I know that I owe this blog and it's 7 readers a catching-up post. But for the sake of reality, let's just pretend that my life is dealt in seasons like network episodes and after a cliff hanger of a season finale, this is the start of a new season. There are new roles for the characters and some things just will have to be explained as we go.
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Tonight is supposed to be Date Night for me and WonderTwin. He was recently promoted and wanted to take me out to celebrate. Between him saving for moving and me saving for...well, bills...we are counting our pennies though, so our plans have gone from going to Outback Steak House to my saying "bring me steaks and I will cook them". But now, I am not so sure about even those plans.
Work was slow today. I only had two deliveries to make and generally felt like a bump on a log while I was there. Agent M has been in a mood the past couple of days and despite the good moments this week, it just felt like there was a gap between us that I could not close. I had a conversation with Agent M's dad the other night that has left an annoying slime in the back of my mind, threatening to coat my thoughts with it's cold bitterness. Add to that, I spent this afternoon bickering via text with Agent M's dad and the sudden drop in temperature outside has my shoulder aching to the point that even the slight tensing of my arm muscles from typing is making the burning ache grow more and more painful. You would think the idea of a date night would be so sweet and welcoming after all of this, but there is such a large part of me that just wants to hide from the world tonight, have a beer, and clean house a bit while catching up on Grimm. The fact is, I am sad. Simply, sad. I miss Agent M already and hate sending him to his dad's. He has told me that he has found cat litter in his bed when there and seen fleas jumping on him when he is in bed. His dad's family talks badly of me and Agent M is becoming more and more aware of it. Today again, he asked me to not make him go and I tell him I have to, the court decided that this is fair. He tells me to ignore the court, that he doesn't like going. All I can do it tell him I am sorry and that he needs to put on his shoes.
Tonight is supposed to be Date Night. I am hoping my WonderTwin will understand why my mood has changed so like the weather. I do not expect him to sit here with me or cook for me. He knows I have sunny days and cloudy days. Part of the joy of our date nights is that they get me out of the house when I want to hide and rage alone. Even though I am sad, maybe I will go do my makeup and hair anyways. Afterall, it's nice to share a cold, rainy evening with someone who will hold you close and tell you they love you. Tonight, I think I might need that a little more than I want to hide.
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationship. Show all posts
Friday, May 25, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
I Suppose This Post Needs to Be Typed.
Two weeks ago, the Swede was here and we were a little more than half way through his visit.
Things were not going as I had hoped. Without dredging up all the bits and details, it was not a good visit. I broke up with him late at night on the 1st. I had been worried about the visit since we had been having bumps for a while, but I never expected it to go as it did. Within the first two days of his being here, all confidence I had was gone, I felt rejected, ugly, annoying, and had been told that my dreams and goals were unrealistic. One of the sharpest blows was that he had told me over the phone recently that he wanted to discuss the idea of his moving here when he saw me face-to-face, but when the topic came up in conversation once he was here, he stopped me mid-sentence and asked me why we would ever discuss that, and made it clear that he had no intention. Added to all the other going-ons, I was heartbroken. I was so sad that I would cry quietly in the shower each day, pressing my hands to my face to try to muffle the sound.
I didn't tell anyone much of what was going on when he was here, but there was no hiding it. Even my mum commented that I was not the same with him here, in demeanor or personal style. Without knowing the full story at the time, she still was there for me with hugs and telling me she was sorry to see me so sad. I felt like the colors were taken from my day. Agent M was edgy around him, often trying to get his attention but not getting much of it. It was such a different visit than the last time. I spent hours and days wondering what had changed, what I had done wrong to lose his interest and why others girls seemed to have it. I let it tear me down completely, at one point barely being able to muster up even the minimum amount of energy needed to pull off a facade of sunshine to make it through each day.
WonderTwin kept me going with daily texts of, "Good Morning, Beautiful!" and promises of ice cream and movie-watching time after the Swede left. My gals sent me messages telling me to keep my chin up, that they were making plans to capture me for a girl's night to catch up. A couple other friends tried to comfort me during the nights I stayed up while the Swede slept, as I was crying so hard that I could barely see the keys to type while we chatted online. I didn't tell any of them the full details, mostly just that I was feeling so worthless and ugly and didn't know what had happened. I felt ashamed, stupid, and confused. I felt like a fool for believing anything he had said to me, and heartbroken over the actions that were so much louder than the few words he was saying.
