Shifting

Most of the time, I seriously wonder why I should do this "writing thing". I am not a mom with all the answers, or even half. I am not the mom that juggles a career, mom groups, and PTA meetings. And most days, I'd rather just lay in Agent M's tent with him and chat, then get up and plan out a healthy, fully organic, sit-down dinner. I'm not an expert on anything, I'm not getting a degree in anything, and I sure as hell do not have prefect grammar. (Which was pointed out to me by a mom-friend when I showed her a quote from my blog that was published in a local magazine. Her exact words were, "So, I take it that in blogging the rules for grammar are more relaxed? That must make it easier for you, because this sentence is definitely not structured correctly." Ouch.)

But, I just read the essay "Without Me, I'm Nothing" by Bonnie Wach. (from the book "Roar Softly and Carry a Great Lipstick"). Somewhere among the paragraph where she details feeling like an outsider in new mom's support groups,  the sentence "I was such a loser I couldn't even get depression right", and her zen-breakthough like moment of realizing that there were alternatives to going to the park like all the other new mothers, something in me felt a shift. I was laying in bed, and when I sat up to set the book down, I was surprised to have a single pooled up tear slowly trail down the side of my face. (A bit cheesy, I know. But that is how much it snuck up on me.)

I don't have to be those moms. I don't even have to fill the shoes of the strong, resilient single-mom who seems to have it all worked out. I just have to be Agent M's mom. His mom who laughs at his bleeped out singalongs to Hugo's "99 Problems" cover. His mom that reads manga to him at bed time and writes our favorite quotes on the bathroom mirror with whiteboard pens. I am his mom that juggles working a barely-above-entry-level job with soccer practices and a desire to go back to school but no budget for it. I don't have to be quiet, I don't have to be like the cool moms, or the smart moms, or the involved moms, or the moms with flashy awesome blogs that have perfect grammar and ads. Those types of moms are all awesome and I am impressed by each of them. But I don't have to be them. 

So, here will be the shift for this blog too. I will write more of what is really on my mind - not try to write the next best blog post each time. I will write with my voice - not the voice I think I should have, or the voice that holds back for fear that my words could be used against me. And I will include more photos. Definitely more photos. Any one who knows me personally, knows the love I have for photos but this blog has never reflected that. And I will use whatever grammar I feel like - and not feel intimated that my sentences might not be "right". I won't shy away from posting, out of worry that no one will like it. This is my corner. I can save the professional, carefully chosen words for other places. This is the space for me, and being Agent M's mom, no matter what that encompasses. And more than anything - maybe one day, just like that story echoed a bit of familiarity back to me, someone will read one of my posts and feel the comfort of knowing that they are not the only one who doesn't fit into any of the mommy molds either.