Happy New Year!

Thank God for the figurative end of a another year. I am so ready to be done with those chapters and move into the next book of the series.

This is my year to break down the walls. As a rule, I generally don't put much of myself out there to other people, unless it is on accident. But the last few months of letting in friends a little more has been wonderful. I know a great group of people who are each funny, talented, inspiring, and just make life a little bit more sunshiny when the clouds are closing in. I feel really lucky that they have drug me out of my little hermit shell a bit, and shown me that even though I have been burned in the past, there are people out there who are worth trusting.

Speaking my needs, but also holding my tongue and speaking with a purpose. This year I will continue to find my voice, but that doesn't mean I have to be a bitch about it. I will keep learning when to speak up and when to wait my words until I can see a bigger picture. When I say something, I will be sure it is what I mean, not just me being mouthy and snarky. But, when I feel snarky and mouthy, if I can't hold it in then I will find the right place and time for it to all come out - and then I will leave it. Let it all go. I will live live with more love and passion and not hold it all back out of fear.

This year will bring more time for long showers. And reading books. Painting my toe nails and putting on lotion. Doing floor exercises at home. These things make me happy. They are good for my mental and physical health, and it only snowballs into much worse when I neglect to tend to myself.

I am ready to refocus on the parent I want to be. When Agent M was young, the group of friends I hung out with referred to me as the "zen mama". I was a rock in a storm - be the storm people whose beliefs where against breastfeeding, doctors trying to force us to fully vaccinate Agent M, or simply just a small, pudgy little guy who was teething wildly. But for the past couple of years, it has been hard to find that permanence and hold true to what my parenting beliefs are. I get lazy and resort to "because I'm mum" more than I ever wanted. For the first three years of Agent M's life, I was a co-sleeping, breastfeeding, slightly-crunchy mum. I had wooden toys for him, kept our house free of chemicals, and we played with art supplies daily. I miss that and feel so far from it, those ideals of living a life that is filled with simple purpose and healthy living. This is my year to get back to that and find how it works with our life of superheros and zombies.

Studying will be something I plan out and work on continually, just like my body and getting an etsy shop going (no, really!). Every minute will have a purpose, and what I find to be useless in my life will go. My time will be spent on things that I love or the things that will bring me joy and happiness for Agent M and myself in the long run - this life is far too precious to just waste on being angry or doing things that are empty of purpose.

My patio, the river, and the parks are all close by and free. I will spend more time at them, even if it is just while crocheting or studying or walking. There is so much beauty in the world and being out in it is good for the soul. I want Agent M to learn this too, and what better way to teach him then by my example?

My divorce will wrap up this year, and I am confident that I will get what is right and fair out of it. I will take the hurt and the fears from my marriage and it's unraveling and I will acknowledge them as the past that they are. The major relationship I had after I left my husband hurt me more than any other and left me broken and defeated feeling. But they are done. I will put them in a place in my heart to remind me of how far I have come and how strong I can be. I will take those fears and scars and no longer let them hold me back or keep me from being the woman I want to be for the man that I want. I will take the wisdom that comes from the ashes of the pain and turn it into a love for the life I know I can make for myself and Agent M.

Happy New Year - here's to making it beautiful!

PLEASE READ THE ABOVE POST BEFORE THIS ONE!

So, I mentioned that The Swede is going to be here a week from tomorrow?

Eight days, people!

I have a car load of laundry to do between now and then - pillows, blankets, sheets, clothes - plus the mess that is my desk area to cram into the file cabinet neatly file away and sort. Plus dusting and cleaning every single inch of my "never really noticed just how big this place really is" townhouse.

Now, not all of the cleaning is because of the visit. In all honesty, I had gotten far behind on cleaning in the past few weeks with the whole immune-system going on a bender and trying to recoup. The sad part of that cycle though, is that part of the crash is due to my allergies getting bad. I am allergic to dust and cat dander. So - that means that I need to clean often or else I get really run down, sick, and then my immune system freaks out and attacks itself. Which leaves me worn out and slacking out on cleaning. Which leads to more dust and cat dander around the house. Which leads to me getting sicker. Which leads to me typing up long, run on paragraphs explaining the nasty cycle instead of me getting my bum off the bed and actually cleaning.

Ahem.

But yes, to reiterate - in about one week's time, Agent M and I will be on our way home from Las Vegas, and I will be praying that Suki has not stunk up the place while we were gone. In a little more than a week's time, I will be airing out the house, doing last minute errands, and trying to take a nap before picking Agent M up from school, spending the afternoon with him, coming home to shower and relax, and then zooming down the highway to pick up The Swede from the airport.

Oh, and the schedule for Spring 2012 classes is released that day, so somewhere in unpacking/airing out the house/trying to not explode from excitement and nerves, I will also need to sit down and plan out what I classes I will attempt to get into. Which reminds me that I need to fill out the FASFA this week.....

Eight days, people.

Five days left before Vegas.

Five days to clean away the dust bunnies, get enough sleep to make the dark circles under my eyes disappear, do all the laundry, run 15 errands, pack, and get my immune system back to working properly. Plus, I need to stay on top of writing (I'm on a bit of a roll, want to keep it that way), do the usual soccer/work/Mancub custody shuffle, and find a way to get my old car towed to a friend's scrap yard.

