I hate that so much of my mental energy is focused on money lately. I have tried to shake it off, tried keeping my chin up, and plans are in motion that will help me work more from home and (hopefully) bring in more income again. But the fact still remains that all day long I am mentally tied up with wondering how I will pay rent, how will I afford Agent M's field trips, how will I pay for my car repairs (and if I should even bother with them since I am having a hard time paying for my car), how can I juggle the big things to afford the little things we need in day to day life, etc. I know I will figure it out but it has been weighing heavier than ever these past few months since I thought I would have it all figured out by now.
Six months ago, I had a job that paid well enough for me to pay all of my bills and have extra at the end of the month. Then, it was gone over night. It took me almost a month but I found two part time jobs to replace the one I had - but even combined, they paid hundreds less than what I had been making. Then, I was promoted to full time at one job. That came close to my previous income, but still just short enough to leave me juggling each week. Recently, I choose to quit the part time job I was working only 8-12 hours a week because of personal reasons relating to my son. I know it was the right choice to make for a variety of reasons, but financially it hasn't helped any.
As I have said, there are plans and paths ahead that I am going down that I hope will allow me to bring in more income. I have things to list on eBay and Etsy, and have gotten a few commissions for craft work and plan to kick into high gear with more commissions after the holidays. I am going to force myself to exercise both physically and mentally on a more consistent basis - physically for the stress relief and health benefits, and mentally by writing regularly again and going back to school to finish my general eds and get closer to completing a degree. These steps and plans take time though. They do not solve the questions "Will the rent check go through this month?" nor "How many paycheck advances can I take out this week?". These plans do not help me feel less guilty when, due to my hypoglycemia, I have to buy food for myself to make it through the work days even though I would rather go hungry and be able to buy my son toys for Christmas, or at least pay our SMUD bill.
It is frustrating to be so wrapped up in these thoughts from the moment I wake up to the moment I allow myself to succumb to sleep. I feel that I am fortunate in many ways and have numerous reasons to not complain but at the same time I am conflicted for feeling so many emotions at not being financially stable. I get angry, overwhelmed, cry, want to give up, get annoyed, and so on. But I also feel guilty, scared, helpless, and at times jealous. This all goes against many of my spiritually beliefs as well, which leads me to more worries and frustration. More often than any other time in my recent life, I have struggled with mindfulness and inner balance. I do not want to be a bad role model to my son during all of this either. He is going through a few things and having an agitated and distracted mother will do him no help. Knowing this, I worry more. Knowing that there are things out of my control and that I need to be focused and patient has comforted me in the past, however it now just adds to my worry.
There is no happy wrap up to this post. There is no inspirational thought or tidy quote that I can put here that will make me feel better or show that I am keeping a sunny disposition about matters. This is my life at the moment and it is messy. It is scary. It is as if all of the plates I for so long kept spinning have gotten to be too much and are wobbling and crashing to the floor around me.
Showing posts with label free-flow. Show all posts
Showing posts with label free-flow. Show all posts
Monday, December 8, 2014
Monday, April 23, 2012
I Suppose This Post Needs to Be Typed.
Two weeks ago, the Swede was here and we were a little more than half way through his visit.
Things were not going as I had hoped. Without dredging up all the bits and details, it was not a good visit. I broke up with him late at night on the 1st. I had been worried about the visit since we had been having bumps for a while, but I never expected it to go as it did. Within the first two days of his being here, all confidence I had was gone, I felt rejected, ugly, annoying, and had been told that my dreams and goals were unrealistic. One of the sharpest blows was that he had told me over the phone recently that he wanted to discuss the idea of his moving here when he saw me face-to-face, but when the topic came up in conversation once he was here, he stopped me mid-sentence and asked me why we would ever discuss that, and made it clear that he had no intention. Added to all the other going-ons, I was heartbroken. I was so sad that I would cry quietly in the shower each day, pressing my hands to my face to try to muffle the sound.
I didn't tell anyone much of what was going on when he was here, but there was no hiding it. Even my mum commented that I was not the same with him here, in demeanor or personal style. Without knowing the full story at the time, she still was there for me with hugs and telling me she was sorry to see me so sad. I felt like the colors were taken from my day. Agent M was edgy around him, often trying to get his attention but not getting much of it. It was such a different visit than the last time. I spent hours and days wondering what had changed, what I had done wrong to lose his interest and why others girls seemed to have it. I let it tear me down completely, at one point barely being able to muster up even the minimum amount of energy needed to pull off a facade of sunshine to make it through each day.
WonderTwin kept me going with daily texts of, "Good Morning, Beautiful!" and promises of ice cream and movie-watching time after the Swede left. My gals sent me messages telling me to keep my chin up, that they were making plans to capture me for a girl's night to catch up. A couple other friends tried to comfort me during the nights I stayed up while the Swede slept, as I was crying so hard that I could barely see the keys to type while we chatted online. I didn't tell any of them the full details, mostly just that I was feeling so worthless and ugly and didn't know what had happened. I felt ashamed, stupid, and confused. I felt like a fool for believing anything he had said to me, and heartbroken over the actions that were so much louder than the few words he was saying.
But, that was two weeks ago. And I have gotten such an out pouring of love since he has left.
WonderTwin met me at my place when I got home from taking the Swede to the airport. I had sobbed the whole way home and tears were still streaming down my face when I pulled into my apartment parking lot. We stood in my doorway and he held me while I cried more. I poured it all out to him. I cried over how I felt I had been treated, over how I felt stupid, confused, and the grief for things that I thought were going to happen but never will. The whole time, he just held me close and listened. Then he took me to breakfast. When I picked Agent M up from school that day, we laid on my bed and just existed with each other for a bit. We tickled each other and smiled. WonderTwin came over again that evening, and ended up staying the night, helping me sleep soundly for the first time in three weeks.
The first few days were rough, but friends were practically shouting at me on my Facebook page and through texts - they loved me and were there for me. The girl's night was like a breath of air for a gasping fish. We laughed as I tried to learn to make fried chicken, then I poured it all out for them while eating the extremely burnt chicken and drinking lemonade vodka. My gals listened, lectured me on not calling them, but were never judgmental. I finally was able to tell my mum the details the next night, while driving her home from the airport. Again, more love, more support, and more being told that I deserved to be treated better.
It has been two weeks since the middle of that visit. The Swede and I are going to try to be friends. He tells me he misses me and still loves me. But I genuinely don't feel the same. I am hurt by his actions, hurt by things that went on behind my back and while he was here. We have chatted a little since he has been home. It is awkward and slow going, but we will see where it ends up. I'd like to say I am fine either way, even though I really miss how he was, but definitely not how he has been lately.
A lot has changed though since he has left. I might have a new job, my friends continue to amaze me with how supportive and loving they are, my confidence is (sortof) back, and WonderTwin...well, he is WonderTwin.
