Sunday, January 1, 2012

Happy New Year!

Thank God for the figurative end of a another year. I am so ready to be done with those chapters and move into the next book of the series.

This is my year to break down the walls. As a rule, I generally don't put much of myself out there to other people, unless it is on accident. But the last few months of letting in friends a little more has been wonderful. I know a great group of people who are each funny, talented, inspiring, and just make life a little bit more sunshiny when the clouds are closing in. I feel really lucky that they have drug me out of my little hermit shell a bit, and shown me that even though I have been burned in the past, there are people out there who are worth trusting.

Speaking my needs, but also holding my tongue and speaking with a purpose. This year I will continue to find my voice, but that doesn't mean I have to be a bitch about it. I will keep learning when to speak up and when to wait my words until I can see a bigger picture. When I say something, I will be sure it is what I mean, not just me being mouthy and snarky. But, when I feel snarky and mouthy, if I can't hold it in then I will find the right place and time for it to all come out - and then I will leave it. Let it all go. I will live live with more love and passion and not hold it all back out of fear.

This year will bring more time for long showers. And reading books. Painting my toe nails and putting on lotion. Doing floor exercises at home. These things make me happy. They are good for my mental and physical health, and it only snowballs into much worse when I neglect to tend to myself.

I am ready to refocus on the parent I want to be. When Agent M was young, the group of friends I hung out with referred to me as the "zen mama". I was a rock in a storm - be the storm people whose beliefs where against breastfeeding, doctors trying to force us to fully vaccinate Agent M, or simply just a small, pudgy little guy who was teething wildly. But for the past couple of years, it has been hard to find that permanence and hold true to what my parenting beliefs are. I get lazy and resort to "because I'm mum" more than I ever wanted. For the first three years of Agent M's life, I was a co-sleeping, breastfeeding, slightly-crunchy mum. I had wooden toys for him, kept our house free of chemicals, and we played with art supplies daily. I miss that and feel so far from it, those ideals of living a life that is filled with simple purpose and healthy living. This is my year to get back to that and find how it works with our life of superheros and zombies.

Studying will be something I plan out and work on continually, just like my body and getting an etsy shop going (no, really!). Every minute will have a purpose, and what I find to be useless in my life will go. My time will be spent on things that I love or the things that will bring me joy and happiness for Agent M and myself in the long run - this life is far too precious to just waste on being angry or doing things that are empty of purpose.

My patio, the river, and the parks are all close by and free. I will spend more time at them, even if it is just while crocheting or studying or walking. There is so much beauty in the world and being out in it is good for the soul. I want Agent M to learn this too, and what better way to teach him then by my example?

My divorce will wrap up this year, and I am confident that I will get what is right and fair out of it. I will take the hurt and the fears from my marriage and it's unraveling and I will acknowledge them as the past that they are. The major relationship I had after I left my husband hurt me more than any other and left me broken and defeated feeling. But they are done. I will put them in a place in my heart to remind me of how far I have come and how strong I can be. I will take those fears and scars and no longer let them hold me back or keep me from being the woman I want to be for the man that I want. I will take the wisdom that comes from the ashes of the pain and turn it into a love for the life I know I can make for myself and Agent M.

Happy New Year - here's to making it beautiful!

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