Is This Thing On?

I love that my first attempt to post from my phone resulted in me accidentally posting on one of my other sites that is not in use.

Anyways...in an effort to get back into writing and focusing on this blog, I've put the Blogger app on my mobile phone. I am sure this will lead to many more photo posts at the least.

In the meantime, I know there is a lot of catching up to do. But, like always, I have to get ready for work and so a real catch-up post will have to wait.

It's Already Tuesday

Oh, how the whirlwind has been keeping me dizzy.

Big-scary court date to settle my divorce tomorrow? Canceled and rescheduled for the middle of next month. My attorney has the flu.

I have to say, I am relieved. This gives me more time to gather the papers my ex is requesting (proof of income, mostly. For some reason, he seems to think I am rolling in the dough and hiding it from him.). Also, it will be after The Swede leaves, so I can put the icky divorce-"Why is The Ex still so pissed off at me?!"-feelings on the back burner until he is gone.

Which brings us to that. I am quite excited about him coming...but so nervous too. We have been having a rough go lately, and due to some financial snafus I've had in the last couple of weeks I don't have a penny to spare for the trips and concerts we had hoped to plan. On one hand, this visit will be realistic. This is life, this is the day to day that Agent M and I live, and except for the fact that I will be off work the entire time, this will be a decent example of what it would be like to live in my world. It's not fancy, it's not opulent, but it is full of love and we make the best of it. On the other hand though, we have not been within arms reach of each other for six months, he's flying halfway around the world to come see me, and I'm terrified that he will end up bored and regretting the trip now that we might not make it to Tahoe, the coast, and a handful of live shows. I'm just hoping I can beg, borrow, and scrape up enough money to still take him out for his birthday, at the absolute least. (What is sad is that I just looked over my past blog posts for something, and saw that I said nearly the same thing a few weeks ago. Ugh.)

I think the biggest problem is that I feel like I have to show off and be my best when the Swede is here. I see him  in such a condensed amount of time, I want to make that great impression. Sure, we chat online often, and talk on the phone here and there, and try to webcam at least once a week. But it is still not the same as being in person. He knows that I prefer skirts and like snuggling while watching movies and shows. But now he is going to be thrown in my loop of waking up late and tossing on which ever semi-clean jeans I can find before class, and coming home to cat puke on the carpet. Agent M has his rough days, I tend to let the dishes pile up during the week, and sometimes I just don't feel like doing more than pigtails with my hair. My insecurities are running rampant - will he still think I am adorable when I have no makeup on? Will he find it boring when Agent M is home and just wants to play board games? When my homework frustrates me, will he think I am slow? Will he be horrified if I fart in my sleep? Will his lack of help in the kitchen drive me crazy and make me annoyed with doing all the cooking? Will my chattiness and his quiet nature clash or continue to compliment each other? Will this three weeks be enough to keep us going?

Basically, if he and I were on the same dirt on a regular basis, and really had the time to get to know each other in all the little ways that you get to know a person simply by spending time with them, would he and I still be a couple?

/boyfriend worries rant.

With court not happening tomorrow, I will get to go to my classes. Which means, I need to get my bum in gear and finish a project that is due tomorrow and a project that was due last week. Even though the workload is kicking my bum and I have had a hard time staying on track, I really enjoy my classes. I could listen to my English Lit. professor for hours, and love the insight my Early Childhood Education professor provides. My Math professor is quirky and scattered but has silly little stories and funny ways to explain things, and class is always interesting at least. I ended up dropping my online class, it just wasn't a format I could get used to and I was seriously behind. Luckily, I discovered the day after dropping it that I didn't need to be taking it after all - a class I took last semester fulfills the same section for my general education requirements. I finished filling out my educational plan (part of one of the projects I should be working on) and figured out a path for the next two years. It is going to be rough, with four classes a semester in the Spring and Fall semesters, plus one class each Summer. But if it all works out as I hope, I could be well on my way towards a Master Teacher Certificate, have all of my general education classes covered, and able to fully focus and work towards my Sociology degree. Whew!