This morning, Agent M, WonderTwin, and I were all lounging on my bed before I took Agent M to school. WonderTwin was using his laptop and explaining a video game program to Agent M while I checked my emails on my laptop. After taking Agent M to school, as I was heading back to my place to get ready for school and work, I decided to stop and get some breakfast to surprise WonderTwin, who was still at my place working on his laptop. And really, that's when what I already knew really became the clearest. I really like WonderTwin. He makes me laugh, he holds me when I cry. He encourages me to push myself without making me feel like I am being a wimp. We can talk for hours just as comfortably as when we are doing our own things in silence while sitting next to each other. He plays with Agent M effortlessly and gets it when I am busy with Agent M. Honestly, the two of them have developed a habit of ganging up on me with fart jokes or demands for ice cream...and even though I throw them looks and tell them they are impossible, I love it. He has just as wicked a sense of humor as I do, is creative and passionate about his interests, and has a curiosity for the world that I have never really seen in another guy. He brings a lot to the table, haha. When I am not so hurt and my heart has healed, he is the type of guy I'd like to make smile every day. We've talked a bit about it, and he knows I am still hurting. But he knows I won't always be hurting so much. And he says he is waiting until that day.
Things were not going as I had hoped. Without dredging up all the bits and details, it was not a good visit. I broke up with him late at night on the 1st. I had been worried about the visit since we had been having bumps for a while, but I never expected it to go as it did. Within the first two days of his being here, all confidence I had was gone, I felt rejected, ugly, annoying, and had been told that my dreams and goals were unrealistic. One of the sharpest blows was that he had told me over the phone recently that he wanted to discuss the idea of his moving here when he saw me face-to-face, but when the topic came up in conversation once he was here, he stopped me mid-sentence and asked me why we would ever discuss that, and made it clear that he had no intention. Added to all the other going-ons, I was heartbroken. I was so sad that I would cry quietly in the shower each day, pressing my hands to my face to try to muffle the sound.
I didn't tell anyone much of what was going on when he was here, but there was no hiding it. Even my mum commented that I was not the same with him here, in demeanor or personal style. Without knowing the full story at the time, she still was there for me with hugs and telling me she was sorry to see me so sad. I felt like the colors were taken from my day. Agent M was edgy around him, often trying to get his attention but not getting much of it. It was such a different visit than the last time. I spent hours and days wondering what had changed, what I had done wrong to lose his interest and why others girls seemed to have it. I let it tear me down completely, at one point barely being able to muster up even the minimum amount of energy needed to pull off a facade of sunshine to make it through each day.
WonderTwin kept me going with daily texts of, "Good Morning, Beautiful!" and promises of ice cream and movie-watching time after the Swede left. My gals sent me messages telling me to keep my chin up, that they were making plans to capture me for a girl's night to catch up. A couple other friends tried to comfort me during the nights I stayed up while the Swede slept, as I was crying so hard that I could barely see the keys to type while we chatted online. I didn't tell any of them the full details, mostly just that I was feeling so worthless and ugly and didn't know what had happened. I felt ashamed, stupid, and confused. I felt like a fool for believing anything he had said to me, and heartbroken over the actions that were so much louder than the few words he was saying.
But, that was two weeks ago. And I have gotten such an out pouring of love since he has left.
WonderTwin met me at my place when I got home from taking the Swede to the airport. I had sobbed the whole way home and tears were still streaming down my face when I pulled into my apartment parking lot. We stood in my doorway and he held me while I cried more. I poured it all out to him. I cried over how I felt I had been treated, over how I felt stupid, confused, and the grief for things that I thought were going to happen but never will. The whole time, he just held me close and listened. Then he took me to breakfast. When I picked Agent M up from school that day, we laid on my bed and just existed with each other for a bit. We tickled each other and smiled. WonderTwin came over again that evening, and ended up staying the night, helping me sleep soundly for the first time in three weeks.
The first few days were rough, but friends were practically shouting at me on my Facebook page and through texts - they loved me and were there for me. The girl's night was like a breath of air for a gasping fish. We laughed as I tried to learn to make fried chicken, then I poured it all out for them while eating the extremely burnt chicken and drinking lemonade vodka. My gals listened, lectured me on not calling them, but were never judgmental. I finally was able to tell my mum the details the next night, while driving her home from the airport. Again, more love, more support, and more being told that I deserved to be treated better.
It has been two weeks since the middle of that visit. The Swede and I are going to try to be friends. He tells me he misses me and still loves me. But I genuinely don't feel the same. I am hurt by his actions, hurt by things that went on behind my back and while he was here. We have chatted a little since he has been home. It is awkward and slow going, but we will see where it ends up. I'd like to say I am fine either way, even though I really miss how he was, but definitely not how he has been lately.
A lot has changed though since he has left. I might have a new job, my friends continue to amaze me with how supportive and loving they are, my confidence is (sortof) back, and WonderTwin...well, he is WonderTwin.
This morning, Agent M, WonderTwin, and I were all lounging on my bed before I took Agent M to school. WonderTwin was using his laptop and explaining a video game program to Agent M while I checked my emails on my laptop. After taking Agent M to school, as I was heading back to my place to get ready for school and work, I decided to stop and get some breakfast to surprise WonderTwin, who was still at my place working on his laptop. And really, that's when what I already knew really became the clearest. I really like WonderTwin. He makes me laugh, he holds me when I cry. He encourages me to push myself without making me feel like I am being a wimp. We can talk for hours just as comfortably as when we are doing our own things in silence while sitting next to each other. He plays with Agent M effortlessly and gets it when I am busy with Agent M. Honestly, the two of them have developed a habit of ganging up on me with fart jokes or demands for ice cream...and even though I throw them looks and tell them they are impossible, I love it. He has just as wicked a sense of humor as I do, is creative and passionate about his interests, and has a curiosity for the world that I have never really seen in another guy. He brings a lot to the table, haha. When I am not so hurt and my heart has healed, he is the type of guy I'd like to make smile every day. We've talked a bit about it, and he knows I am still hurting. But he knows I won't always be hurting so much. And he says he is waiting until that day.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Whew!
It's 3am, I have been awake since 12:30am.
I fell asleep with Agent M, and even though Wondertwin attempted to text and call me to make sure I got back up to go do homework (he knows my ritual of "make plans to do work after Agent M is in bed, snuggle with Agent M, we both fall asleep, no work gets done"), I was curled into a crescent moon shape with Agent M and asleep by 9pm.
Agent M is a pro at slumber gymnastics, and I usually wake up to an arm being tossed across me or by him scooting and turning on the bed like a long-limbed puppy trying to curl into just the right spot. Which means, I am awake around midnight, and have had just enough sleep to make it difficult to fall back to sleep in my own bed.
(This once went on for a good 5 days and by the end of the week I had fallen into a routine of taking a 2.5 hours "nap" at his bedtime, then another 2 hour "nap" around 4am. When he went to his dad's, I stopped taking the first "nap" and would just be up until 4 am. After a few days of that, I was a wreck and couldn't keep my days straight.)