But, that was two weeks ago. And I have gotten such an out pouring of love since he has left.
WonderTwin met me at my place when I got home from taking the Swede to the airport. I had sobbed the whole way home and tears were still streaming down my face when I pulled into my apartment parking lot. We stood in my doorway and he held me while I cried more. I poured it all out to him. I cried over how I felt I had been treated, over how I felt stupid, confused, and the grief for things that I thought were going to happen but never will. The whole time, he just held me close and listened. Then he took me to breakfast. When I picked Agent M up from school that day, we laid on my bed and just existed with each other for a bit. We tickled each other and smiled. WonderTwin came over again that evening, and ended up staying the night, helping me sleep soundly for the first time in three weeks.
The first few days were rough, but friends were practically shouting at me on my Facebook page and through texts - they loved me and were there for me. The girl's night was like a breath of air for a gasping fish. We laughed as I tried to learn to make fried chicken, then I poured it all out for them while eating the extremely burnt chicken and drinking lemonade vodka. My gals listened, lectured me on not calling them, but were never judgmental. I finally was able to tell my mum the details the next night, while driving her home from the airport. Again, more love, more support, and more being told that I deserved to be treated better.
It has been two weeks since the middle of that visit. The Swede and I are going to try to be friends. He tells me he misses me and still loves me. But I genuinely don't feel the same. I am hurt by his actions, hurt by things that went on behind my back and while he was here. We have chatted a little since he has been home. It is awkward and slow going, but we will see where it ends up. I'd like to say I am fine either way, even though I really miss how he was, but definitely not how he has been lately.
A lot has changed though since he has left. I might have a new job, my friends continue to amaze me with how supportive and loving they are, my confidence is (sortof) back, and WonderTwin...well, he is WonderTwin.
This morning, Agent M, WonderTwin, and I were all lounging on my bed before I took Agent M to school. WonderTwin was using his laptop and explaining a video game program to Agent M while I checked my emails on my laptop. After taking Agent M to school, as I was heading back to my place to get ready for school and work, I decided to stop and get some breakfast to surprise WonderTwin, who was still at my place working on his laptop. And really, that's when what I already knew really became the clearest. I really like WonderTwin. He makes me laugh, he holds me when I cry. He encourages me to push myself without making me feel like I am being a wimp. We can talk for hours just as comfortably as when we are doing our own things in silence while sitting next to each other. He plays with Agent M effortlessly and gets it when I am busy with Agent M. Honestly, the two of them have developed a habit of ganging up on me with fart jokes or demands for ice cream...and even though I throw them looks and tell them they are impossible, I love it. He has just as wicked a sense of humor as I do, is creative and passionate about his interests, and has a curiosity for the world that I have never really seen in another guy. He brings a lot to the table, haha. When I am not so hurt and my heart has healed, he is the type of guy I'd like to make smile every day. We've talked a bit about it, and he knows I am still hurting. But he knows I won't always be hurting so much. And he says he is waiting until that day.
Things were not going as I had hoped. Without dredging up all the bits and details, it was not a good visit. I broke up with him late at night on the 1st. I had been worried about the visit since we had been having bumps for a while, but I never expected it to go as it did. Within the first two days of his being here, all confidence I had was gone, I felt rejected, ugly, annoying, and had been told that my dreams and goals were unrealistic. One of the sharpest blows was that he had told me over the phone recently that he wanted to discuss the idea of his moving here when he saw me face-to-face, but when the topic came up in conversation once he was here, he stopped me mid-sentence and asked me why we would ever discuss that, and made it clear that he had no intention. Added to all the other going-ons, I was heartbroken. I was so sad that I would cry quietly in the shower each day, pressing my hands to my face to try to muffle the sound.
I didn't tell anyone much of what was going on when he was here, but there was no hiding it. Even my mum commented that I was not the same with him here, in demeanor or personal style. Without knowing the full story at the time, she still was there for me with hugs and telling me she was sorry to see me so sad. I felt like the colors were taken from my day. Agent M was edgy around him, often trying to get his attention but not getting much of it. It was such a different visit than the last time. I spent hours and days wondering what had changed, what I had done wrong to lose his interest and why others girls seemed to have it. I let it tear me down completely, at one point barely being able to muster up even the minimum amount of energy needed to pull off a facade of sunshine to make it through each day.