On that note, this post is a bit boring and I need to get back to the projects. My next seven days are like this:

• Tomorrow - Classes, clean, clean more, another class. Return library books. Wonder Twin is coming over to "do homework" but I am really going to make him help me clean. Eventually sleep.
• Thursday - School observation appointment (big project for ECE, 2 hours of sitting in a room and taking down every detail I can about it's layout and how the teachers use the room), home to clean, hang with Agent M when he gets out of school, clean more once his dad picks him up. Take donations to the thrift store near my house. Try to lure over a friend to help with more cleaning. Eventually sleep.
• Friday - Finish as much cleaning as possible. Bubble bath. Spend time getting prettied up. Pick up Agent M from school. Go to my parent's house for my birthday party. Possibly go to a concert with Wonder Twin depending on when/if the birthday party ends before Saturday. 
• Saturday - Work. Try not to drive Agent M crazy and see if he will fall for my ploy of "Let's play in your room" and then cleaning it up. 
• Sunday - No clue. Might be working, might not. It is my birthday, so I am hoping for not.
• Monday - Classes, whatever homework and cleaning I have left, then pick up Agent M from school, Drop off Agent M to my parents. Class. Home to snuggle Agent M and try to sleep.
• Tuesday - The Day. Finish whatever needs finishing. Bubble bath and get myself prettied up. Pick up Agent M from school, go to my parent's for a light dinner, leave Agent M there while I go to the airport. Try to remain calm and read a book or play games on my phone. See the Swede and probably will lose my cool and grin like an idiot the whole way home. 

Ok. There. Procrastinated enough. Back to homework.

The Short of It.

There's something I need to put out there, mostly to make myself feel better. See, it looks like I rarely write posts but truth be told, I have been writing. A lot. 

And that is the problem. 

I start a post, and have a plan of what I want to get out...and then it gets long. And then longer. And then it gets to the point where it is a Beast that knows not the confines of word counts and I shove it into the drafts category of Blogger - a place I have come to mentally picture as a sort of limbo-like Hell for words. 

So, while I juggle doing homework, and time with Agent M, and studying for exams, and laundry, and catnaps, and oh-crap-I-need-to-clean-the-fish-tank-before-the-snails-picket type of deep housecleaning...I'll work on blogging little bits too. :)

Work-mode

To the left of me: An open bag of Mission Tortilla Strips and half eaten container of La Mexicana Mild Salsa. Also, the foot stool has an empty mug sitting on it, a sign that I should go boil more water for tea.

To the right of me: My "I Mean Business" padfolio that holds the last copies of resumes and cover letters that I used two years ago.

In front of me: The laptop on my coffee table, with my mobile phone pulled into it to charge, download photos from the last couple of weeks, and get messages from The Swede (who survived the trip home and who I miss so much already).

I got my schedule for when I go back to work this morning. There was nashing of teeth and growling. I am not thrilled. Things could always be worse, but I am tired of this. The never knowing my shifts, the surprise-that-is-no-surprise-really when my shifts are yet again totally different than what I was told I would be working.

So, add that to my motivation to not have to rely on child support forever, to be financially stable, and to save up to see my pojkvän as soon as possible, and Mama's looking for a new job. I don't have any big trade skills, I am still new to freelance writing, and I don't crochet nor paint as often as I should if I ever want to make serious income off of it...but I am good at customer service, a quick learner, and have a who lot of drive to succeed.

Wish me luck!

Quick Post!