In twelve hours, I plan to be at the airport, parking, and getting ready to wait for my Swede to arrive. With everything that has been going on, I am a huge tangled paper-clip style mess of emotions. I am excited to see him, hands down. Nervous as to how the visit will go (3 weeks! So much possibility!) and trying to not hold expectations. A bit bummed because it appears a couple of my friends have formed "teams" (Team Swede vs. Team Wondertwin...yeah, there's a whole blog post in itself), so I probably won't be planning any parties while he is here after all (hello, awkward!). Really though, I am excited. He and I had a bit of a bump on Sunday, but it was partially due to my forgetting he was leaving for Stockholm the early on Monday, and the part I was having an issue with, he made a point of apologizing for and then followed through on his word the next day. So, we will see.
With him coming, I have been trying to do extra house cleaning and really don't have much left - though it sure sounds like a lot when I start listing it off. Basically, I'm going to do a quick clean of the bathrooms, change the bedding (and fix something on my bed which broke), put away laundry, clean up the downstairs a bit, and do the dishes. Really, all that is left can get done in a few hour's time. Wondertwin is going to come over and help me with fixing the bed after I get my nails done, which is really the biggest beast. Lot's of girly pampering today also. I am using birthday money to get my nails done, will do my own pedicure later, and plan to take a nice warm shower and get all girly-fied before I go to the airport. I re-dyed my hair already (yay for magenta!), so that is thankfully one thing off today's to-do list!
Since I don't know how much blogging I will do while he is here, I'm going to end with a quick rundown of stuff and a promise that if anything, I will photo blog.
- Midterm scored are in! Math midterm exam - 87/100, English Lit. midterm paper - 82/100, English Lit. midterm exam - 198/250. Not the best, but I am pretty happy with my scores.
- Agent M is on a "no one likes me" kick. I hate it and it breaks my heart. After talking to a friend who has been through something similar with her son, I am taking a different approach and hoping it will lift his spirits. Plus, lots of extra cuddling.
- I'm older! My birthday was Sunday and I turned 29! Woke up that morning snuggled in my bed with Agent M next to me and Suki on my stomach, and listening to the rain drizzle outside. Minus the bump the Swede and I had that morning, it was a great day. I got caught up on my math homework, had homemade breakfast at my parent's house with them, Agent M and a friend, ran some errands, played with Agent M and put together a big telescope to look at stars, and then ended the night with Wondertwin taking me to see The Hunger Games. Totally was an awesome birthday.
- Did not finish my professional portfolio, but turned in what I had. I will be lucky if I get even 4 points out of the 15 possible...but freaking glad to had that off my back.
- Swede gets here tonight, I have a huge math exam tomorrow morning. First-world gripe, but it still is sucky timing for the exam.
- Wondertwin gave me a huge pack of ultra fine sharpies for my birthday. I had previously (as in months and months before my birthday) told him that if anyone ever knew me well enough to buy me a pack of ultra fine sharpies as a gift, I would most likely consider that person to be marrying material. Things like this have caused me to decide he is far to awesome to be real and must really be a unicorn in human form and that any future girlfriends he has must not only be fully aware of his awesomeness but they also must be worthy of it. The bar is pretty high ladies, I won't stand for my Wondertwin being with just anyone.
- Agent M told me the other day that he likes me 95% of the time, but his dad only 80% of the time. Sad, but it still made me smile a little.
- Agent M also has declared "ass" to no longer be a cuss word and put it in the "words you can say around mum but you don't say at school" category, like "badass", "hell", "damn", and "crap". Last week, I over heard him say to Wondertwin, "Dude! This game is hella fun!", but then also was told by his teacher how impressed she is with his wide range of vocabulary and that he is far above grade level in his use and understanding of it. For all of this, I am one proud mama. And probably never going get the Mom of the Year award.
Going to attempt to get another hour or so of sleep before I had to get up to take Agent M to school!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
It's Already Tuesday
Oh, how the whirlwind has been keeping me dizzy.
Big-scary court date to settle my divorce tomorrow? Canceled and rescheduled for the middle of next month. My attorney has the flu.
I have to say, I am relieved. This gives me more time to gather the papers my ex is requesting (proof of income, mostly. For some reason, he seems to think I am rolling in the dough and hiding it from him.). Also, it will be after The Swede leaves, so I can put the icky divorce-"Why is The Ex still so pissed off at me?!"-feelings on the back burner until he is gone.
Which brings us to that. I am quite excited about him coming...but so nervous too. We have been having a rough go lately, and due to some financial snafus I've had in the last couple of weeks I don't have a penny to spare for the trips and concerts we had hoped to plan. On one hand, this visit will be realistic. This is life, this is the day to day that Agent M and I live, and except for the fact that I will be off work the entire time, this will be a decent example of what it would be like to live in my world. It's not fancy, it's not opulent, but it is full of love and we make the best of it. On the other hand though, we have not been within arms reach of each other for six months, he's flying halfway around the world to come see me, and I'm terrified that he will end up bored and regretting the trip now that we might not make it to Tahoe, the coast, and a handful of live shows. I'm just hoping I can beg, borrow, and scrape up enough money to still take him out for his birthday, at the absolute least. (What is sad is that I just looked over my past blog posts for something, and saw that I said nearly the same thing a few weeks ago. Ugh.)
I think the biggest problem is that I feel like I have to show off and be my best when the Swede is here. I see him in such a condensed amount of time, I want to make that great impression. Sure, we chat online often, and talk on the phone here and there, and try to webcam at least once a week. But it is still not the same as being in person. He knows that I prefer skirts and like snuggling while watching movies and shows. But now he is going to be thrown in my loop of waking up late and tossing on which ever semi-clean jeans I can find before class, and coming home to cat puke on the carpet. Agent M has his rough days, I tend to let the dishes pile up during the week, and sometimes I just don't feel like doing more than pigtails with my hair. My insecurities are running rampant - will he still think I am adorable when I have no makeup on? Will he find it boring when Agent M is home and just wants to play board games? When my homework frustrates me, will he think I am slow? Will he be horrified if I fart in my sleep? Will his lack of help in the kitchen drive me crazy and make me annoyed with doing all the cooking? Will my chattiness and his quiet nature clash or continue to compliment each other? Will this three weeks be enough to keep us going?
Basically, if he and I were on the same dirt on a regular basis, and really had the time to get to know each other in all the little ways that you get to know a person simply by spending time with them, would he and I still be a couple?
/boyfriend worries rant.
