Saturday, May 14, 2011

Happy Birthday Agent M!

Today's the day - in about two and a half hours, seven years ago, I finally got to look at Agent M's face and said, "Well, there you are!".

Every year for the last seven years, I have given him big kisses and hugs on this day. The day he starts another year around the sun, and I start another year of being the mum I hope to be. Every year, I have celebrated this day, and marveled at how much he's grown, his interests, the way my heart grows with each of his smiles, each achievement.

But, this year is uncharted territory for me. This year, he is with his dad. I don't know if he is having a party, I don't know if he is smiling and laughing. I can hope for all of it, and I am sure his dad is doing something to celebrate. But I am not there, he is not here. A two-minute and forty-six second phone call is all we got to share today.

To say that today is hard for me is like saying the ocean has some water in it. I keep trying to focus myself on other things, such as homework, emails, getting dressed so I can go run errands. I tell myself over and over that he is probably having a great time today, and that next weekend we will be on a family trip together. I think of yesterday, when we went to The Hamburger Farm, and how much fun we had as he got to pet a cow and grind wheat. But, the tears keep coming. My eyes are puffy and my head hurts.

There is no denying that in the last year, we have gone through so many changes. Last year, his dad and I still had a joint party, and it was successful, probably partially because it was big enough for us to not have to interact with each other. This year, when the subject of a joint party came up, I was the one to say i did not think it would be a good idea. Too much hurt, too much frustration in the last year, and I just didn't think we would be able to split a party 50/50 and be civil to each other the whole time. In this way, not seeing Agent M was my choice. Because I did not want to risk him seeing his parents clash on his birthday.

I don't know where this post is going, or where I meant to take it. Today is a difficult day, but like all the other difficult days, I know good days will follow and I have a lot of love and support. When these rain clouds come, my friends and family are here to open umbrellas for me when mine has turned inside out. This is just another bit of being a single mum that I knew to expect, but never could have imagined the impact.

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