I wanted this blog to be the plate that I always kept spinning.
But I have not dedicated enough time to this blog, and to be honest, I underestimated how much time it would take to be a blogger - the typing, the editing, the photo uploading and cropping. I have had a hard time finding my voice. Some days, I feel like it is gone completely. Other days, I feel like I am sitting here pouring out words to thin air, no audience, and have been left to wonder why anyone would want to read the words I type anyways.
I tried to think of the real reasons why I am putting this blog on the shelf as I drove home last night from work. The reasons for it seem more like excuses: The divorce is getting closer to an end and I am stressed. I am working evenings again and being away from Agent M breaks my heart and leaves me tired when I am home. I am dirt broke and still catching up on bills from when I went on disability, and this blog doesn't bring in anything so devoting time to it seems like a wasted effort more and more often. I want to focus more on house projects, craft projects, college, learning Swedish, etc. Nothing seems like a good enough answer. Women have blogged through the deaths of loved ones, through cancer treatments, through working full-time jobs and staying up all night. Who am I to give up when things get a little chaotic? I feel like a let-down. But I also feel the plates wobbling and I think it is time for me to set a few down.
The fact is, NaBloPoMo made me see just how much my heart has not been in it. It felt like a chore. I would feel guilty for crocheting or relaxing when I was "supposed" to be blogging. I realized that my priorities right now do not have updating this blog high on the list. There is so much I want to write about, but it just isn't coming out when I feel obligated.
So, all of that being laid out - I am taking a break. Possibly a long one, not sure yet. My attention is else were right now and I want it to be that way for a little bit. Could I keep this blog updated by focusing more and putting more determination behind it? Probably. But as I said, right now I can see the spinning plates starting to wobble and these last two years of being on my own have taught me that it's better to know my limits and back down a little then to just think I can do it all and end up with everything crashing down around me.
I still plan to keep this blog open, and I plan to come back. It might be in two weeks, might be in two months. For now, my focus is going to be on writing that brings in moolah (how's that for sounding shallow? geez...), and the real-life day-to-day stuff I have coming up - namely, The Beast of Divorce which now has a shelf date and hopefully is going to be wrapped up in the next couple of months, going back to college this upcoming semester, and really putting a refocus on being the parent and person I want to be. Part of that refocus is going to involve a serious overhaul of our home and habits. As much as I would love to journal and track all of this, the idea of committing myself to blogging right now is a bit overwhelming. At the same time though - I am hoping that a self-imposed definite break will be just what I need to feel the drive again. I want this to be something I like to do, something I want to do. Something that I make the time for out of desire, not begrudged obligation. Maybe once I make myself set this blog down, walk away, and do other things, maybe then I will feel that pull again, that desire to type for hours, to document things I want remembered. At least, I can hope that will be what happens.