With court not happening tomorrow, I will get to go to my classes. Which means, I need to get my bum in gear and finish a project that is due tomorrow and a project that was due last week. Even though the workload is kicking my bum and I have had a hard time staying on track, I really enjoy my classes. I could listen to my English Lit. professor for hours, and love the insight my Early Childhood Education professor provides. My Math professor is quirky and scattered but has silly little stories and funny ways to explain things, and class is always interesting at least. I ended up dropping my online class, it just wasn't a format I could get used to and I was seriously behind. Luckily, I discovered the day after dropping it that I didn't need to be taking it after all - a class I took last semester fulfills the same section for my general education requirements. I finished filling out my educational plan (part of one of the projects I should be working on) and figured out a path for the next two years. It is going to be rough, with four classes a semester in the Spring and Fall semesters, plus one class each Summer. But if it all works out as I hope, I could be well on my way towards a Master Teacher Certificate, have all of my general education classes covered, and able to fully focus and work towards my Sociology degree. Whew!
On that note, this post is a bit boring and I need to get back to the projects. My next seven days are like this:
Big-scary court date to settle my divorce tomorrow? Canceled and rescheduled for the middle of next month. My attorney has the flu.
I have to say, I am relieved. This gives me more time to gather the papers my ex is requesting (proof of income, mostly. For some reason, he seems to think I am rolling in the dough and hiding it from him.). Also, it will be after The Swede leaves, so I can put the icky divorce-"Why is The Ex still so pissed off at me?!"-feelings on the back burner until he is gone.
Which brings us to that. I am quite excited about him coming...but so nervous too. We have been having a rough go lately, and due to some financial snafus I've had in the last couple of weeks I don't have a penny to spare for the trips and concerts we had hoped to plan. On one hand, this visit will be realistic. This is life, this is the day to day that Agent M and I live, and except for the fact that I will be off work the entire time, this will be a decent example of what it would be like to live in my world. It's not fancy, it's not opulent, but it is full of love and we make the best of it. On the other hand though, we have not been within arms reach of each other for six months, he's flying halfway around the world to come see me, and I'm terrified that he will end up bored and regretting the trip now that we might not make it to Tahoe, the coast, and a handful of live shows. I'm just hoping I can beg, borrow, and scrape up enough money to still take him out for his birthday, at the absolute least. (What is sad is that I just looked over my past blog posts for something, and saw that I said nearly the same thing a few weeks ago. Ugh.)
I think the biggest problem is that I feel like I have to show off and be my best when the Swede is here. I see him in such a condensed amount of time, I want to make that great impression. Sure, we chat online often, and talk on the phone here and there, and try to webcam at least once a week. But it is still not the same as being in person. He knows that I prefer skirts and like snuggling while watching movies and shows. But now he is going to be thrown in my loop of waking up late and tossing on which ever semi-clean jeans I can find before class, and coming home to cat puke on the carpet. Agent M has his rough days, I tend to let the dishes pile up during the week, and sometimes I just don't feel like doing more than pigtails with my hair. My insecurities are running rampant - will he still think I am adorable when I have no makeup on? Will he find it boring when Agent M is home and just wants to play board games? When my homework frustrates me, will he think I am slow? Will he be horrified if I fart in my sleep? Will his lack of help in the kitchen drive me crazy and make me annoyed with doing all the cooking? Will my chattiness and his quiet nature clash or continue to compliment each other? Will this three weeks be enough to keep us going?
Basically, if he and I were on the same dirt on a regular basis, and really had the time to get to know each other in all the little ways that you get to know a person simply by spending time with them, would he and I still be a couple?
/boyfriend worries rant.
With court not happening tomorrow, I will get to go to my classes. Which means, I need to get my bum in gear and finish a project that is due tomorrow and a project that was due last week. Even though the workload is kicking my bum and I have had a hard time staying on track, I really enjoy my classes. I could listen to my English Lit. professor for hours, and love the insight my Early Childhood Education professor provides. My Math professor is quirky and scattered but has silly little stories and funny ways to explain things, and class is always interesting at least. I ended up dropping my online class, it just wasn't a format I could get used to and I was seriously behind. Luckily, I discovered the day after dropping it that I didn't need to be taking it after all - a class I took last semester fulfills the same section for my general education requirements. I finished filling out my educational plan (part of one of the projects I should be working on) and figured out a path for the next two years. It is going to be rough, with four classes a semester in the Spring and Fall semesters, plus one class each Summer. But if it all works out as I hope, I could be well on my way towards a Master Teacher Certificate, have all of my general education classes covered, and able to fully focus and work towards my Sociology degree. Whew!
On that note, this post is a bit boring and I need to get back to the projects. My next seven days are like this:
- Tomorrow - Classes, clean, clean more, another class. Return library books. Wonder Twin is coming over to "do homework" but I am really going to make him help me clean. Eventually sleep.
- Thursday - School observation appointment (big project for ECE, 2 hours of sitting in a room and taking down every detail I can about it's layout and how the teachers use the room), home to clean, hang with Agent M when he gets out of school, clean more once his dad picks him up. Take donations to the thrift store near my house. Try to lure over a friend to help with more cleaning. Eventually sleep.
- Friday - Finish as much cleaning as possible. Bubble bath. Spend time getting prettied up. Pick up Agent M from school. Go to my parent's house for my birthday party. Possibly go to a concert with Wonder Twin depending on when/if the birthday party ends before Saturday.
- Saturday - Work. Try not to drive Agent M crazy and see if he will fall for my ploy of "Let's play in your room" and then cleaning it up.
- Sunday - No clue. Might be working, might not. It is my birthday, so I am hoping for not.
- Monday - Classes, whatever homework and cleaning I have left, then pick up Agent M from school, Drop off Agent M to my parents. Class. Home to snuggle Agent M and try to sleep.
- Tuesday - The Day. Finish whatever needs finishing. Bubble bath and get myself prettied up. Pick up Agent M from school, go to my parent's for a light dinner, leave Agent M there while I go to the airport. Try to remain calm and read a book or play games on my phone. See the Swede and probably will lose my cool and grin like an idiot the whole way home.
Ok. There. Procrastinated enough. Back to homework.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
No NaBloPoMo Today
No prompt this morning. Just not feeling it right now, there's too much "other" on my mind.
Big snafu on my part last night. It's Agent M's week at my house, and usually on these weeks he stays the night once with my parents. Last night was that night, since I was going to be working until 9pm anyways. But I had forgotten that The Ex and I had swapped days yesterday, and Agent M was supposed to go to the other house last night.
Oops.
Of course, my being at work meant that I couldn't answer my mobile when The Ex and my Mum were trying to call me. The Ex called my Mum, Mum kept trying to call me, Agent M was unhappy that he couldn't finish Monopoly with my parents, and I was oblivious to all the going-ons. When my Mum called my work, the girl who answered had not seen me and told her I was not there.
Apparently, a small batch of chaos ensued as my Mum then worried that I was dead in a ditch somewhere.
Finally, Mum got through to me. Slight more chaos, and a few phone messages left for The Ex, of me apologizing and asking to talk to Agent M. Eventually I was able to talk to Agent M, who was more forgiving then I expected him to be. Unfortunately, to make things right, he will be spending the night at my parents tonight, so I will not get to wake up tomorrow morning to him climbing into bed and asking for Harry Potter stories. (We both have Thursday off of work/school and other then an attorney appointment for me and soccer practice, we planned to spend the whole day together).
