Some Fridays Are Harder Than Others

I know that I owe this blog and it's 7 readers a catching-up post. But for the sake of reality, let's just pretend that my life is dealt in seasons like network episodes and after a cliff hanger of a season finale, this is the start of a new season. There are new roles for the characters and some things just will have to be explained as we go.
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Tonight is supposed to be Date Night for me and WonderTwin. He was recently promoted and wanted to take me out to celebrate. Between him saving for moving and me saving for...well, bills...we are counting our pennies though, so our plans have gone from going to Outback Steak House to my saying "bring me steaks and I will cook them". But now, I am not so sure about even those plans.

Work was slow today. I only had two deliveries to make and generally felt like a bump on a log while I was there. Agent M has been in a mood the past couple of days and despite the good moments this week, it just felt like there was a gap between us that I could not close. I had a conversation with Agent M's dad the other night that has left an annoying slime in the back of my mind, threatening to coat my thoughts with it's cold bitterness. Add to that, I spent this afternoon bickering via text with Agent M's dad and the sudden drop in temperature outside has my shoulder aching to the point that even the slight tensing of my arm muscles from typing is making the burning ache grow more and more painful. You would think the idea of a date night would be so sweet and welcoming after all of this, but there is such a large part of me that just wants to hide from the world tonight, have a beer, and clean house a bit while catching up on Grimm. The fact is, I am sad. Simply, sad. I miss Agent M already and hate sending him to his dad's. He has told me that he has found cat litter in his bed when there and seen fleas jumping on him when he is in bed. His dad's family talks badly of me and Agent M is becoming more and more aware of it. Today again, he asked me to not make him go and I tell him I have to, the court decided that this is fair. He tells me to ignore the court, that he doesn't like going. All I can do it tell him I am sorry and that he needs to put on his shoes.

Tonight is supposed to be Date Night. I am hoping my WonderTwin will understand why my mood has changed so like the weather. I do not expect him to sit here with me or cook for me. He knows I have sunny days and cloudy days. Part of the joy of our date nights is that they get me out of the house when I want to hide and rage alone. Even though I am sad, maybe I will go do my makeup and hair anyways. Afterall, it's nice to share a cold, rainy evening with someone who will hold you close and tell you they love you. Tonight, I think I might need that a little more than I want to hide.

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

NaBloPoMo Prompt of the Day:

Would you rather stay or go?

This is an option I will not have for the next 10 years. 

For the next decade, no matter where I want to live, where I want to go to school, who I fall in love with, where is the best opportunity for me to be the best I can be for myself and Agent M...

...I would basically have to get permission to move from someone who absolutely hates me.

(Agent M's dad)

I want to live by the ocean, I want to go to a "real" college one day, I am in love with a man who lives on the other side of the world, and I sometimes wonder if moving to a new city and having a new start would be the best for us.

But going is not in the cards for me and as the days tick off closer and closer to my upcoming 29th birthday and closer to my court day for the divorce this upcoming Wednesday, that fact is setting in more and more. 

At this point, the path ahead is looking awfully foggy, and this is not the life I had planned for, and I am really not sure where the path is going to lead.

With the events of the last few weeks, part of me is finding it hard to not just give up. 

When I was younger, before I had Agent M, I tried to kill myself three times. 

I was frustrated. I felt stuck. Everything in me wanted to just call it quits. I felt like I had no one and that even if I was missed, it really would not be that bad for the people I would leave behind, because I felt like I didn't have that much influence on their lives anyways.

But.

I am glad I failed each time.

If I had not failed, I never would have gotten to feel just how big my heart can love. 

I never would have known that I have it in me to fight three years of severe depression, without medication and without much support.

I never would have met the people who made me realize I am worth a phone call, I am worth their time, and I never would have realized just how much my parents love me. 

Most of all, I never would have met the one person whom I love and adore over everyone else. 

And without him in my life, I would never have become the person I am today. 

I cry so much lately, and I am scared beyond words about how court will go this upcoming week. 

To put it simply - Agent M's dad is still trying to paint me as a mother that can not provide for her son. He is also requesting that I waive my rights to things I am entitled to and pay him a sum that is almost equal to the amount of money I made last year. 

With this looming ahead, and knowing that until Agent M is eighteen I will be at the mercy of co-parenting with a person who has so much bitterness and dislike towards me...

...so much of me wants to just go.

But, I know that without a doubt, I will never, ever give up again. 

No matter what happens, I will always stay and fight. 

Because even at the end of a long day, there is someone who thinks I am worth it and always wants me to snuggle with him at bedtime. 

I will always stay because I want him grow up always knowing that he is worth everything to me.

Can't Keep Letting it Get You Down

Having my midterm project and midterm paper sneak up on me has made me into a stressed out, constantly queasy, over tired mess.

Added to the mess is that for the last couple weeks, I have been hearing Agent M tell me how he hates his dad and how "stupid" (his word, not mine) his dad is. What makes it more annoying to me is that the causes are all little, correctable things. They are things that, to me, seem like basic parenting. It is hard enough to not get frustrated when The Ex treats me in a way that I would never treat him, and to let go of how I would "expect" him to act. But when he does things (or not does things) that cause Agent M to yell for 10 mins "I hate my dad!" over and over...well, it sucks.