Run down of things missed or forgotten:

• After a month of waiting, I finally have a new mobile phone! The touch screen on my other had broken (on the day I bought a car, nonetheless) and I had to wait until my upgrade to get a new one. Thankfully, my parents let me borrow a mobile and the line they don't use often, so I at least had something while waiting. 
• Oh, yes - I bought a car! Well, rather, I signed the papers to commit to paying for a car for the next few years. My old car has not run in a year, and it was far too much money to get it running with no guarantee that something else would break down. I finally spent a decent amount of time going over the finances, figured out what would be affordable, searched and researched for hours online, and then spent 7 hours at a dealership getting approved for financing. The guy who wrangled with the banks for me was awesome. I love having my own car again and Agent M was highly amused by it when I picked him up with it.
• As of August, it has been one year since I injured my shoulder, which resulted in weeks of physical therapy, countless MRIs and doctor appointments, surgery, and six months of time off work. I am fortunate that it hurts so much less now and to have most of the mobility back already. December will bring the 1 year post-surgery mark. I can't believe all that has happened in the last year! (A subject for a whole other post)
• I spoke with my guidance counselor (is that what they're called?) at the community college and we made a plan for the next semester. I will be taking a maths class for the first time in over 10 years. I am more than a little nervous about this. 
• When I went onto the school website to check something after the counseling appointment, I discovered that one of my professors from last semester had died about a month prior. I was shocked and it took me two days to get over it. He had been key to getting through the last semester and taming a few of demons that I has battling. It took a lot in me to not call two of my other professors from last semester (who each had a huge impact on me) and make them swear never to die. (Again, whole other post on the subject, to come)
• I am STILL not divorced. Not amused by this. 
• In 3 weeks, I will be celebrating my Dad's birthday in Vegas, and then coming home to a wonderful to-be-announced-later secret. All I am saying for now is that I am over the moon happy and have been cleaning and working like a mad woman to have things together for the end of this month. 
• I am 8lbs away from my pre-pregnancy/pre-surgery weight (they were the same), and 15 lbs away from my post-marriage-dissolving/pre-living on my own weight. I have not made any drastic changes in my diet and I am just as lazy as ever, in my opinion, so this is a major accomplishment for me after getting back up to 205lbs after my surgery. 

And to close out things:

• Agent M is beyond awesome! Blaring the horn on this one! I have gotten a call from his teacher, plus a letter home, tell me how great he is doing in class and that he is an excellent student. His abilities in soccer are growing and getting more and more defined with each practice. I am so proud of him and each day I am so happy to have him in my life. He really inspires me to be the best person that I can be, and amazes me with the person he is becoming. 

Where I Usually End Up.

I am so far behind on school work.

Spring Break, even though I hardly had Agent M, was not much help, much less than I had planned for it to be. I was sick for a couple days, but plowed through and cleaned house like a woman possessed. I unpacked boxes by the dozen, hung paper lanterns in my bedroom, wrapped cloth cherry blossoms around the iron scrolls of my headboard, vacuumed the entire house twice, sorted and moved bin after bin of just stuff, and dusted everything. I was so sick from allergies that I actually took medicine and spent part of Tuesday in a fog. Homework was completely forgotten at that point.

Wednesday, I got to meet family that was in town from Sweden. Amazing people, and so full of love that just being around them made me happy. Between Wednesday and Thursday, I stayed at my parent's house for hours longer than I had planned. I tried to work on an article I was writing at one point, but got distracted and could not focus enough to string a full sentence together. It hurt to see them leave, and I unexpectedly had to fight off tears as I hugged each of them good-bye. To be honest, I am still sad from it, in the way that you feel sad when you go to a party that you don't want to attend, only to have a great time right at the end and feel as if you haven't had enough time to enjoy yourself.

Friday, I finished the article and sent it in. I looked over my homework, but being sick still had me wiped. Plus, Agent M was home and keeping me busy. The weekend was the same. Monday came, I was still sick and my shoulder hurt too much to go to class - so I told myself I would catch up then. Instead, I slept in and ran an errand. Tuesday, I felt better but had more errands come up, and found myself working on homework at 1:47am, crouched near my laptop, with a notepad in my lap as I struggled to practice my Swedish, write answers to questions on a homework sheet, and stay awake.

