Downer

Too often I start posts on here, and end up letting myself get pulled away to other things. I need to work on that.

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I have tried to keep a line on this blog, one that is not to be crossed. The thin line between sharing my thoughts and life, and keeping a bit of it to myself, keeping the specifics muted to the point of being vague.

But, damnit. Tonight, I am sad.

Tomorrow is Agent M's picture day at school. The Ex and I talked briefly about it and he decided to not order photos, only I am. But it is a "Dad" week, so even though I am the one buying photos, I have no clue what his Dad is going to have him wear for tomorrow. While at work, I called and left a message on The Ex's voicemail asking if I could just swing by and drop off a shirt for Agent M to wear tomorrow, and drop off the order form/payment envelope. Hours passed and I got a text message back. The Ex said they would not be home tonight but I could drop the shirt off at his grandmother's house. Worked for me.

But then, three people called in sick to work tonight and I had the chance for a couple hours of overtime. I called and left another voicemail for The Ex. Can I bring the shirt later or would they be home by then and I could just drop it off to him. I made a point to say, I will literally just be dropping it off and leaving, could even have Agent M run out to the car and get it from me. I got a text back.

No.

Grandmother wasn't going to be home after all. He told me that my options were to either give Agent M the envelope in the morning before school started or order online. No mention about the shirt and never mind the fact that even with ordering online, you have to turn in a copy of the receipt on photo day or else the photographers will have no clue about the order and you won't get your photos. Plus, this made me wonder - where the hell is Agent M? Why are they going to be out so late on a school night, or is it just that he doesn't want me going by his house? (Which, if that was the case, he could have just said, "I'd prefer you not to come by", and that would have been the end of the subject.) I left a last voice-mail saying I had gotten the message and had misunderstood. I thought they were going to be at his grandmother's house. I just wanted to drop off a shirt, instead of having to go to Agent M's school early tomorrow morning, wait for him to get dropped off, and then pull Agent M aside to change shirts when he could be playing with friends. But whatever. If those were the only options he was going to let me have, I would make it work.

And this is what makes me sad.

Why is it so difficult? Why is it back and forth through text and voice-mails? Why can't I just drop off the damn shirt? Why does it seem like every time The Ex and I have a decent conversation, it is followed by weeks of him being uncommunicative? I have patiently wait for replies to emails, and have gotten none. I have asked for the last of my things that he is refusing to give me, he has ignored me. I have tried to be friendly and lighthearted at soccer games, practices, and the rare few times we have seen each other outside of Agent M's pick-up times. But I feel like I am constantly met with stony silence, annoyance, and, at times, a look of "Why the hell are you trying to talk to me?".

I don't want much and I expect even less from this whole divorce tango. But I want to get along for Agent M's sake. For my sake. I want to be able to chat about his school progress and cheer him on together at games. I'm not looking to be best friends. I just want to be able to have a decent, co-parenting, communicative relationship. I just want the bitterness to be gone and to get on with my life.

I just wanted to be able to drop off the shirt.