Yesterday's event was caused by something that meant a lot to Agent M, that I had specifically asked his dad about, and yet, Agent M has possibly missed out on something because his dad did not take the time to check the date of something. Any guesses?

We missed a book order.

Minor right? Not the end of the world by any means. But, this is not the first time that I have asked his dad to make sure I get the book order form so that I can order something for Agent M. Actually, his dad had the book order form since last Friday, did not tell me, and when Agent M told me about it early in the week, I specifically asked his dad when the due date was since I wanted to order a book or two for Agent M. His reply was just that he did not know off the top of his head. So I asked if he would at least send the order form with Agent M when he came to my house on Friday. Which he did. Even though it says across the top in bold, black lettering: "DUE 3/9/12"

Skipping Agent M for a moment, here is where my expectations come in:

• When I have gotten the book order forms, I have let his dad know. I have told him the due date, asked if he wants to look over the form, etc. He never has. I expect him to do the same for me, so that I can be as involved as possible and have the chance to get something for Agent M, who loves getting book orders. 
• I expected him to check the due date when I asked, not just say "I don't know" and then blow it off as not important enough to check. 
• I expected him to give a rip that I would want to do something for Agent M and meet me halfway on it by getting the info to me when asked, or just by letting me know ASAP.
• I expect that he would have noticed the due date when putting the order form into Agent M's backpack (The Ex was the one to take it out and put it back in, Agent M said), and even if it was Friday morning when he noticed, I would have expected him to send me a quick text or phone call to say, "Hey, my bad. It is due today, then if you want to go drop off a check and fill it out before you go to work, you can."

Basically, I expect him to do for me what I would do for him. And that is my big mistake in all of this divorce/ co-parenting attempts. I simply can not expect anything from him - good nor bad. (I also have been told that I can not do all of those things for him that I would expect in return - but I always do what I can to encourage him to be a better parent for Agent M, so that's a harder habit to break.) When I have these expectations, I know that chances are, I will be let down. I will get frustrated. I will wonder why he does things in such a way. And I work hard to just let it all go.

And this is where Agent M comes right back into focus.

"I hate my dad! He always is messing things up for me! He never turns stuff in on time!"

What the hell do you do when your heart and joy is so upset by something completely out of your control, so minor to have prevented, and it has pissed you off also? 

I breathed. I let him rant and wail a little while I mentally did the same. And then, I calmed myself down as much as I could, and chose my words carefully. I told Agent M that I was really sad also. I told him I felt it was unfair also. I told him it was not worth hating someone for it though, and he was better than to waste his energy on hatred. We talked about possible ways to keep it from happening again. We talked about Agent M being the one to make sure the book order is given to me, a position I do not like to put him in but he said he doesn't want to give it to his dad from now on. I told him I was talk to his dad and see if there was a better system that we could work out to keep this from happening over and over. And when asked why does his dad do this type of stuff, I was honest and told him I just don't know. And I told him that I would talk to his teacher on Monday and see if there is any way that I can still get an order in. Because I might not be able to control or prevent what happens on his dad's end of things, but I can control what I do. I can do what I can for Agent M, especially if it will show him that I pay attention to what matters to him. And even though a book order is minor in the big picture, it mattered to him. 

Lazy Day Sunday

Parent/Teacher Conferences were last week for us. I have heard good things from his teacher, Mrs. CW, through the year, so I was damn near giddy at the idea of getting to sit for a bit and hear how awesome my kid is. (I'm proud of him, what can I say?)

The report was actually better than I had expected. He has a passion for math, which shows. From the phone calls home and chats after class, I already knew he was being well-behaved in class and showed a lot of excitement in learning. What I did not expect though was how far he has come in reading and comprehension. Last year, he was barely at grade level and hated to read. As a mum that is an avid reader and a writer, it was heart-wrenching. I personally felt like it was my fault, some sort of grave error on my part, that he didn't like to dive into books and explore the ways words can be combined into fantastic stories. So when Mrs. CW showed us his comprehension and reading test scores, my jaw almost dropped. He is reading at the next grade level and is almost at the top of the testing scales! I knew he had been reading more and more around the house, but didn't realize he had improved his skills that much! It was one of my proudest mumma-moments, to say the least.

When he gets good reports, I like to reward him with an "Anything Agent M Wants" day. We pick a day when I don't have work or other commitments, and what he says goes. I make what he wants to eat, we do what he wants, go wherever he decides, and I don't work, do laundry, wash dishes, etc. I'm all his and he's calling the shots for the day. In the past, we have gone to the park for hours, eaten cookies with breakfast, and gone to my parent's house to play video games with my Dad. When I asked him on Friday what he wanted for his day, which was going to be Sunday, he said he wanted it to be one of our "Lazy Days". Lazy Days are few and far between at our house, simply because of lack of time. We do the bare minimum on Lazy Days, the agenda usually heavily devoted to watching cartoons while laying on my bed. With writing to be done, job-hunting, laundry, work shifts, and school plays to juggle most days, we have not had a Lazy Day for months. Saturday night he was going to be spending the night at my parent's house (and I was taking advantage of the time to go out with some girls from work), so a Lazy Day following on Sunday sounded perfect. 

