Should I Stay or Should I Go?

NaBloPoMo Prompt of the Day:

Would you rather stay or go?

This is an option I will not have for the next 10 years. 

For the next decade, no matter where I want to live, where I want to go to school, who I fall in love with, where is the best opportunity for me to be the best I can be for myself and Agent M...

...I would basically have to get permission to move from someone who absolutely hates me.

(Agent M's dad)

I want to live by the ocean, I want to go to a "real" college one day, I am in love with a man who lives on the other side of the world, and I sometimes wonder if moving to a new city and having a new start would be the best for us.

But going is not in the cards for me and as the days tick off closer and closer to my upcoming 29th birthday and closer to my court day for the divorce this upcoming Wednesday, that fact is setting in more and more. 

At this point, the path ahead is looking awfully foggy, and this is not the life I had planned for, and I am really not sure where the path is going to lead.

With the events of the last few weeks, part of me is finding it hard to not just give up. 

When I was younger, before I had Agent M, I tried to kill myself three times. 

I was frustrated. I felt stuck. Everything in me wanted to just call it quits. I felt like I had no one and that even if I was missed, it really would not be that bad for the people I would leave behind, because I felt like I didn't have that much influence on their lives anyways.

But.

I am glad I failed each time.

If I had not failed, I never would have gotten to feel just how big my heart can love. 

I never would have known that I have it in me to fight three years of severe depression, without medication and without much support.

I never would have met the people who made me realize I am worth a phone call, I am worth their time, and I never would have realized just how much my parents love me. 

Most of all, I never would have met the one person whom I love and adore over everyone else. 

And without him in my life, I would never have become the person I am today. 

I cry so much lately, and I am scared beyond words about how court will go this upcoming week. 

To put it simply - Agent M's dad is still trying to paint me as a mother that can not provide for her son. He is also requesting that I waive my rights to things I am entitled to and pay him a sum that is almost equal to the amount of money I made last year. 

With this looming ahead, and knowing that until Agent M is eighteen I will be at the mercy of co-parenting with a person who has so much bitterness and dislike towards me...

...so much of me wants to just go.

But, I know that without a doubt, I will never, ever give up again. 

No matter what happens, I will always stay and fight. 

Because even at the end of a long day, there is someone who thinks I am worth it and always wants me to snuggle with him at bedtime. 

I will always stay because I want him grow up always knowing that he is worth everything to me.

Nothin' but the Truth

NaBloPoMo Prompt of the Day:

Would you rather always know the truth or remain blissfully ignorant sometimes?

Easy, peasy. Always know the truth. Even if it hurts and aches and makes me cry. 

I have been lied to by friends and partners so many times, and the truth has always come out in one way of another. It freakin' hurts to be lied to or to have someone hiding something from you, there's no way around it. Sugar-coating just makes it worse, and no matter how much time goes by, in the end it still sucks to know that someone lied.

But what about the non-lies? The simple acts of not lying, but not being completely honest either? Those are what have made me into the commitment-phobe, anti-trusting monkey that I am today. When someone lies to you with silence, not even bothering to spin a story web for you to untangle. Too many of those are what make me question every unanswered text and spin my own story webs for each night the Swede goes out drinking and partying. 

If I knew that I would always know the truth, I'd be more at ease. I would not spend hours wondering what people think or what someone is really feeling. I would not question motives and actions. I'd be genuinely happier knowing that I was not being made a fool.

Let's Give NaBloPoMo a Second Chance

After not following along well with the November NaBloPoMo, and deciding that I really didn't like the confines of a post-to-a-prompt-a-day schedule, you would probably not expect me to commit to another "Blog-along".

And that is exactly why I am saying "Hello!" to the March NaBloPoMo from BlogHer. 

I am going to push myself to stick to the commitment, push myself to find words when prompts leave me frustrated, and use this as a re-commitment to myself as a writer. 

The theme is "Whether", as March is a month of transition. Winter to Spring. A rebirth after a quiet or storm. To me, March is a pivotal month for reflections and looking forward. My birthday is on the 25th, giving me almost the whole month to consider both my past year and the year ahead of me, before I get to celebrate the beginning of my next year. 

Of course, it was a decision "whether" or not to join NaBloPoMo. I am still taking four classes, still working part-time, and the end of my divorce is creeping it's way closer and closer. Agent M has been having a few rough weeks, ones that have included lots of tears and lots of snuggling. The Swede is going to be back for a three week visit soon, and I have a lot of things (both at home and with school work) that I'd like to wrap up before he gets here. Simply put - I have a lot of plates spinning...do I add another plate (daily blogging)? 

Well, you only live once, right? I want to prove to myself that I have that kind of focus in me. I want to be a better writer and make this blog into something bigger. Here's to making the first shift towards my goals.