WonderTwin kept me going with daily texts of, "Good Morning, Beautiful!" and promises of ice cream and movie-watching time after the Swede left. My gals sent me messages telling me to keep my chin up, that they were making plans to capture me for a girl's night to catch up. A couple other friends tried to comfort me during the nights I stayed up while the Swede slept, as I was crying so hard that I could barely see the keys to type while we chatted online. I didn't tell any of them the full details, mostly just that I was feeling so worthless and ugly and didn't know what had happened. I felt ashamed, stupid, and confused. I felt like a fool for believing anything he had said to me, and heartbroken over the actions that were so much louder than the few words he was saying.
But, that was two weeks ago. And I have gotten such an out pouring of love since he has left.
WonderTwin met me at my place when I got home from taking the Swede to the airport. I had sobbed the whole way home and tears were still streaming down my face when I pulled into my apartment parking lot. We stood in my doorway and he held me while I cried more. I poured it all out to him. I cried over how I felt I had been treated, over how I felt stupid, confused, and the grief for things that I thought were going to happen but never will. The whole time, he just held me close and listened. Then he took me to breakfast. When I picked Agent M up from school that day, we laid on my bed and just existed with each other for a bit. We tickled each other and smiled. WonderTwin came over again that evening, and ended up staying the night, helping me sleep soundly for the first time in three weeks.
The first few days were rough, but friends were practically shouting at me on my Facebook page and through texts - they loved me and were there for me. The girl's night was like a breath of air for a gasping fish. We laughed as I tried to learn to make fried chicken, then I poured it all out for them while eating the extremely burnt chicken and drinking lemonade vodka. My gals listened, lectured me on not calling them, but were never judgmental. I finally was able to tell my mum the details the next night, while driving her home from the airport. Again, more love, more support, and more being told that I deserved to be treated better.
It has been two weeks since the middle of that visit. The Swede and I are going to try to be friends. He tells me he misses me and still loves me. But I genuinely don't feel the same. I am hurt by his actions, hurt by things that went on behind my back and while he was here. We have chatted a little since he has been home. It is awkward and slow going, but we will see where it ends up. I'd like to say I am fine either way, even though I really miss how he was, but definitely not how he has been lately.
A lot has changed though since he has left. I might have a new job, my friends continue to amaze me with how supportive and loving they are, my confidence is (sortof) back, and WonderTwin...well, he is WonderTwin.
This morning, Agent M, WonderTwin, and I were all lounging on my bed before I took Agent M to school. WonderTwin was using his laptop and explaining a video game program to Agent M while I checked my emails on my laptop. After taking Agent M to school, as I was heading back to my place to get ready for school and work, I decided to stop and get some breakfast to surprise WonderTwin, who was still at my place working on his laptop. And really, that's when what I already knew really became the clearest. I really like WonderTwin. He makes me laugh, he holds me when I cry. He encourages me to push myself without making me feel like I am being a wimp. We can talk for hours just as comfortably as when we are doing our own things in silence while sitting next to each other. He plays with Agent M effortlessly and gets it when I am busy with Agent M. Honestly, the two of them have developed a habit of ganging up on me with fart jokes or demands for ice cream...and even though I throw them looks and tell them they are impossible, I love it. He has just as wicked a sense of humor as I do, is creative and passionate about his interests, and has a curiosity for the world that I have never really seen in another guy. He brings a lot to the table, haha. When I am not so hurt and my heart has healed, he is the type of guy I'd like to make smile every day. We've talked a bit about it, and he knows I am still hurting. But he knows I won't always be hurting so much. And he says he is waiting until that day.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Whew!
It's 3am, I have been awake since 12:30am.
I fell asleep with Agent M, and even though Wondertwin attempted to text and call me to make sure I got back up to go do homework (he knows my ritual of "make plans to do work after Agent M is in bed, snuggle with Agent M, we both fall asleep, no work gets done"), I was curled into a crescent moon shape with Agent M and asleep by 9pm.
Agent M is a pro at slumber gymnastics, and I usually wake up to an arm being tossed across me or by him scooting and turning on the bed like a long-limbed puppy trying to curl into just the right spot. Which means, I am awake around midnight, and have had just enough sleep to make it difficult to fall back to sleep in my own bed.