I told my Mum about the Lazy Day and that he was allowed to sleep in as late as he wanted (and their plans allowed). She loved the idea and to give them enough time to play, we planned on me picking him up about 12noon (Which was good considering I slept in until 11am that morning). Once I picked him up, Agent M reminded me that we were to go right home so that he could play a game on the laptop while sitting on my bed. Still waking up, I thought that sounded like a great idea. 

Our day roughly went like this: We climbed onto my bed, he played his games online for a bit while I crocheted. The cat snuggled with us, we made up pretend conversations with her. 

Suki loves Lazy Days just as much as we do. She was in our laps  most of the day.

Snuggled up on the bed. Crocheting to the left on me, Army games to the right, Suki stuck in the middle.

Photo from my bed. Such a messy room! Shoes to be put away, laundry to be hung! But Lazy Day means no cleaning!

Numerous episodes of Rocky and Bullwinkle were watched, and I got in numerous naps. He requested "Brinner" for a late lunch (normally, "Brinner" is "breakfast for dinner", in this case it meant we had hash browns, biscuits with jam, and scrambled eggs for lunch.). More crocheting, more games, more cartoons, more naps. I played with the camera on my phone. He defeated online armies. 

Where we camped out for 80% of the day. (And no makeup!)

While making dinner, we discovered that at 7 years old, he has already grown taller than my shoulders.

I am 5ft tall. Agent M is quickly catching up to me.

For dinner, he decided on red beans with rice and tilapia. Nothing fancy, but one of his current favorites.

Not the best photo - but we decided that red beans and rice are love. :)

We finished off the evening with him beating me at chess, twice, and then heading back to my bed for a chapter of Harry Potter before actually going to bed. I turned on a "Harry Potter" playlist on Pandora while I read, and we snuggled close under a big fleece blanket, the cat wedged between us, purring happily. It was a perfect Lazy Day, a reminder that even with all the fuss and work to be done, we should take the time for more lazy moments.



(No NaBloPoMo Prompt today - the prompt doesn't really apply to me, so I'm calling for an "off day")

Conversations

While walking to my car after school:
Agent M: "Okay, so try to kill me."
Agent A (a school friend): "What?! No!"
Agent M: "No, it's okay, just kill me."
Agent A: "But, I don't want to!"
Agent M: "But, I am a bad guy! Just kill me!"
Agent A: "But you are my best friend, I don't want to kill you, even if you are a bad guy."
Agent M: "Okay, well, then we should take over the world."
Agent A: "Okay, as long as I don't have to kill you."

While snuggling in Agent M's bed at the end of his first day back:
Me: As our cat drapes herself over us both and begins to purr loudly: "Aww, we're a happy little family."
Agent M: whispers: "But we are a divorced family."
Me: "Right, but we are still happy. You can be happy, even when everything has changed.....Do you ever wish that Daddy and I still lived together?"
Agent M: "No!"
Me: "Okay...yeah, we are both a little happier now, it just wasn't working for us to live together anymore..." (Not a great response, but it was late, that's all I could think of on the fly!)
Agent M: "And now, I have two homes and I can play video games in both places!"
Me: "...(o__O)..."
Agent M: "And I get to see Nana and Baba a lot!"
Me: "...(-___-)..."

Quick Post!

Run down of things missed or forgotten:

• After a month of waiting, I finally have a new mobile phone! The touch screen on my other had broken (on the day I bought a car, nonetheless) and I had to wait until my upgrade to get a new one. Thankfully, my parents let me borrow a mobile and the line they don't use often, so I at least had something while waiting. 
• Oh, yes - I bought a car! Well, rather, I signed the papers to commit to paying for a car for the next few years. My old car has not run in a year, and it was far too much money to get it running with no guarantee that something else would break down. I finally spent a decent amount of time going over the finances, figured out what would be affordable, searched and researched for hours online, and then spent 7 hours at a dealership getting approved for financing. The guy who wrangled with the banks for me was awesome. I love having my own car again and Agent M was highly amused by it when I picked him up with it.
• As of August, it has been one year since I injured my shoulder, which resulted in weeks of physical therapy, countless MRIs and doctor appointments, surgery, and six months of time off work. I am fortunate that it hurts so much less now and to have most of the mobility back already. December will bring the 1 year post-surgery mark. I can't believe all that has happened in the last year! (A subject for a whole other post)
• I spoke with my guidance counselor (is that what they're called?) at the community college and we made a plan for the next semester. I will be taking a maths class for the first time in over 10 years. I am more than a little nervous about this. 
• When I went onto the school website to check something after the counseling appointment, I discovered that one of my professors from last semester had died about a month prior. I was shocked and it took me two days to get over it. He had been key to getting through the last semester and taming a few of demons that I has battling. It took a lot in me to not call two of my other professors from last semester (who each had a huge impact on me) and make them swear never to die. (Again, whole other post on the subject, to come)
• I am STILL not divorced. Not amused by this. 
• In 3 weeks, I will be celebrating my Dad's birthday in Vegas, and then coming home to a wonderful to-be-announced-later secret. All I am saying for now is that I am over the moon happy and have been cleaning and working like a mad woman to have things together for the end of this month. 
• I am 8lbs away from my pre-pregnancy/pre-surgery weight (they were the same), and 15 lbs away from my post-marriage-dissolving/pre-living on my own weight. I have not made any drastic changes in my diet and I am just as lazy as ever, in my opinion, so this is a major accomplishment for me after getting back up to 205lbs after my surgery. 

