Saturday, February 5, 2011

My head hurts.

Lately, I've felt the need to be quiet. Not that there's nothing to say, just there there are no answers for the questions I have clustered up inside. In the same day that I had gotten wonderful news, I also felt what has so far been the most crushing blow to my confidence.

There's so much I want to write. But also so much that I want to hold back. Quiet. Private.

But what good is a writer who does not write? What better meditation than to release the words that choke your every thought?

So, as painful as it is, I have decided to write about it.


One of my biggest fears is now an Elephant that follows me everywhere. I wake up to it's trumpeting and go to bed knowing it will still be there tomorrow. It's a Count Down Clock to the unknown, ticking seconds off in my head when I'm alone in the house. A constant tapping on my heart, keeping me conscious that every beat is another moment closer to The Day.

The Day.

 The Day that makes a lump form in my throat. The Day that makes the back of my neck hurt and my eyes tear up.

The Day that I will go to court ordered mediation to determine the custody of Agent M.

(even typing that is difficult)

After hours of labor, when I first got to really see Agent M's face and said, "Well, there you are!" when he was barely moments old, I never would have guessed that one day I would have to go to court to prove my dedication as his mother. To prove that I hold his best interests above all else.

How does one prove unconditional love?

Will my hours spent working until late into the night be seen as a way to provide better for him? Or will my lack of professional career skills be seen as something that is holding him back? Will I be seen as Agent M's mama who volunteered more than weekly in his kindergarten class, who has taught him to sing "Henry the Eighth, I Am", and who tells him special made up stories each night at bedtime? Or will they just look at my often empty bank account, the bills I juggle to pay, and my being on disability leave and say I can't provide for him?

I have been stuck inside my own head on these quiet nights and weekends. Mentally going over each day and action and wondering what all parents wonder: Have I done enough? Have I been enough?

My heart knows what those closest to me have echoed - I am a good mom, my love is obvious in every way. But to have to prove it, and knowing that some unknown stranger could tell me that I am not enough because I don't make enough money or who knows what reason...

All I can do is just make it through these next days and prepare. Tame the Elephant so that when The Day comes, I will be proudly riding on it's back, head held high and ready to defend what I feel is right and best for Agent M.

1 comment:

  1. WOW! How incredibly powerful and moving. I am choked up as I read the words that you have so painfully and thoughtfully put to paper. As a mother I identify with your dilemma knowing how my fear would be overwhelming at times. As a grandmother I am beside myself thinking of my own daughter and how her heart would be on the verge of breaking under the same circumstances. Please remember, you can only be expected do your best with what you have. If you give your best, it will be enough. Your son loves you, and you, him. He knows it & you know it as well. The fact that you give him your time means more than any multitude of "things" that can be bought. The time you spend with him shapes and molds his can't buy that. Any adult will tell you that the fondest memories of childhood are of "time" spent with their parents. Giving time is what is lasting, what will remain in a wonderful memory. You just keep on giving your time as you have and in doing so, know that the elephant will be trumpeting your victory!