I really am upset over how little I have gotten to see Agent M this week, and I am trying hard to not be annoyed at not getting to at least see him on my lunch breaks today and Friday, but it is what it is. I can't expect my parents to shuttle him across town to my work, just for an hour visit. I am upset to be working so many night shifts this week, but I am looking for a new job that will not make my hours so unpredictable, there's nothing else I can do about it. I am nervous about the appointment with my attorney tomorrow and attorney appointments always make me just want to hole up with Agent M and soak up every minute I can of our time together. But, I can't.
It also does not help that I am all sorts of PMS-y, so simply thinking of the crap The Ex and his attorney have responded with make me want to pull out my hair, stomp my foot in injustice, and cry. His response pretty much ignored everything my attorney and I had gone over and sent to them, so I have a lot of papers to get together again and a lot of questions that I want answered and a lot of muck to point out and drag ourselves through. Why can't this just be easier?
With all of these things on my mind, I barely slept last night. I woke up this morning and could not focus myself to any one project, save for going through emails and a chat with The Swede. Speaking of which, the Swede made my morning a little bit happier, though. He sent me a photo of himself in his work uniform, which I have been wanting to see for some time now. He is so damn handsome in it. I am a sucker for uniforms and getting that photo this morning made me grin like a Cheshire cat. Instead of letting the snafu from yesterday, the sad stuff from today, and the anxious feelings about tomorrow's appointment get me down, I guess I should think of that photo as my reminder to find the good bits.
With that in mind, now I get to head to work. Maybe tonight I will post a response to the prompt.
Big snafu on my part last night. It's Agent M's week at my house, and usually on these weeks he stays the night once with my parents. Last night was that night, since I was going to be working until 9pm anyways. But I had forgotten that The Ex and I had swapped days yesterday, and Agent M was supposed to go to the other house last night.
Oops.
Of course, my being at work meant that I couldn't answer my mobile when The Ex and my Mum were trying to call me. The Ex called my Mum, Mum kept trying to call me, Agent M was unhappy that he couldn't finish Monopoly with my parents, and I was oblivious to all the going-ons. When my Mum called my work, the girl who answered had not seen me and told her I was not there.
Apparently, a small batch of chaos ensued as my Mum then worried that I was dead in a ditch somewhere.
Finally, Mum got through to me. Slight more chaos, and a few phone messages left for The Ex, of me apologizing and asking to talk to Agent M. Eventually I was able to talk to Agent M, who was more forgiving then I expected him to be. Unfortunately, to make things right, he will be spending the night at my parents tonight, so I will not get to wake up tomorrow morning to him climbing into bed and asking for Harry Potter stories. (We both have Thursday off of work/school and other then an attorney appointment for me and soccer practice, we planned to spend the whole day together).
I really am upset over how little I have gotten to see Agent M this week, and I am trying hard to not be annoyed at not getting to at least see him on my lunch breaks today and Friday, but it is what it is. I can't expect my parents to shuttle him across town to my work, just for an hour visit. I am upset to be working so many night shifts this week, but I am looking for a new job that will not make my hours so unpredictable, there's nothing else I can do about it. I am nervous about the appointment with my attorney tomorrow and attorney appointments always make me just want to hole up with Agent M and soak up every minute I can of our time together. But, I can't.
It also does not help that I am all sorts of PMS-y, so simply thinking of the crap The Ex and his attorney have responded with make me want to pull out my hair, stomp my foot in injustice, and cry. His response pretty much ignored everything my attorney and I had gone over and sent to them, so I have a lot of papers to get together again and a lot of questions that I want answered and a lot of muck to point out and drag ourselves through. Why can't this just be easier?
With all of these things on my mind, I barely slept last night. I woke up this morning and could not focus myself to any one project, save for going through emails and a chat with The Swede. Speaking of which, the Swede made my morning a little bit happier, though. He sent me a photo of himself in his work uniform, which I have been wanting to see for some time now. He is so damn handsome in it. I am a sucker for uniforms and getting that photo this morning made me grin like a Cheshire cat. Instead of letting the snafu from yesterday, the sad stuff from today, and the anxious feelings about tomorrow's appointment get me down, I guess I should think of that photo as my reminder to find the good bits.
With that in mind, now I get to head to work. Maybe tonight I will post a response to the prompt.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
The Line.
There's always a fine line. Between trusting and just saying you are trusting. Between opening up and between holding back. Between not caring what others think and secretly hoping you still have a few friends left at the end of the day.
Making the choice to leave the house, two cars, and husband was a defining moment for that fine line. It made that line present in every action, inaction, and reaction. Some days, I dance near the line, toeing it and seeing if it gives when I push it. I have spent plenty of time imagining it is not there, pretending it is simply a crack in the sidewalk or some little smudge that I haven't been able to clean out of the carpet. Other days, it strangles me. I wake up with it around my neck, feel it choking me as I try to swallow my breakfast. Or it wraps it self around my face, covering my mouth so tightly that I can barely breathe. But, I have sharp teeth and scissors. And I know people who can undo coils and knots when my mouth is numb and my scissors have dulled.
More and more lately, I am putting on a brave face and telling that line that it must be the one to put the trust in me, let me decide where it sits, where it will sleep. I am learning to jump over the line and instead of fearing the stinging bite of it's surprise, I am forcing it to move for me, to contort to my needs. It is not going to go away anytime soon, but that does not mean that I need to continue to allow it to control me. I will tame the line, and learn to live with it comfortably.
Making the choice to leave the house, two cars, and husband was a defining moment for that fine line. It made that line present in every action, inaction, and reaction. Some days, I dance near the line, toeing it and seeing if it gives when I push it. I have spent plenty of time imagining it is not there, pretending it is simply a crack in the sidewalk or some little smudge that I haven't been able to clean out of the carpet. Other days, it strangles me. I wake up with it around my neck, feel it choking me as I try to swallow my breakfast. Or it wraps it self around my face, covering my mouth so tightly that I can barely breathe. But, I have sharp teeth and scissors. And I know people who can undo coils and knots when my mouth is numb and my scissors have dulled.
More and more lately, I am putting on a brave face and telling that line that it must be the one to put the trust in me, let me decide where it sits, where it will sleep. I am learning to jump over the line and instead of fearing the stinging bite of it's surprise, I am forcing it to move for me, to contort to my needs. It is not going to go away anytime soon, but that does not mean that I need to continue to allow it to control me. I will tame the line, and learn to live with it comfortably.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Quick Post!
Run down of things missed or forgotten:
- After a month of waiting, I finally have a new mobile phone! The touch screen on my other had broken (on the day I bought a car, nonetheless) and I had to wait until my upgrade to get a new one. Thankfully, my parents let me borrow a mobile and the line they don't use often, so I at least had something while waiting.