And to close out things:

• Agent M is beyond awesome! Blaring the horn on this one! I have gotten a call from his teacher, plus a letter home, tell me how great he is doing in class and that he is an excellent student. His abilities in soccer are growing and getting more and more defined with each practice. I am so proud of him and each day I am so happy to have him in my life. He really inspires me to be the best person that I can be, and amazes me with the person he is becoming. 

More Than Just Back to School

Surprisingly, the thoughts of Agent M starting getting older, starting 2nd grade, and being back in a classroom all day were not what got to me the most today.

It was the forms. Filling in only myself and Agent M in our household when signing up for the free-meal program. Filling in the Emergency Contact Card and realizing that I have no idea where his dad works, what his work phone number is, and - while I know where his dad lives physically - I have no clue what his actual address or home phone number is. It was checking the box for living with "Both parents" and having to write "separated" next to it.

It was scanning the playground for Agent M before class started, and realizing that I had no idea what he was wearing, since it's his Dad's week. When the bell rang for classes to line up, this became a tear-threatening fear that I would not see him before classes started.

It was getting into the car I borrowed for the day and looking at the clock and thinking, "I should be trying to park for class right now." But classes are not in the cards for me this semester. With needing specific days off each week for Agent M's soccer practices and games, that makes me unable to request two more days off for classes. So I have to drop out again. It was not a difficult choice to make, but it is a sad one for me. I finally finished a semester, petitioned to be allowed to continue despite my poor grades in the past, hoped for weeks that my petition would get approved (and it did), but am dropping out again anyways. My consolations are that I don't have to shell out the money for books, parking passes, and I was still pretty low on the wait lists and may not have gotten in anyways.

It was looking through his folder of "Parent's Homework" after class was over, and sorting out which to give to his Dad and which to make copies of so that his Dad and I each would get a copy.

It was Agent M telling me, as he put on his shoes when his Dad came to pick him up from me, that the reason he growled at me when I asked questions about what his day was like was because "Dad doesn't ask [him] questions like that, ever." It was the smile on his face as I pulled him close and told him that was what it was, but that I always wanted to know about his day and would always ask.

Those were what got to me.

But while all of these moments made me cringe a little inside, I still found myself excited for Agent M. His teacher seems to be amazing. He was so happy to see his best friend before and after class. And even though he is getting bigger, he is still my little guy who sat in my lap while we played an "I Spy" type of game after we got home from school and settled. It could have been worse. It could have been his first day of high school.

Language and Lingo (another from the archives that never got posted)

In our home, if I say a "bad word", Agent M is allowed to collect a quarter from me. Some weeks have cost me more than others, but I have pretty much gotten a good handle of things at this point, and have made one "exception rule." That rule is that saying a "bad word" from another language does not count. Well, they don't count for me at least - he still is not allowed to say them, but it gives me a little wiggle room and keeps me from going broke when I stub a toe or discover that the cat has missed her litter box again.

Another language "thing" we have going on right now is that we, mostly me actually, are learning Swedish. Which leads us to spending some of our lazy summer mornings laying on my bed in the sunshine, listening to free language programs on my laptop. One such morning, I typed in the word "silly" in a sentence, and discovered that it auto-translated to mean "dumb". Definitely not the meaning I had in mind. Agent M and I talked about it for a moment, and how that could lead to confusion between two speakers, and moved on.

Later that day, I was doing something at the bottom of the stairs, got annoyed by it, and loudly exclaimed, "Bugger!" Agent M was on it. He came running out of his room and made it halfway down the stairs, all the while chiming, "You owe me 25¢! You owe me, I heard you!" Not this time buddy, I thought. "No, I don't", I replied. "It's only bad in England" He was not amused. As he stomped back up the stairs, he grumbled, "Yeah, well you're silly - IN SWEDISH!"

I didn't know if I wanted to laugh at his wit, or tell him to watch it since he technically was saying I was dumb. I couldn't help it, I went with laughing. At least I knew he was paying attention that morning, right?

Seven Things I Never Expected to See or Hear At My Son's Seventh-Birthday Party

(oops - thought I posted this weeks ago. Better late than never!)

My son, Agent M, had his seventh-birthday party today at my parent's house last Saturday. Given that it was zombie-themed and our family's love for the fringe, I expected it to be a bit kooky. However, there were some things, said and seen, that not even I would have expected.

1.) "Wait! You forgot to cut out his heart!" - Agent M to his best friend while playing some sort of pretend zombie attack on the friend's older brother.