So, now it is Wednesday. I am tired. I had a great night at my parent's house, celebrating "Easter Wednesday" and then left Agent M there for a sleep over. Plenty of time to work on a paper or two. I briefly worked on the mountain of art supplies that has been taking over my living room, and sat down to type this up - but I can barely keep my eyes open. If I wasn't chatting with a friend, I would already be in bed.

I need to get over this sense of blah. I know my mind is else where, I know it is partially because my grades, which were all A's three weeks ago, are beginning to slip. I am disappointed in a lot of things right now and feel uncertain about what will be happening in the next few weeks. My last day of physical therapy is tomorrow, and Friday I find out if I am going back to work or waiting six more weeks. I'm stressed and tired. I want all the puzzle pieces to come together, but just feel so unmotivated to put them in order. I hope this feeling passes soon.

Silly, Silly Girlface.

I am an unpartnered mum, a college student, a 28-year-old woman, a soon-to-be-divorced former housewife, a daughter, an aunt, a cousin, and a friend. I have plates to keep spinning and a full life to keep maintained.

I am also a very, very silly girl. 

When I am thinking - no more want for something, no more hopes for something, focus on school, focus on work, focus on your health, focus on yourself...

Something unexpected comes up and says - are you sure? Is that all you really want? Because, there is this...

And even though I know the reality of things, the logistics, and there is a part of me saying "No, it could never, ever be true. It never turns out true, it is not what you think." there is a bigger part of me saying "Please let it be true, even in all it's foolishness. Please, let it be. I want this, please let this be for me too."

I deny it, even though it is plain as sunshine and can be seen by anyone. No, it is ridiculous. No, there's no logic to it.

Then something echoes back, says it is true. Says it is the same as what my inner most self  is hoping. Says the same hopes are out there, the same hopes about me. 

And I feel like a silly, silly girl. For blushing, and grinning, and wanting so badly just to be near that something. 

It's foolish, it's ridiculous, there is no logic to it. But it is sweet as blood oranges, and quiet, and very much there.

This is something I didn't think I had in me and thought I did not want in me. It scares me, because feeling like this is an opening to get hurt. And that fear, that hope, all mixed together, makes me feel all the more silly. 

Miles and miles of feeling silly. 

And I will keep feeling silly, even when I am told that it is cute. I will keep spinning my plates, more focused, more determined. With this little something, tucked quietly away, all my own to quietly smile at. 

Because even if it is silly, it makes me smile and shows me there is more. More hope than hurt, more gentleness than tears. And life is never, ever as expected.

Pink is Not the Color of Confusion

I'll admit - I get a lot of my news bites from the Yahoo! front page. News blurbs at the click of a visually pleasing thumbnail. Though it wasn't on the top page at the time, one in particular caught my eye like a flashing hot pink strobe light.

Hot pink-toenailed boy in J. Crew ad sparks controversy

Wait...what?!?! 

That's right - in a world where Japan is one month out from the worst tsunami of our time, our country's budget is barely determined and most of the nation is holding it's breathe while waiting to hear what cuts and hikes will take place....and people are getting unhinged because J. Crew's latest catalog includes a page showing president and creative director Jenna Lyons smiling with her son Beckett "off duty in style", which included painting his toe nails hot pink, which she says is his favorite color. 

On the forefront of the out cry is Erin Brown of the Media Research Center, who went so far as to say that this is a exploitation of a child by J. Crew to push "liberal, transgendered identity politics.", while also making mention that J. Crew is a favorite of Michelle Obama, which anyone can see is an attempt to connect the Obamas to this made-up conspiracy as well.  

