We Interrupt This Broadcast...

When I first began this blog, I had dreams and hopes to slowly build an audience, a little group of strangers who found my spot on the internet and liked coming back time and time again to read about the funny, stressing, and mundane things that make up my life. I had hopes to blog often, with lots of photos, and to enjoy sitting down to update and share the going-ons of my world. I had hopes that this blog would lead to little bits of pay trickling in, to use it to tune my writing voice, and for it to be the springboard towards a successful, paying, writing career. 

I wanted this blog to be the plate that I always kept spinning. 

But.

But I have not dedicated enough time to this blog, and to be honest, I underestimated how much time it would take to be a blogger - the typing, the editing, the photo uploading and cropping. I have had a hard time finding my voice. Some days, I feel like it is gone completely. Other days, I feel like I am sitting here pouring out words to thin air, no audience, and have been left to wonder why anyone would want to read the words I type anyways. 

I tried to think of the real reasons why I am putting this blog on the shelf as I drove home last night from work. The reasons for it seem more like excuses: The divorce is getting closer to an end and I am stressed. I am working evenings again and being away from Agent M breaks my heart and leaves me tired when I am home. I am dirt broke and still catching up on bills from when I went on disability, and this blog doesn't bring in anything so devoting time to it seems like a wasted effort more and more often. I want to focus more on house projects, craft projects, college, learning Swedish, etc. Nothing seems like a good enough answer. Women have blogged through the deaths of loved ones, through cancer treatments, through working full-time jobs and staying up all night. Who am I to give up when things get a little chaotic? I feel like a let-down. But I also feel the plates wobbling and I think it is time for me to set a few down. 

The fact is, NaBloPoMo made me see just how much my heart has not been in it. It felt like a chore. I would feel guilty for crocheting or relaxing when I was "supposed" to be blogging. I realized that my priorities right now do not have updating this blog high on the list. There is so much I want to write about, but it just isn't coming out when I feel obligated. 

So, all of that being laid out - I am taking a break. Possibly a long one, not sure yet. My attention is else were right now and I want it to be that way for a little bit. Could I keep this blog updated by focusing more and putting more determination behind it? Probably. But as I said, right now I can see the spinning plates starting to wobble and these last two years of being on my own have taught me that it's better to know my limits and back down a little then to just think I can do it all and end up with everything crashing down around me.

I still plan to keep this blog open, and I plan to come back. It might be in two weeks, might be in two months. For now, my focus is going to be on writing that brings in moolah (how's that for sounding shallow? geez...), and the real-life day-to-day stuff I have coming up - namely, The Beast of Divorce which now has a shelf date and hopefully is going to be wrapped up in the next couple of months, going back to college this upcoming semester, and really putting a refocus on being the parent and person I want to be. Part of that refocus is going to involve a serious overhaul of our home and habits. As much as I would love to journal and track all of this, the idea of committing myself to blogging right now is a bit overwhelming. At the same time though - I am hoping that a self-imposed definite break will be just what I need to feel the drive again. I want this to be something I like to do, something I want to do. Something that I make the time for out of desire, not begrudged obligation. Maybe once I make myself set this blog down, walk away, and do other things, maybe then I will feel that pull again, that desire to type for hours, to document things I want remembered. At least, I can hope that will be what happens. 

Thanks.

He Said It Would Be Funny

So, he's been mentioned a bit. The Swede. Not explaining much on this one, other than he is a wonderful friend that I met about six months ago when he was visiting from Sweden with family.

While we were chatting online today, I asked him if I could write about him, or if it would be okay if he came up in my writings. He said sure, and that it would be funny. He was already mentioned in a paper I wrote right after we first met, and he knows of my blogging, but I never flat out got his okay to mention him. (Little did he know  he already had a nickname...but that's small potatoes at this point.)

So there's that, combined with me sending off an email to The Ex today letting him know what is up, and I can now blog about the surprise mentioned in this post (third bullet point from the bottom).

The Swede is coming for a visit. :)

He will get here the day after we get home from Vegas, late at night. That will give me about 24 hours to air out the house, unpack, do last minute cleaning, and get enough sleep, showering, and girl-time to look decent when I pick him up at 10pm. Plus, the usual stuff of getting Agent M to and from school, and then having dinner with my parents for Dad's birthday, and then leaving Agent M there for a sleepover while I go to pick up The Swede.

Agent M is excited also, thankfully. His main concerns were if The Swede would be going to his soccer game and making sure that no one was going to take his bed.

I'm excited. I'm nervous, but in an excited way. We have outfits that go together for Halloween, and lots of little plans, and as much as I want to yell with excitement from the roof - his quietness is rubbing off on me and I'm keeping this a little closer and quieter.

So for the next week, I'll be wearing a little Mona Lisa smile and quickly finishing up work around the house. Then a fun weekend in Vegas with family, then home and waiting for The Swede to arrive.

And when he gets here, I will have the biggest grin, this side of the world.





(I have a much less refined and less mellow post on this, below)