2.) At one point during the party, I think my mum officially lost her marbles as she ran to her room and came back out minutes later wearing a frog-printed bandanna and neck-to-toe black clothes, wielding a slingshot, and armed with rice cracker balls for ammo. She then started a food fight in her own living room. If it wasn't for the video I recorded on my cell phone of the chaos that erupted, I would think it was all a daydream. An unexpected, bizarre daydream.

3.) "You're going to get toxoplasmosis for eating worms out of brains!" - Said to me by a scientifically-educated friend, as I picked the gummy worms off a Jell-O brain.

4.) "Hmm, how can I make it look like I am covered in blood?" - The older brother mentioned in #1, above.

5.) "Would you like some bug juice or muddy water?" - Myself, offering a guest some lemonade or tea to drink.

6.) My Dad actually dressed up like a zombie, complete with baggy jeans and a torn, fake-blood splattered sports coat and black eyeshadow around his eyes.

7.) "Don't eat all of your lips - we can take them home and you can finish them later. Have some cake instead." - Myself to Agent M, encouraging him to eat root beer cake over a giant green-colored chocolate shaped like a mouth.

100 Day Photo Challenge - Day 11

Day 11 - A picture of something I hate.

Hate is such a strong word. Growing up, I was taught that it was right up there with other "words you just don't say", such as The Word That Starts With F and Sounds Like Duck. (though, I will admit, I do say it quite a bit when Agent M is not home). The "H-word" is reserved for only the most disliked of disliked, passionately disgusting of things.

For me, that is lying. Specifically, being lied to in a type of deception to hide something from me or to make me think something that is not.

I will admit it to anyone - I am not a trusting person. It takes a lot of personal work for me to open myself up and truly believe what someone is telling me. It can be a coworker, a classmate, someone I have known for years, or someone I have only met a month ago. The fact always remains - in the back of my mind, I will not fully trust them at some point. I have had people go back on their word, twist the truth, and flat out say untruths about me. At this point, trust is hard earned from me, and I can count on one hand the people I can honestly say I would confidently trust and truly believe when they compliment me or believe that they don't hold a hidden motive.

This makes personal relationships difficult for me, even the minor ones of making friends. I second guess people's actions, wonder if they really mean what they say, and have a hard time believing what they say they will do. But the worst part of this lack of faith, is that I know the root of it lies in me. Because I have been hurt, I don't trust so that I can build up a wall, keep people at arm's length, and not let people close enough to risk being hurt again. For example, when I started the job I have now, I didn't talk to coworkers, I ate lunch with my headphones on, and I would only interact in a friendly way with customers. Eventually, a couple coworkers who saw a glimmer of more to me than I was letting out, cornered me and asked me what the deal was. I told them the truth - my previous job had gone sour when a coworker began to feed lies to my boss about my personal life. Lies that were twisted and made me out to be someone I wasn't. I had considered the coworker and the boss to be my friends. Besides losing the friendships and my faith in making friends at work, I also ended up losing the job eventually, under the guise of a "layoff because of the recession" (and that is not just me being untrusting of the reason I was let go - I was actually told that it was just a guise, something to put on resumes). Now, at this new job, why bother risk it happening to me again? Luckily, the people who cornered me understood and saw it for what it was - fear. Fear of being hurt, fear of having my trust abused. They "got it" and took the time to let me get to know them, and to get to know me. And while those coworkers have gone on to other jobs and I no longer talk to them, in a lot of ways they were the first to chip away at the wall I had built up, and they were the ones that helped me relearn that when someone lies, it's not my fault.

With Agent M, I am strict on the "no lying" rule. Often, I have told him I would be unhappy with him doing something wrong, but that I will be more hurt and upset if he lies about it. Though rare, he has actually gotten more in trouble with me over lying to cover something than for the actual fact. I hid things often as a kid and teen, and even young(er) adult, and it never payed off. It cost me trust from others, caused headaches, and even when the truth was difficult it was always better in the long run to just be honest. It took me years to really learn that, and I hope I can spare Agent M (and myself) the same frustrations as he grows up.

Happy Memorial Day!

Life.com photo from Arlington Cemetary

Today is not just "another day off work" or "another 3-day weekend". It's not just a day to score deals as the stores all have sales. It's not just a day to go to the river and party with friends. Actually, it can be all of that, but it is also something much more.

Today is set aside to especially think about and remember all of those who have died in combat. It's something we should do more than once a year, and honestly, one day is not enough to give to them compared to what so many people have given for us to have the freedoms we all enjoy. It's not just those who died in combat - those people all had families, friends, pets. They were neighbors, sisters, brothers, cousins, sons, daughters, coworkers, husbands, wives, mothers, and fathers. They left behind loved ones who still ache for them. And they did it for a love of their country and a sense of duty to protect it. 

Agent M wants to be in the Army when he is older. I will not lie - the thought terrifies me. But he tells everyone that asks that he wants to do it to protect people, which makes me so proud. The other day, he came to me and told me that when he is in the Army, he will die young. Apparently, a school mate told him that everyone in the Army dies young. I told him that was not always true, but it is a sad risk and reality. I don't know if I explained it right or soothed any worries he might have held under the surface. But it brought right to the surface my own fears. That does happen. Mothers have lost sons, and still continue to lose them every day. There are many years until Agent M will be old enough to join the Army, and many factors might change that choice, but that little talk still was enough of a kick from reality to keep me thinking about it, almost a week later. It also makes me wonder - what kind of sadness has that classmate's family felt, for a child to think that all people in the Army die young?