- Oh, yes - I bought a car! Well, rather, I signed the papers to commit to paying for a car for the next few years. My old car has not run in a year, and it was far too much money to get it running with no guarantee that something else would break down. I finally spent a decent amount of time going over the finances, figured out what would be affordable, searched and researched for hours online, and then spent 7 hours at a dealership getting approved for financing. The guy who wrangled with the banks for me was awesome. I love having my own car again and Agent M was highly amused by it when I picked him up with it.
- As of August, it has been one year since I injured my shoulder, which resulted in weeks of physical therapy, countless MRIs and doctor appointments, surgery, and six months of time off work. I am fortunate that it hurts so much less now and to have most of the mobility back already. December will bring the 1 year post-surgery mark. I can't believe all that has happened in the last year! (A subject for a whole other post)
- I spoke with my guidance counselor (is that what they're called?) at the community college and we made a plan for the next semester. I will be taking a maths class for the first time in over 10 years. I am more than a little nervous about this.
- When I went onto the school website to check something after the counseling appointment, I discovered that one of my professors from last semester had died about a month prior. I was shocked and it took me two days to get over it. He had been key to getting through the last semester and taming a few of demons that I has battling. It took a lot in me to not call two of my other professors from last semester (who each had a huge impact on me) and make them swear never to die. (Again, whole other post on the subject, to come)
- I am STILL not divorced. Not amused by this.
- In 3 weeks, I will be celebrating my Dad's birthday in Vegas, and then coming home to a wonderful to-be-announced-later secret. All I am saying for now is that I am over the moon happy and have been cleaning and working like a mad woman to have things together for the end of this month.
- I am 8lbs away from my pre-pregnancy/pre-surgery weight (they were the same), and 15 lbs away from my post-marriage-dissolving/pre-living on my own weight. I have not made any drastic changes in my diet and I am just as lazy as ever, in my opinion, so this is a major accomplishment for me after getting back up to 205lbs after my surgery.
And to close out things:
- Agent M is beyond awesome! Blaring the horn on this one! I have gotten a call from his teacher, plus a letter home, tell me how great he is doing in class and that he is an excellent student. His abilities in soccer are growing and getting more and more defined with each practice. I am so proud of him and each day I am so happy to have him in my life. He really inspires me to be the best person that I can be, and amazes me with the person he is becoming.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Mutual Benefits
There are so many days when I just want to make a deal with a well-paid friend to get married, and in exchange for me cleaning house, cooking, and doing the 'housewife" stuff, they would fully support me and Agent M. I would then have time to get my own craft/freelancing stuff really going, thus eventually bringing in my own income as well. It would be a great setup - they would always know they are coming home to a clean house and dinner ready for them, and I would be able to do all the crafty things I have the supplies and ideas for. Since it would be a friend, we could each date as we want, there would be no jealousy, and chances are we'd get along well since we're just friends. None of the "Honey, you spend too much time playing video games" or "Darling, do you still find me attractive?" issues that couples have. And I'm not looking to free-load, since I'd work my tail off around the house to make it a wonderful home, and I'd work hard to get a shop going and bring in income for my personal expenses. This little day dream seems perfect...
...and then I remember that all of my friends are just as broke as me. Hahaha. Sigh.
...and then I remember that all of my friends are just as broke as me. Hahaha. Sigh.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Downer
Too often I start posts on here, and end up letting myself get pulled away to other things. I need to work on that.
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I have tried to keep a line on this blog, one that is not to be crossed. The thin line between sharing my thoughts and life, and keeping a bit of it to myself, keeping the specifics muted to the point of being vague.
But, damnit. Tonight, I am sad.
Tomorrow is Agent M's picture day at school. The Ex and I talked briefly about it and he decided to not order photos, only I am. But it is a "Dad" week, so even though I am the one buying photos, I have no clue what his Dad is going to have him wear for tomorrow. While at work, I called and left a message on The Ex's voicemail asking if I could just swing by and drop off a shirt for Agent M to wear tomorrow, and drop off the order form/payment envelope. Hours passed and I got a text message back. The Ex said they would not be home tonight but I could drop the shirt off at his grandmother's house. Worked for me.
But then, three people called in sick to work tonight and I had the chance for a couple hours of overtime. I called and left another voicemail for The Ex. Can I bring the shirt later or would they be home by then and I could just drop it off to him. I made a point to say, I will literally just be dropping it off and leaving, could even have Agent M run out to the car and get it from me. I got a text back.
No.
Grandmother wasn't going to be home after all. He told me that my options were to either give Agent M the envelope in the morning before school started or order online. No mention about the shirt and never mind the fact that even with ordering online, you have to turn in a copy of the receipt on photo day or else the photographers will have no clue about the order and you won't get your photos. Plus, this made me wonder - where the hell is Agent M? Why are they going to be out so late on a school night, or is it just that he doesn't want me going by his house? (Which, if that was the case, he could have just said, "I'd prefer you not to come by", and that would have been the end of the subject.) I left a last voice-mail saying I had gotten the message and had misunderstood. I thought they were going to be at his grandmother's house. I just wanted to drop off a shirt, instead of having to go to Agent M's school early tomorrow morning, wait for him to get dropped off, and then pull Agent M aside to change shirts when he could be playing with friends. But whatever. If those were the only options he was going to let me have, I would make it work.
And this is what makes me sad.
Why is it so difficult? Why is it back and forth through text and voice-mails? Why can't I just drop off the damn shirt? Why does it seem like every time The Ex and I have a decent conversation, it is followed by weeks of him being uncommunicative? I have patiently wait for replies to emails, and have gotten none. I have asked for the last of my things that he is refusing to give me, he has ignored me. I have tried to be friendly and lighthearted at soccer games, practices, and the rare few times we have seen each other outside of Agent M's pick-up times. But I feel like I am constantly met with stony silence, annoyance, and, at times, a look of "Why the hell are you trying to talk to me?".
I don't want much and I expect even less from this whole divorce tango. But I want to get along for Agent M's sake. For my sake. I want to be able to chat about his school progress and cheer him on together at games. I'm not looking to be best friends. I just want to be able to have a decent, co-parenting, communicative relationship. I just want the bitterness to be gone and to get on with my life.
I just wanted to be able to drop off the shirt.
**********************************************
I have tried to keep a line on this blog, one that is not to be crossed. The thin line between sharing my thoughts and life, and keeping a bit of it to myself, keeping the specifics muted to the point of being vague.
But, damnit. Tonight, I am sad.
Tomorrow is Agent M's picture day at school. The Ex and I talked briefly about it and he decided to not order photos, only I am. But it is a "Dad" week, so even though I am the one buying photos, I have no clue what his Dad is going to have him wear for tomorrow. While at work, I called and left a message on The Ex's voicemail asking if I could just swing by and drop off a shirt for Agent M to wear tomorrow, and drop off the order form/payment envelope. Hours passed and I got a text message back. The Ex said they would not be home tonight but I could drop the shirt off at his grandmother's house. Worked for me.