(This once went on for a good 5 days and by the end of the week I had fallen into a routine of taking a 2.5 hours "nap" at his bedtime, then another 2 hour "nap" around 4am. When he went to his dad's, I stopped taking the first "nap" and would just be up until 4 am. After a few days of that, I was a wreck and couldn't keep my days straight.)
In twelve hours, I plan to be at the airport, parking, and getting ready to wait for my Swede to arrive. With everything that has been going on, I am a huge tangled paper-clip style mess of emotions. I am excited to see him, hands down. Nervous as to how the visit will go (3 weeks! So much possibility!) and trying to not hold expectations. A bit bummed because it appears a couple of my friends have formed "teams" (Team Swede vs. Team Wondertwin...yeah, there's a whole blog post in itself), so I probably won't be planning any parties while he is here after all (hello, awkward!). Really though, I am excited. He and I had a bit of a bump on Sunday, but it was partially due to my forgetting he was leaving for Stockholm the early on Monday, and the part I was having an issue with, he made a point of apologizing for and then followed through on his word the next day. So, we will see.
With him coming, I have been trying to do extra house cleaning and really don't have much left - though it sure sounds like a lot when I start listing it off. Basically, I'm going to do a quick clean of the bathrooms, change the bedding (and fix something on my bed which broke), put away laundry, clean up the downstairs a bit, and do the dishes. Really, all that is left can get done in a few hour's time. Wondertwin is going to come over and help me with fixing the bed after I get my nails done, which is really the biggest beast. Lot's of girly pampering today also. I am using birthday money to get my nails done, will do my own pedicure later, and plan to take a nice warm shower and get all girly-fied before I go to the airport. I re-dyed my hair already (yay for magenta!), so that is thankfully one thing off today's to-do list!
Since I don't know how much blogging I will do while he is here, I'm going to end with a quick rundown of stuff and a promise that if anything, I will photo blog.
- Midterm scored are in! Math midterm exam - 87/100, English Lit. midterm paper - 82/100, English Lit. midterm exam - 198/250. Not the best, but I am pretty happy with my scores.
- Agent M is on a "no one likes me" kick. I hate it and it breaks my heart. After talking to a friend who has been through something similar with her son, I am taking a different approach and hoping it will lift his spirits. Plus, lots of extra cuddling.
- I'm older! My birthday was Sunday and I turned 29! Woke up that morning snuggled in my bed with Agent M next to me and Suki on my stomach, and listening to the rain drizzle outside. Minus the bump the Swede and I had that morning, it was a great day. I got caught up on my math homework, had homemade breakfast at my parent's house with them, Agent M and a friend, ran some errands, played with Agent M and put together a big telescope to look at stars, and then ended the night with Wondertwin taking me to see The Hunger Games. Totally was an awesome birthday.
- Did not finish my professional portfolio, but turned in what I had. I will be lucky if I get even 4 points out of the 15 possible...but freaking glad to had that off my back.
- Swede gets here tonight, I have a huge math exam tomorrow morning. First-world gripe, but it still is sucky timing for the exam.
- Wondertwin gave me a huge pack of ultra fine sharpies for my birthday. I had previously (as in months and months before my birthday) told him that if anyone ever knew me well enough to buy me a pack of ultra fine sharpies as a gift, I would most likely consider that person to be marrying material. Things like this have caused me to decide he is far to awesome to be real and must really be a unicorn in human form and that any future girlfriends he has must not only be fully aware of his awesomeness but they also must be worthy of it. The bar is pretty high ladies, I won't stand for my Wondertwin being with just anyone.
- Agent M told me the other day that he likes me 95% of the time, but his dad only 80% of the time. Sad, but it still made me smile a little.
- Agent M also has declared "ass" to no longer be a cuss word and put it in the "words you can say around mum but you don't say at school" category, like "badass", "hell", "damn", and "crap". Last week, I over heard him say to Wondertwin, "Dude! This game is hella fun!", but then also was told by his teacher how impressed she is with his wide range of vocabulary and that he is far above grade level in his use and understanding of it. For all of this, I am one proud mama. And probably never going get the Mom of the Year award.
Going to attempt to get another hour or so of sleep before I had to get up to take Agent M to school!
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