So, today I will not be shopping. I will not be barbecuing or out drinking and celebrating with friends. Not that there is anything wrong with any of that, we all celebrate differently. Agent M is with his dad this week, so it will just be me home alone today. Quietly painting, cleaning, and just being thankful that I can enjoy a peaceful day because of the countless people who sacrificed it all.  This is how I will celebrate and remember the price of the freedoms I enjoy. 

100 Day Photo Challenge - Day 10 (well, #10 at the least)

Day 10 - A picture of the person I do the most messed up things with.

Well, to be honest...I have no idea what this means. 

I don't do "messed up" things. 

So - calling a "Skip!" on this one, and posting a silly string of photos instead...

If you are a parent, you know what it takes sometimes to get a good "casual" photo. 

However, if you are not familiar with the process of getting a kid to smile and hold reasonably still for the seconds it takes to capture a photo, let me show you...

First, you need to convince the kid to come out of hiding in his closet.

Next, take photo. Kid will claim to smile. This is a lie.

Threaten with kisses.

 

Try again. Get the only great photo of yourself that has been taken in weeks, but also get another goofy photo of the kid, not smiling and missing half an eye.

Try again. Kid smiles. Like a puffer fish would smile. 

To hell with it. Tickling commences. Camera is wildly turned about, capturing odd photos.

Threaten to eat brains unless a good photo is taken.

Kid will, again, try to convince you that this counts as a smile.

Make your own goofy smile, "Just one goofy photo, THEN a real picture!".

Kid takes camera. Kid takes self-portrait. 

Get a photo of kid with a good smile, and the closet in the background.

Make faces with kid, telling him to "get the goofies out". 

Show kid how to smile. He will laugh and tell you that your teeth need to be brushed.

Give up. 

But - try one last time!

Because once you have given up, the kid will smile for you.

Us!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Happy Birthday Agent M!

Today's the day - in about two and a half hours, seven years ago, I finally got to look at Agent M's face and said, "Well, there you are!".

Every year for the last seven years, I have given him big kisses and hugs on this day. The day he starts another year around the sun, and I start another year of being the mum I hope to be. Every year, I have celebrated this day, and marveled at how much he's grown, his interests, the way my heart grows with each of his smiles, each achievement.

But, this year is uncharted territory for me. This year, he is with his dad. I don't know if he is having a party, I don't know if he is smiling and laughing. I can hope for all of it, and I am sure his dad is doing something to celebrate. But I am not there, he is not here. A two-minute and forty-six second phone call is all we got to share today.

To say that today is hard for me is like saying the ocean has some water in it. I keep trying to focus myself on other things, such as homework, emails, getting dressed so I can go run errands. I tell myself over and over that he is probably having a great time today, and that next weekend we will be on a family trip together. I think of yesterday, when we went to The Hamburger Farm, and how much fun we had as he got to pet a cow and grind wheat. But, the tears keep coming. My eyes are puffy and my head hurts.

There is no denying that in the last year, we have gone through so many changes. Last year, his dad and I still had a joint party, and it was successful, probably partially because it was big enough for us to not have to interact with each other. This year, when the subject of a joint party came up, I was the one to say i did not think it would be a good idea. Too much hurt, too much frustration in the last year, and I just didn't think we would be able to split a party 50/50 and be civil to each other the whole time. In this way, not seeing Agent M was my choice. Because I did not want to risk him seeing his parents clash on his birthday.

I don't know where this post is going, or where I meant to take it. Today is a difficult day, but like all the other difficult days, I know good days will follow and I have a lot of love and support. When these rain clouds come, my friends and family are here to open umbrellas for me when mine has turned inside out. This is just another bit of being a single mum that I knew to expect, but never could have imagined the impact.

Play Dates

To my delight, a neighbor kid came over and asked if Agent M could play today. With a deadline looming over my head like a rain cloud and my own homework piling up, I almost gleefully shoved Agent M out the door the moment he was done with his homework. Setting down at my computer, thoughts of getting caught up began to dance through my head, visions of going to bed at a decent hour filled me with joy, and...

"MOM!"

I jumped, as Agent M yelled through our kitchen window. Getting up and walking to the window, I found out he wanted to go play at the friend's house. I know the friend's parents, have seen inside their house many times - yes, yes, make sure his mom is okay with playing hostess, go play, and remember to be polite.

Since I was in the kitchen, I got a glass of water and prepared myself for plunking out words as quickly as I could before he was sent home. I asked myself if I should start making dinner yet, but seeing that is was still early, I figured it'd be best to get work done first. After all, it wouldn't take much time - I just had to sit down and focus.

You'd think after 6 years, I would understand that as a parent, nothing about being able to sit down and focus is simple.