But then, three people called in sick to work tonight and I had the chance for a couple hours of overtime. I called and left another voicemail for The Ex. Can I bring the shirt later or would they be home by then and I could just drop it off to him. I made a point to say, I will literally just be dropping it off and leaving, could even have Agent M run out to the car and get it from me. I got a text back.
No.
Grandmother wasn't going to be home after all. He told me that my options were to either give Agent M the envelope in the morning before school started or order online. No mention about the shirt and never mind the fact that even with ordering online, you have to turn in a copy of the receipt on photo day or else the photographers will have no clue about the order and you won't get your photos. Plus, this made me wonder - where the hell is Agent M? Why are they going to be out so late on a school night, or is it just that he doesn't want me going by his house? (Which, if that was the case, he could have just said, "I'd prefer you not to come by", and that would have been the end of the subject.) I left a last voice-mail saying I had gotten the message and had misunderstood. I thought they were going to be at his grandmother's house. I just wanted to drop off a shirt, instead of having to go to Agent M's school early tomorrow morning, wait for him to get dropped off, and then pull Agent M aside to change shirts when he could be playing with friends. But whatever. If those were the only options he was going to let me have, I would make it work.
And this is what makes me sad.
Why is it so difficult? Why is it back and forth through text and voice-mails? Why can't I just drop off the damn shirt? Why does it seem like every time The Ex and I have a decent conversation, it is followed by weeks of him being uncommunicative? I have patiently wait for replies to emails, and have gotten none. I have asked for the last of my things that he is refusing to give me, he has ignored me. I have tried to be friendly and lighthearted at soccer games, practices, and the rare few times we have seen each other outside of Agent M's pick-up times. But I feel like I am constantly met with stony silence, annoyance, and, at times, a look of "Why the hell are you trying to talk to me?".
I don't want much and I expect even less from this whole divorce tango. But I want to get along for Agent M's sake. For my sake. I want to be able to chat about his school progress and cheer him on together at games. I'm not looking to be best friends. I just want to be able to have a decent, co-parenting, communicative relationship. I just want the bitterness to be gone and to get on with my life.
I just wanted to be able to drop off the shirt.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Roller Coaster
Today has been one of "those" days.
The type of day that began with Agent M and I both waking up early, hanging out on my bed for a little bit, and then casually getting ready to take him to school. No rush, no hustle. Dropped him off to school and made it back home by the time we usually are rushing out the door.
The type of day that had a long To-Do list, but nothing too time consuming. In the last few hours I've called and made an appointment with my college class counselor, called and got a scholarship so that Agent M can take chess classes at his school again, talked to The Swede a little bit before he went out for the night, caught up on reading emails, and sent off an email to The Ex. I was getting ready to dye my hair, and figured I'd go run a few errands before picking up Agent M from school.
Then the phone rang.
Sparing the details, the phone call was concerning an errand I had to run today. By the time the call ended, I was feeling antsy, angry, stressed, and full of money worries. So, I did what any close-to-30-year-old would do when feeling that way.
I called my mum.
I vented. I stressed out. And she calmed me. She didn't take it personal when I said no to every option she presented, and she was kind when I apologized and acknowledged that those were some pretty good options actually.
When I got off the phone with her, I dyed my hair, called my attorney to touch base and see if I'm any closer to actually being done with the divorce. More confirmation and encouragement from them. Still feeling antsy and full of "Fight-or-flight" frustration, I went downstairs and ate a slice of swiss cheese. Contemplating and planning my next seven moves with each bite and chew. I ran back upstairs as fast as I could, plunked out these words, and am going to put plans into action. I'm not going to let the fear of the next moves scare me into submission. I've got so much good going on, and today has so much potential for awesome. One phone call is one phone call. I'm the one in charge of how it effects the rest of the day. I will keep telling myself that today, as the plans unfold, if I begin to falter.
Today has been a roller coaster and it's barely past noon.
The type of day that began with Agent M and I both waking up early, hanging out on my bed for a little bit, and then casually getting ready to take him to school. No rush, no hustle. Dropped him off to school and made it back home by the time we usually are rushing out the door.
The type of day that had a long To-Do list, but nothing too time consuming. In the last few hours I've called and made an appointment with my college class counselor, called and got a scholarship so that Agent M can take chess classes at his school again, talked to The Swede a little bit before he went out for the night, caught up on reading emails, and sent off an email to The Ex. I was getting ready to dye my hair, and figured I'd go run a few errands before picking up Agent M from school.
Then the phone rang.
Sparing the details, the phone call was concerning an errand I had to run today. By the time the call ended, I was feeling antsy, angry, stressed, and full of money worries. So, I did what any close-to-30-year-old would do when feeling that way.
I called my mum.
I vented. I stressed out. And she calmed me. She didn't take it personal when I said no to every option she presented, and she was kind when I apologized and acknowledged that those were some pretty good options actually.
When I got off the phone with her, I dyed my hair, called my attorney to touch base and see if I'm any closer to actually being done with the divorce. More confirmation and encouragement from them. Still feeling antsy and full of "Fight-or-flight" frustration, I went downstairs and ate a slice of swiss cheese. Contemplating and planning my next seven moves with each bite and chew. I ran back upstairs as fast as I could, plunked out these words, and am going to put plans into action. I'm not going to let the fear of the next moves scare me into submission. I've got so much good going on, and today has so much potential for awesome. One phone call is one phone call. I'm the one in charge of how it effects the rest of the day. I will keep telling myself that today, as the plans unfold, if I begin to falter.
Today has been a roller coaster and it's barely past noon.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Shifting
Most of the time, I seriously wonder why I should do this "writing thing". I am not a mom with all the answers, or even half. I am not the mom that juggles a career, mom groups, and PTA meetings. And most days, I'd rather just lay in Agent M's tent with him and chat, then get up and plan out a healthy, fully organic, sit-down dinner. I'm not an expert on anything, I'm not getting a degree in anything, and I sure as hell do not have prefect grammar. (Which was pointed out to me by a mom-friend when I showed her a quote from my blog that was published in a local magazine. Her exact words were, "So, I take it that in blogging the rules for grammar are more relaxed? That must make it easier for you, because this sentence is definitely not structured correctly." Ouch.)
But, I just read the essay "Without Me, I'm Nothing" by Bonnie Wach. (from the book "Roar Softly and Carry a Great Lipstick"). Somewhere among the paragraph where she details feeling like an outsider in new mom's support groups, the sentence "I was such a loser I couldn't even get depression right", and her zen-breakthough like moment of realizing that there were alternatives to going to the park like all the other new mothers, something in me felt a shift. I was laying in bed, and when I sat up to set the book down, I was surprised to have a single pooled up tear slowly trail down the side of my face. (A bit cheesy, I know. But that is how much it snuck up on me.)
