Day 11 - A picture of something I hate.
Hate is such a strong word. Growing up, I was taught that it was right up there with other "words you just don't say", such as The Word That Starts With F and Sounds Like Duck. (though, I will admit, I do say it quite a bit when Agent M is not home). The "H-word" is reserved for only the most disliked of disliked, passionately disgusting of things.
For me, that is lying. Specifically, being lied to in a type of deception to hide something from me or to make me think something that is not.
I will admit it to anyone - I am not a trusting person. It takes a lot of personal work for me to open myself up and truly believe what someone is telling me. It can be a coworker, a classmate, someone I have known for years, or someone I have only met a month ago. The fact always remains - in the back of my mind, I will not fully trust them at some point. I have had people go back on their word, twist the truth, and flat out say untruths about me. At this point, trust is hard earned from me, and I can count on one hand the people I can honestly say I would confidently trust and truly believe when they compliment me or believe that they don't hold a hidden motive.
This makes personal relationships difficult for me, even the minor ones of making friends. I second guess people's actions, wonder if they really mean what they say, and have a hard time believing what they say they will do. But the worst part of this lack of faith, is that I know the root of it lies in me. Because I have been hurt, I don't trust so that I can build up a wall, keep people at arm's length, and not let people close enough to risk being hurt again. For example, when I started the job I have now, I didn't talk to coworkers, I ate lunch with my headphones on, and I would only interact in a friendly way with customers. Eventually, a couple coworkers who saw a glimmer of more to me than I was letting out, cornered me and asked me what the deal was. I told them the truth - my previous job had gone sour when a coworker began to feed lies to my boss about my personal life. Lies that were twisted and made me out to be someone I wasn't. I had considered the coworker and the boss to be my friends. Besides losing the friendships and my faith in making friends at work, I also ended up losing the job eventually, under the guise of a "layoff because of the recession" (and that is not just me being untrusting of the reason I was let go - I was actually told that it was just a guise, something to put on resumes). Now, at this new job, why bother risk it happening to me again? Luckily, the people who cornered me understood and saw it for what it was - fear. Fear of being hurt, fear of having my trust abused. They "got it" and took the time to let me get to know them, and to get to know me. And while those coworkers have gone on to other jobs and I no longer talk to them, in a lot of ways they were the first to chip away at the wall I had built up, and they were the ones that helped me relearn that when someone lies, it's not my fault.
With Agent M, I am strict on the "no lying" rule. Often, I have told him I would be unhappy with him doing something wrong, but that I will be more hurt and upset if he lies about it. Though rare, he has actually gotten more in trouble with me over lying to cover something than for the actual fact. I hid things often as a kid and teen, and even young(er) adult, and it never payed off. It cost me trust from others, caused headaches, and even when the truth was difficult it was always better in the long run to just be honest. It took me years to really learn that, and I hope I can spare Agent M (and myself) the same frustrations as he grows up.
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