I get three sentences out. A small, but determined, pounding on the door breaks my typing. I had not locked the door, but Agent M is feeling a sudden need to knock before entering. Now, they want to play at our house. No, with boxes of my art supplies making a slight maze out of our living room, and the disaster area that is Agent M's room, and the work I am trying to get done, today is not a good day for them to be here. Go play on the grass, I tell them. Neighbor boy says the grass makes him itchy when it's windy out. They suggest playing in Agent M's room, neighbor boy going so far as to offer to help Agent M clean it up when I counter that it is too messy for guests. I suggest they ride their bikes. I am temporarily awesome...then remember the two flats Agent M has. Determined in my own way, I grab the bike pump from the closet and drag his bike to the front steps. Five minutes later, the tires are full, the seat height adjusted, and they are off to get the neighbor kid's bike.

I, again, sit down. Pausing for a moment and listening, it seems safe to try to work. Forget finishing a project - I just want to finish a paragraph of writing. Instead of going to bed early, I can live with just being up late.

The door knob rattles.

"AGENT M'S MOM?"

I run to the door, fearing some sort of accident in the 4.8 seconds I had to myself. A training wheel fell off of Agent M's bike. Neighbor boy tells me they don't want to ride bikes anymore anyways. Dragging his bike, Agent M comes over and tells me he wants to get a few toys. Fine, I pull the bike back inside. He goes in his room and says he doesn't know what to take. Given our apartment living, we don't have many "outside" toys. Spying a chalk set, I hand it to him and try to send him on his way. He wants more toys. I grab a nearby tow truck, that still has a toy boat attached from the last time he played wit hit, and shoo him back out side.

Twenty minutes of solitude later, I have been more productive than I was in the entire day. The front door bursts open. He's appearently remembered that he does not need to knock before entering his own home.

"MOM! I NEED MORE TRUCKS!"

Through gritted teeth, I politely tell him to go. get. them. then. Take the whole box of the them. Go play. Don't lose any.

At this point, as I sit down again, I feel a twitch beginning to develop. I close out a project, get things opened to begin the next project.

The door knob rattles, and before he can even step inside, I am opening the door. Agent M has the box of toy cars in hand. They're done and going to go play at the neighbor boy's house again. I gladly tell them that I will put the toys away for them, take the box, the chalk set, and the toy tow truck in one swoop and send them off with a smile, telling Agent M to be home by 6pm. That should give me 15 mins.

I sit down. Again. I get a call from my doctor's office to reschedule an appointment. Once I am finally off the phone, I open up a few internet tabs for a research project and notice the time. It's 5:57pm.

The door bursts open again. Agent M is home on time, and hungry.

As I look in the pantry and try to figure out what I'll make, I wonder...maybe it would have been easier if they had just played over here. At least then I wouldn't have had to get up so much and maybe the room would have been cleaner afterwards.

Because Now I am Interesting

I really do not understand how nor why my son does it, but whenever I am on one of those super tight "If-I-don't-finish-this-NOW-my-head-is-gonna-roll" deadlines for something, he suddenly decides that I am not only the most interesting person in the world, but also that he is going to remain glued to my side and want nothing more than to bask in my presence. And whisper things under his breathe to break my focus. And knee me in the back, accidentally of course. And shoot laser sounds at me from across the room.

Yes, I am THAT mom - the type with a large gorilla in our living room.

Somehow, I do not think this will be an acceptable reason for my late papers though. Looks like another late night for me - off I go to play Transformers.

Food for Thought

It used to be next to impossible to get Agent M to tell me about his day. I'd pick him up from school, be careful to not be annoyingly over-excited (though I was) and would causally ask, "So, you have a good day?", only to be met with either a grunt or silence. On the particularly fussy days, I'd get a long, nasally-whine of "Dooooooon't aaaaask meeeeeeee! I doooooon't want to taaaaaaaaaaaaaalk!". 

Last week though, something suddenly changed. We were driving home and I had done the usual telling him about my day / asking him what he had for lunch. Instead of the silence I usually get as a reply, he actually told me - chicken drumsticks with sauce. Then he told me about what he had done in class, and which teacher he likes the most.

I was so surprised that when we got home, I didn't want to get out of the car, for fear that the spell would be broken and he wouldn't continue. So, we just sat in the car for a while and chit-chatted. It was a moment I've wished for and hoped for. Finally, we got out of the car and went on with our day, just like usual. 

I didn't expect it to happen again, and was just happy to have the memory. But to my surprise again, it keeps happening. Each day since he has been more chatty about his day, his thoughts on teachers, what his friends have been up to, etc. Instead of having to ask him questions and pulling conversation from him like teeth, he has been starting his own in-depth talks and asking me questions that lead to more talks. I don't know what has caused the shift, but it's been great! 

I know it's not necessarily going to always be like this, especially once those teen years come around, but I'm so happy to know that we at least have this foundation. He's at his dad's this weekend, and I can't wait for the conversations that are to come when I pick him up from school on Monday.