I don't have to be those moms. I don't even have to fill the shoes of the strong, resilient single-mom who seems to have it all worked out. I just have to be Agent M's mom. His mom who laughs at his bleeped out singalongs to Hugo's "99 Problems" cover. His mom that reads manga to him at bed time and writes our favorite quotes on the bathroom mirror with whiteboard pens. I am his mom that juggles working a barely-above-entry-level job with soccer practices and a desire to go back to school but no budget for it. I don't have to be quiet, I don't have to be like the cool moms, or the smart moms, or the involved moms, or the moms with flashy awesome blogs that have perfect grammar and ads. Those types of moms are all awesome and I am impressed by each of them. But I don't have to be them.
So, here will be the shift for this blog too. I will write more of what is really on my mind - not try to write the next best blog post each time. I will write with my voice - not the voice I think I should have, or the voice that holds back for fear that my words could be used against me. And I will include more photos. Definitely more photos. Any one who knows me personally, knows the love I have for photos but this blog has never reflected that. And I will use whatever grammar I feel like - and not feel intimated that my sentences might not be "right". I won't shy away from posting, out of worry that no one will like it. This is my corner. I can save the professional, carefully chosen words for other places. This is the space for me, and being Agent M's mom, no matter what that encompasses. And more than anything - maybe one day, just like that story echoed a bit of familiarity back to me, someone will read one of my posts and feel the comfort of knowing that they are not the only one who doesn't fit into any of the mommy molds either.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Juggling and Spinning
It has been seeming for weeks that instead of me plowing through things and completing projects one-by-one, I am instead finding myself getting tangling more and more tightly in a figurative pile of shoe strings mess. Every project leads to another, every little accomplishment leads to some bigger piece in the puzzle, and nothing is ever "Done". I have had plenty of time to myself, but I still feel exhausted and like I'm constantly juggling three or five things that need to get my full attention RIGHT NOW. Even as I type this, I have Agent M's calendar out in my lap so I can write on it which house he is at, week-by-week for the rest of the year, my cat is shooting daggers at me for not giving her breakfast yet, and I have a bright green clay face mask on that has been more than dry enough to wash off for some time now.
But first I have to find the custody papers so I can finish filling in the calendar, since holidays don't always follow the weekly visitation song-and-dance routine, and once I get the calendar done I actually will have one thing to check off the perpetual To-Do List in my head. Then, I can focus on the laundry, the crocheted projects I am behind on, the research for articles, the studying, the painting projects that are waiting on my dining room table, and all the other little things that make up each day. Nothing is too big or over whelming to finish, I just feel like each time I get done with one bit, there's something else filling it's space. To use my spinning plate analogy that I love so much - it's as if I get all the plates spinning, but instead of having the moment to pause and catch my breath, someone runs up and starts another plate going, but doesn't necessarily take a different plate away.
Now, I know this is the plight of many a parent - there's always SOMETHING to be done. Maybe the only reason it is weighing on me so much right now is from listening to single and/or unkidded friends tell me I have so much going on. Maybe it is because I feel I finally have a bit of a life plan in place again, and it's the process of getting through each step that is making my impatient self antsy. Maybe it is all the build up going on right now - the waiting to see if I get into Fall Classes, the waiting to see when I will be off of "light-duty" at work, the waiting for my divorce to ever get done with, the waiting to see if future plans actually come to be. I really don't know.
I do know that the only way I can find myself getting through each day, is by forcing myself to focus on the small bits. Untangle one bit at a time, put it down when it gets to be too much, and force myself to not stay wrapped up too long. Day trips to the beach, hours spent playing video games with Agent M, hours spent at the pool with Agent M, going out for the night with friends when Agent M is not home. The plates are always still spinning when I get back to them, the shoestrings are always still tangled and in knots. But I am done with stressing over them and not enjoying my life. I want to shift the balance and make the To-Do list fit around my schedule, not let the To-Do list be the schedule. The day trip to the beach on Saturday made that clear to me. We left four hours late, got lost twice, and I had to take a stop in a hotel parking lot to take a catnap since I was driving home so late. But it was fun and we did it. The day was not a matter of bullet points to check off as we did each thing. We had a general idea of what we wanted to do that day and then winged it, adjustments made as needed. I want more of that. I want to feel that flexible and have that much happiness each day. Maybe that is why the little stuff is weighing on me - the need for adjustments. The room to grow, refocus, and make changes are there, and I just need to see them and follow through. Stick to the plans and allow for adjustments. Let my lists be the guides but not the plans for the days.
But first, I need to wash off this face mask.
But first I have to find the custody papers so I can finish filling in the calendar, since holidays don't always follow the weekly visitation song-and-dance routine, and once I get the calendar done I actually will have one thing to check off the perpetual To-Do List in my head. Then, I can focus on the laundry, the crocheted projects I am behind on, the research for articles, the studying, the painting projects that are waiting on my dining room table, and all the other little things that make up each day. Nothing is too big or over whelming to finish, I just feel like each time I get done with one bit, there's something else filling it's space. To use my spinning plate analogy that I love so much - it's as if I get all the plates spinning, but instead of having the moment to pause and catch my breath, someone runs up and starts another plate going, but doesn't necessarily take a different plate away.
Now, I know this is the plight of many a parent - there's always SOMETHING to be done. Maybe the only reason it is weighing on me so much right now is from listening to single and/or unkidded friends tell me I have so much going on. Maybe it is because I feel I finally have a bit of a life plan in place again, and it's the process of getting through each step that is making my impatient self antsy. Maybe it is all the build up going on right now - the waiting to see if I get into Fall Classes, the waiting to see when I will be off of "light-duty" at work, the waiting for my divorce to ever get done with, the waiting to see if future plans actually come to be. I really don't know.
I do know that the only way I can find myself getting through each day, is by forcing myself to focus on the small bits. Untangle one bit at a time, put it down when it gets to be too much, and force myself to not stay wrapped up too long. Day trips to the beach, hours spent playing video games with Agent M, hours spent at the pool with Agent M, going out for the night with friends when Agent M is not home. The plates are always still spinning when I get back to them, the shoestrings are always still tangled and in knots. But I am done with stressing over them and not enjoying my life. I want to shift the balance and make the To-Do list fit around my schedule, not let the To-Do list be the schedule. The day trip to the beach on Saturday made that clear to me. We left four hours late, got lost twice, and I had to take a stop in a hotel parking lot to take a catnap since I was driving home so late. But it was fun and we did it. The day was not a matter of bullet points to check off as we did each thing. We had a general idea of what we wanted to do that day and then winged it, adjustments made as needed. I want more of that. I want to feel that flexible and have that much happiness each day. Maybe that is why the little stuff is weighing on me - the need for adjustments. The room to grow, refocus, and make changes are there, and I just need to see them and follow through. Stick to the plans and allow for adjustments. Let my lists be the guides but not the plans for the days.
But first, I need to wash off this face mask.
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