But more than the conspiracy theories, the idea of the a "girly" pink nail polish effecting a male child's sexual identity is the real issue here. Dr. Keith Ablow from Fox News goes so far as to say that psychotherapy will be needed down the road for the boy, and this is an "example of the way our culture is being encouraged to abandon all trappings of gender identity." Erin Brown also says "Jenna's indulgence...could make like hard for the boy in the future" and claims that J. Crew is now targeting the demographic of mothers of gender-confused young boys. What I want to know is how one photo and caption could cause an entire culture to feel encouraged to abandon it's stereotypes of gender identity, and who in the world has decided that Beckett is a "gender-confused" young boy? The photo looks to me like a boy and his mom, genuinely smiling at each other and having fun. No confusion there and certainly nothing that looks suggestive of a difficult life ahead. 

On an segment for ABC News, Dr. Edward Hallowell, a child psychologist who urges parents "first and foremost to enjoy" their kids on his personal web site, explains that it is normal and common for little kids to cross-dress and play make-believe in other people's clothes. Children are naturally curious and don't assign gender to things until they are told so - trucks are not "boy's trucks" and pink is not a "girl's color" until someone has told them that they have to think that way. Obviously, Beckett is lucky enough to be being raised where he can express himself and his interests with out shame or being pushed into an expected role by his parents.

It makes you wonder if there would be the same type of out roar if the nail polish had been blue. From personal experience, I know how reactive people can become over boys in nail polish. One of Agent M's favorite things was once for me to paint his toe nails after I painted mine. I'd pull out the cigar-box sized basket of every color under the sun and just let him pick. Sometimes it was pink, sometimes black, sometimes it was two or three colors per foot, though mostly he favored the bottle of navy blue polish with silver glitter. He'd seriously hold as still as possible while I applied the tiniest of brush strokes, then would sit stiff as a post while we waited for our nails to dry. Those memories are more about the time we spent together though - not what color choice he was making. Never once did it cross my mind that I was endangering his gender identity, just in the same way that I don't worry that he'll grow up to be any less masculine just because he is primarily raised by his mother. To the people who would comment on it, most thought it was cute but a couple did remark that at least he was wearing "boy" colors (these were not the people who saw his toes in their red and pink phase). Agent M and his dad even sported matching colors for a while. It just was never a big deal. He asks every now and then for me to paint his nails, but mostly isn't as into it anymore. Does he seem confused over his gender? Not at all. Am I saving up money for future psychotherapy sessions? Nope. He's a happy, well-loved, healthy kid. Just like I am sure Beckett is. 

I do agree with Erin Brown on one point though - she states in her article "Not only is Beckett likely to change his favorite color as early as tomorrow...", which is completely true. And with that acknowledgement that he could change his own mind at anytime, no matter what color toe nail polish he wore that day, it also makes the issue that much more ridiculous. 

Obligitory First Post

I've never been good at beginnings. New friendships, new relationships, new blogs. (I don't even like to take the tags off of new clothes until the last possible moment when I know I am definitely going to be wearing them.) 

It's the awkwardness of finding your footing that halts me. Do I introduce myself, summarize who I am and what I'm doing here? ("Hi, I'm Ashley. I'm 27 years old and like long walks on the beach and rainbows..." is a bit too trite for me.). Is launching head-on into a post really better? (How will my potential 2 or 3 readers know I am credible? Is this thing even on?).

So, deep breath and bear with me.

I’m a fairly new member to the Single Parent Club, still figuring out the motto and secret handshake. My son, the often to be mentioned Agent M, is six years old, a first grader who like to name his toys after household items (we have a teddy bear named Spatula).

I thought I had a plan figured out and was on the road to eventually being old and married to my high school sweetheart for a billion years. We had the house, cars, kid, cats, the whole nine yards.

But over 10 years, things happen, things get said, things don’t happen, things get thrown, and eventually someone decides to shake up the world like a snow globe.

That someone was me.

More than starting over, I’m figuring out where to go from here. From the tiny apartment, no pets, and dropping my son off for weekend visits to his dad. Figuring out where the pieces are going to fall and how to make the most of it. I’m done making plans and long-term commitments, done painting a long-term picture of what life will be for my son and I. I’m also figuring out how to juggle more bills than income and unclog the sink. Like the title of this blog, we’re just living life by the seat of our pants.