I Completely Understand

My Monday morning was spent hiking back and forth over the college campus, trying to sort out Financial Aid and figure out why I was dropped from a class and how to get back into it, then making it through two classes, if "making it" means taking notes on auto-pilot while thinking about the 5 different things I need to get done when I get home. The afternoon was more hiking across campus to solve the Dropped Class Dilemma, then a rush to pick up Agent M from school, only to have him be completely cranky on the walk home.

Practically juggling my laptop case, Agent M's backpack, and a bag of burritos that were for our late lunch, I was also mentally juggling how I was going to accomplish my to-do list for the day, my frustration towards Agent M's mood, how to get him to do his homework so I could start mine, and how to make 3 important phone calls in the next hour. Agent M was doing his own juggling - a grumpy mood, his frustration with my response, the looming doom of homework, and whatever was eating at him below the surface.

After a self-imposed exile to his room, I finally coaxed Agent M out to talk to me while we sat on the stairs. Mondays for him are a sometimes rocky transition from the weekend at Daddy's house back to the weekdays at Mama's house, and this Monday was no exception. We talked about his mood, my hopes for the evening, his weekend, my morning. Calmed and in a moment that both stung my heart and made me proud of his inner clarity, Agent M exclaimed, "There's just too much in my head!".

I know, little guy. I completely understand.

Out of the mouth of babes

"Give him lots of love and all of your attention. Whenever he wants it."

I had planned to write about “X number of Ways to Make Transition Days Smoother”. About ways to keep your sanity while dealing with a kid who greets you after 3 days of no communication with, “Why can't I stay at Daddy's house? He let me play video games all weekend.". 

Last night, instead of sitting at the computer, typing away after tucking Agent M into bed, I was responding to his urgent, panicked cry of “Mama!” that came down the hallway moments after I had sat down.

Thinking the worse, I had jumped up quickly and hurried down the hall, trying to not sound panicked also as I asked him what was wrong.

When I got to his room, he grinned like the Cheshire Cat, patted the sliver of space next to him on his twin size bed, and asked me to lay down with him. No monsters outside the bedroom window, no giant spiders attacking, no pea soup being hurled at me. Just a sly little boy who knows exactly what tone will get his mama up and running (and when did he train me so well?).

The inviting idea of laying down for a minute and his cheeky grin were more than any parent could pass up. As I pulled the blanket over us, I told him I really needed to work on my homework, and asked if he would like to know what it was I was working on. He nodded, rolled over and spooned his back up against me, pulling my arm around him and molding us into our usual snuggling position. I told him my topic idea and asked him what he thought.

He replied first with, "Let me play video games all night!", of course. I reminded him that I don’t own a t.v. nor game system. Then, taking the chance to peek inside his head a little, I explained that I was meaning more along the lines of things mums could do with their little ones on the first day back home when they are feeling grumpy because they miss their other parent and don’t like going back and forth. To which came the best advice I’ve heard, "Give him lots of love and all of your attention. Whenever he wants it.".

The honesty and wisdom in his answer hit me. It’s not making sure I have a new toy to bribe him into being happy, or planning dinner in advance so that it’s ready to be consumed the moment he walks in. Just love and attention. Simple as that.

That’s all the panicked yell was about, and when it really comes down to it, that’s all any of our kids want. They want our time. Our acknowledgement. They want us to be there to show them that we really did miss them, even if we had a great weekend without them being home. They just want to know that they are not alone in feeling frustrated and split in two. Is it easy to lay it all aside and put off the piling laundry, dishes, and ever growing to-do list? No, but it will all still be there, patiently wait for you to finish reading Where the Wild Things Are and discussing what the snail in the fish tank dreams about.

Kids will quickly get to the point where they don’t let you in on their thoughts and feelings if you don’t encourage that closeness early on. Just like the song “Cat’s Cradle”, they will take what we give them and mold it into themselves. Do we want to raise kids who constantly focus on work before family? Or do we want our kids to remember the night we said the dishes could wait and played card games on the floor all evening?

It sounds so simple, so why is it so hard to just spend time with your kid? As a single parent, time is already divided more than a two-parent household and packed with the demands of work, school (sometimes for both parent and kids), after school activities, housework, and for the lucky few, sleep. Maybe it’s because as a society, we place value on getting things done. The more we can say we did means the higher we can place ourselves and the better we are told we are. Let’s face it, most single parents have to wrestle with the “Not Good Enough” issues enough as it is. Being told to just put things off, let the laundry sit another day, and go make a fort out of sheets is enough to cause a Little Red Hen style panic attack in many a single parent. (If I take 5 mins to sing a silly song, who will help me and make that important phone call for me? If I sit and watch Scooby-Doo with Agent M, who will help me catch up and put the laundry away before it wrinkles? If I pretend to be a Evil Creature from Mars for 30 mins, who will help me catch up on the blog I am supposed to be typing?).

And the simple fact is – you don’t catch up. There will never be enough time in the day. The dishes and laundry will always be there (unless you move to a nudist camp that has personal maids to do the dishes for you). At the end of the that first day back home, that Transition Day that has so much potential to be either fabulous or gray-hair inducing, what do you want from your kids? Love and attention. The same that they are wanting from you. Let the details wait and just go be with your kid. Then while you fold the laundry, at least there will be a smile on your face while you think of all the fun you had.