I'm going to need a whole lot of gummy bears.

Thank goodness I have this little guy to help me stay silly and grounded.

Happy Memorial Day!

Life.com photo from Arlington Cemetary

Today is not just "another day off work" or "another 3-day weekend". It's not just a day to score deals as the stores all have sales. It's not just a day to go to the river and party with friends. Actually, it can be all of that, but it is also something much more.

Today is set aside to especially think about and remember all of those who have died in combat. It's something we should do more than once a year, and honestly, one day is not enough to give to them compared to what so many people have given for us to have the freedoms we all enjoy. It's not just those who died in combat - those people all had families, friends, pets. They were neighbors, sisters, brothers, cousins, sons, daughters, coworkers, husbands, wives, mothers, and fathers. They left behind loved ones who still ache for them. And they did it for a love of their country and a sense of duty to protect it. 

Agent M wants to be in the Army when he is older. I will not lie - the thought terrifies me. But he tells everyone that asks that he wants to do it to protect people, which makes me so proud. The other day, he came to me and told me that when he is in the Army, he will die young. Apparently, a school mate told him that everyone in the Army dies young. I told him that was not always true, but it is a sad risk and reality. I don't know if I explained it right or soothed any worries he might have held under the surface. But it brought right to the surface my own fears. That does happen. Mothers have lost sons, and still continue to lose them every day. There are many years until Agent M will be old enough to join the Army, and many factors might change that choice, but that little talk still was enough of a kick from reality to keep me thinking about it, almost a week later. It also makes me wonder - what kind of sadness has that classmate's family felt, for a child to think that all people in the Army die young?

So, today I will not be shopping. I will not be barbecuing or out drinking and celebrating with friends. Not that there is anything wrong with any of that, we all celebrate differently. Agent M is with his dad this week, so it will just be me home alone today. Quietly painting, cleaning, and just being thankful that I can enjoy a peaceful day because of the countless people who sacrificed it all.  This is how I will celebrate and remember the price of the freedoms I enjoy. 

Love is in the Air

As Valentine's waltzes it's way closer and closer, I hadn't given much thought about it until today in the aisles at Target, where every department seemed to have it's own red, white, and pink display of love and all things chocolate.

When I was still with Agent M's dad, we didn't celebrate Valentine's Day. I never received a Valentine's gift or card from him, and don't remember doing either for him. My own parents did not celebrate the day when I was growing up, so I didn't think much of it aside from the occasional ping of jealousy when I would hear what friends had done with their loved ones on that day. On my part, it wasn't a dislike for the day, just simply believed that love should be shared every day. Eventually, I just didn't feel into it and wanted to thumb my nose at all the sugar sweet decorations each year as they came out, feeling they were there to personally taunt me that things in my marriage were amiss.

But then we had Agent M, and eventually Agent M hit kindergarten. Cue the 180 on my opinion. I wanted to decorate, buy Valentines for everyone we knew, and make cookies in the shape of hearts. This was not to be, as Agent M's dad and I were separated at this point and money was tight. Being a class room helper, I was happy to settle on helping 28 kids glue tiny paper hearts to hand drawn cards, and was over joyed to get not only a bag full of sweet things from Agent M, but also two Valentine's personally given to me by the two kids I worked with the most in class. Here I had been feeling unloved and very much single, but those little tokens of love written in sideways letters and delivered with big hugs around my waist made me feel renewed.

Talking about the day with a friend tonight, I kept trying to explain my feelings for Valentine's Day but could not peg my feelings for it just right. Finally, it hit me - I hate how the day focuses on the romantic aspect of love. More than the holiday itself, I hate how it has become marketed to single out single people more so on this day -  why should a day claiming to inspire love cause such sadness? Couples are expected to plan big dates and give lavish gifts. But what about the love of friendship? What about the people who have decided not to date, or who still feel the sting of heartbreak? What about the people who have lost their loved ones to old age or illness? No bag of chocolate nor Hallmark card addresses these audiences.

This presents the dilemma of how to celebrate the holiday with Agent M with genuine love without feeling like a big faker. My friend made a joke about me just not wanting to be "a grumpy old fart" and that's when the heart shaped light bulb went on over my head. When I was a teenager, my grandmother had spent some time in a nursing home. As we visited, I was always concerned about the people who did not get visitors. My friend's comment made me think of those people (not exactly in the most polite way, but nonetheless...), and how easy it should be to contact a local nursing home or retirement community and see about bringing by some simple Valentine's treats and smiles. I haven't had the chance to fully look into it as I type this, but this idea has gotten me thinking about other little ways to cultivate love that day. I plan for us to make a few phone calls and emails to family that I struggle to stay in touch with. Agent M and I can make small cards with messages of love and deliver them with homemade treats to the women's shelter. Maybe even take a cue from Operation Beautiful and leave some post-it notes with words of encouragement in unexpected places. More than anything though, I want to show Agent M that even when your heart has been hurt, love will heal it and love can be cultivated all around us. I want him to go to bed that night knowing he is loved.