never would have known that I have it in me to fight three years of severe depression, without medication and without much support.

I never would have met the people who made me realize I am worth a phone call, I am worth their time, and I never would have realized just how much my parents love me. 

Most of all, I never would have met the one person whom I love and adore over everyone else. 

And without him in my life, I would never have become the person I am today. 

I cry so much lately, and I am scared beyond words about how court will go this upcoming week. 

To put it simply - Agent M's dad is still trying to paint me as a mother that can not provide for her son. He is also requesting that I waive my rights to things I am entitled to and pay him a sum that is almost equal to the amount of money I made last year. 

With this looming ahead, and knowing that until Agent M is eighteen I will be at the mercy of co-parenting with a person who has so much bitterness and dislike towards me... much of me wants to just go.

But, I know that without a doubt, I will never, ever give up again. 

No matter what happens, I will always stay and fight. 

Because even at the end of a long day, there is someone who thinks I am worth it and always wants me to snuggle with him at bedtime. 

I will always stay because I want him grow up always knowing that he is worth everything to me.

1 comment:

  1. This really touched a nerve with me. I'm hurting for you and I want you to know how much I care. I've been there, I've been in the throes of depression, and I am so glad that you (and I) survived it.

    Call me or email me. I mean it. If you want coffee, or want to talk, or want to let our kids wear each other out. I miss you, friend.